Triggering (Suicide) - Would you come out as bipolar if it meant..........

[bitomato]

Hey guys,
Wrote my rant in my journal so that I could just post the question here.
Would you come out as bipolar if it meant
That you couldn't work in your chosen profession because colleagues and patients were afraid of you- i.e. thought you were a danger to them?

That your family would be humiliated and your childhood abuser would be mortified that you were airing the dirty laundry and sharing things that are meant to be kept secret

That you would alienate yourself from your church, your friends and your colleagues because you would inevitably point a finger at them and how they discriminated against you because they didn't understand why you were the way you were

so when they said mentally ill people eat brains of their victims
mentally ill people should be locked up and sterilised
you are evil for advocating medication- where is your faith
you actually revealed them as the bigots they are

that you could break down the barriers for other people but you know it would be not only social suicide but enough to make you kill yourself in grief because no one would support you because you are too strong in your heart but too frail in your mind to survive?

[Fry]

No.
In a word.

[Mountain Snow Tiger]

In that situation, whether or not I decided to 'come out' about my mental health problems to my current church, friends, colleagues, etc, I would definitely be looking for ways to meet less ill-informed and discriminatory groups of people and to find some more supportive friends, who would accept me as I am (including any mh diagnoses I had).

[bitomato]

yeah sorry that my question seemed to answer itself.......

like uh, if that is the case- well no.

Advice i have been given in the past is effect change from the inside out. Stay low and off the radar until you get to a significant position of power on the inside and then make changes only then. I thought I accepted this but I think that I started going off track when I was reading how paradigm shifts usually occur in 30 year cycles and I thought 30 more years of this............hell no!

Recently, my psychologist embraced the fact that I was taking responsibility for my life and choices and not holding " the others" responsible for my predicament. At the same time I was thinking, but here I am doing the therapy, taking the meds, jumping through hoops at my job, with my family....and nothing is changing. Then I got to share some of my views and experiences outside my "everyday associates" and people were really like wow...........and I realised **%& it's me whose changed. I've emerged into this really capable person and i come out of my shell and realise I can do this I can be lucid and eloquent about things that matter to me- and then I return to my family, church, med support and job- and they have no expectations for me- no wonderment.......I am just plain hoop jumping person- there to fit into their myopic vision of my abilities.

I do alot of research in my profession for mental health and I am good at it. I don't work in the field because I know what is done is illegal and I decided some time ago that I don't have the prescence of mind to be a bystander. So every chance I got I tried to seek out advocacy work and voice my concerns..............but as a professional. And what I saw scared me. People don't care. Not just because they don't know. But because they don't care that they don't know. Things have been done one way for almost a century and even if things are happening one way internationally from a human rights perspective it isn't applicable to us. So live with it. The irony is I do- everyday. They can go home. This is not their life, just their job and guaranteed paycheck. And I am never going to be free of this until I can say to them you have no idea. But I do. Listen to me- not because I am a bleeding heart. but because my heart is bleeding.

so many service users without meaning to keep saying that- my doctors won't listen to me. They won't talk to me- but at me. They think that I don't know....................................They talk to me because they think that i am one of the few that listen. They don't know that I walked their path before and that I walk with them again now that I've relapsed.

Honestly RYL I am not trying to toot my own horn, I am in rapid cycling so I wouldn't take me seriously- think I would scare off a lion with my erratic behaviour at the moment. I just want a chance and I want to share my story and I just don't know who would listen.....................

[AMCarmody]

I'll try to shift my POV to someone who isn't mentally ill and say, it would be more worrying to NOT know if a coworker/friend/family member was mentally ill and something happened to him/her. I would want to know.

Now, speaking as someone that's also bipolar ...

I would come out. In the long run, if people walk away because of that declaration, it's only doing you a BIG spring clean on the people you definitely do not want in your life. And believe me, bipolar or not, you don't want that sort of 'friend' hanging around. Besides: if they love you, they'll get past it. They might not understand but they'll be there for you.

And are you kidding me? I personally would LOVE to see my childhood abuser writhe in agony and mortification. Let him be branded with the scarlet letter, I was the victim and did not have any hand in what happened to me. He did. And he deserves punishment.

Beyond the "dirty laundry" thing, your family should rush to support you. And look over you. It's a BIG thing, and again - if they care about you, they'll get past it.

No one is entirely alone. While coming out might push you away from many circles it will also push you into others, inevitably. Into circles that, hopefully, are full with people that understand your condition AND will support you unconditionally. Strength also comes in numbers, remember that.

Sending loads of good thoughts & vibes your way. Also, an invitation to talk whenever you feel like it.

[bitomato]

Wow AMC just wow- really speaking to me.
I tried to talk to open up to an old school friend I once saw in my psychiatrist's office. They were asking me if I was having a rough night. I said we have both been the same place and i could almost feel the tension. I mean i could have been wrong about which doctor at the practice that they came to see but I didn't think that I was.........at the same time I don't have the right to force a person into coming out about something that is so taboo.

Someone tried to kill themselves at my old school and kids filmed it with their phone and general public though it was a big joke. I wanted to throw up when I found out a friend had been expelled for having bipolar (acting out and the school was not able to deal with it). It made me angry because when I sought help as a student I did it alone- because everyone was focused on exams but I knew I needed help.

The only reason I wouldn't come out was just because it is not so much about pointing figures at others as presenting myself to the world. It is so liberating to talk to friends about what I am really going through rather than editing it for the bigotted.

Unfortunately, when ill you tend to not mince words.

The comment about mentally ill people kill others and eat their brains was a co worker- I remember thinking how can I come out to that idiot (my bosses were pressing me to disclose at the time- went into the bathroom and hid- left work with a panic attack and got fired). True story.

[Scarletdreamer]

As another person who is bipolar... I would "come out." I agree with what AMC had to say. If people around you are THAT EFFING IGNORANT, then they are best left behind you. If they won't be your friend, if they ignore/hurt you because you reveal something about you that they couldn't have guessed anyway, then they aren't worth it.

I think that if "coming out" about your bipolar will make YOU feel better about yourself, inside - no outside things considered AT ALL - then it is worth it. It is a step to recovery - not keeping things hidden all the time. And people CAN recover from bipolar, or at least get it under control. I know because mine's not as awful as it used to be. I still struggle, but right now it's more with my ED, not bipolar.

I can't believe how stupid some people can be. If you open up to some of these people (if they give you a chance), they may realize that mentally ill people are not the out of control maniacs that they've always thought they were. You may contribute to awareness. And, as AMC said, you may well meet up with some new people. Find a support group somewhere. If you can't find one IRL, there's a good one online (not live chat, but still, it's pretty good), at Christianforums.com. You don't have to be a Christian to join, and it's really good. Not saying that RYL isn't, it's just that there is a board DEDICATED to bipolar there. :)

Hope that helped some. I'm here to talk if you need/want to. *hugs*

[bitomato]

thanks for the replies. I think because today was my last day at work and I realised that my boss not only left the door open for me to come back even though I resigned but I realised that no one knew I was ill/ leaving that is the boss didn't actually talk my business with anyone which made me feel quite surreal. That I was treated with dignity- because every other time I had disclosed in the past for education and work against the wishes of my medical support, family and friends it always backfired. Not saying that the boss won't say anything later- but it made the resignation and transition a lot less traumatic. I am walking around doing things but I ain't well and it is really a significant peace of mind for people to respect that. My own family doesn't quite get it and it is scary.

[bitomato]

Hi again.
So like I said today was my official last day at work.
I had some difficulty leaving and felt really overwhelmed afterwards.
I am not sure what to do in terms of my daily activities. Although I have been trying to be out and about at my family and friends' request doing errands etc..........I live in a sea of filth from the standpoint that I get anxiety attacks about dishes and laundry- which have been steadily piling up for weeks. I have tried to talk to people about how much this is concerning me, and a friend has asked me to contact my psychiatrist before my appointment next week- and before the holiday.

I just feel exasperated. Before I would kind of get out the depression enough to do a massive wash of dishes and laundry. But it has never gone on for so long. I was hoping to get some help but family and friends are caught up in their lives. I was thinking that it would be okay but realised things are growing on pots etc................and I hardly have any clean clothes left (wearing fancy dress to the supermarket kind of stage now).

I want to call the psychiatrist but I am afraid of being put on sleeping meds or higher dosage of antidepressants in terms of going manic or suicidal. My goal was to lose weight to deal with my diabetic complications but I can't even get to bathe everyday..................

I keep telling myself I am just lazy and I probably need a good kick in the butt. But I am just too tired in terms of not wanting to really journey forward on the road of life for too long because I keep falling asleep behind the wheel.

I know this isn't normal for me and I have been spending alot of time on RYL but I feel disconnected from my own reality. I can't go to hospital and have to noone to care for me- am I worrying about too much. Or is something really wrong and should I worry?

I am not ready to give up the cutting/ sharps yet either although I have managed to get through the last few days SI free including compulsive eating.