i lost the control in therapy. how could i do that. i need to do damage and get it back btu my mum is going out tonight and she'll say take my tablets. but my tablets slow me down and i dont need them, im not psychotic or schizophrenic or ill.
I lost control rather spectacularly in therapy on Monday myself, so I can empathise.
Although... maybe you mean a different kind of control. Can you tell us some more?
The whole deal with meds and diagnoses can be hard for us abuse survivors, can't it? That we should need stuff when it's not our fault we're struggling. That we should get labels, when the abuser walks off scot free.
I know what it is to feel utterly overwhelmed and drowning in pain, and to lose yourself because it feels impossible to bear. Last Friday something stirred me up, and I lay under a blanket on my bed for a long time crying and feeling utter utter deep grief and pain. I survived it. The aftermath has been kind of rocky, but I've come through it. Not saying that you're the same as me, but it is survivable, truly it is.
When you were abused you had painful control exerted over you, and some part of you feels that that must be the only way to get secure control within yourself so you don't lose yourself. But it isn't, it actually makes things more out of control.
I hear how you cannot hold this, it's too awful, too terrible to hold. How might it be to push it away from you, push it right away, and then hold yourself, who is not It?
I did hurt myself in the end. But I've had a good cry, called Samaritans and taken some of the meds so that I calm down more. I feel shaky and vulnerable, but also like I've looked after myself. It's a strange place. It helped a lot to cry.
A good cry can be such a relief, and it's good you reached out, and have taken some of your meds to calm things down. Well done for taking good care of yourself.
Hmm... I'm an embarassment to my family, I make them feel inadequate, etc.
I wonder why I try and look after myself. I wonder why I bother at all. I wonder why I haven't killed myself yet. I'm selfish and horrible and evil and putting my family through hell. I don't deserve to look after me. I bullshitted to the Samaritans. I don't deserve any help at all.
*sits with and cuddles*
love you chels <33
wish could help =[
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
