Triggering (SI) - My depression

Kitkat :) · 10-12-2009, 03:35 PM

So at the moment I'm depressed. I'm never happy, and frequently burst into tears over nothing at all. My mood is very low and most days I cannot be bothered with going to college or doing anything at all. I just want to spend my weeks in bed.
I also self-harm; I do this frequently. I'm going to a rave in two sundays' time so I haven't done it for about a week because I don't want to have to wear gloves or the bandages to cover up my arms, but the torment in my head is so great that it almost crushes me and I just want to feel the pain. I went to my GP and they've given me counselling at Guys' hospital, but that hasn't started yet and probably won't until after Christmas and the New Year. I really need help now. I went for a counselling session at my college but no one turned up even though I made an appointment. I have huge paranoia that none of my friends want me around and that I'm a liability. I asked for medication because I would think I would benefit from it (because I'm in a really bad way) but my doctor didn't want to do that, even though I told her everything.
I'm really stuck about what to do or where to go from here (in terms of my depression. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Stellata · 10-12-2009, 03:38 PM

What are you trying to hide from?

Kitkat :) · 10-12-2009, 03:42 PM

I don't feel like I'm trying to hide...
But I don't really like social events with my friends anymore... I don't know why

Stellata · 10-12-2009, 03:55 PM

What is it that feels uncomfortable, or scares you?

Kitkat :) · 14-12-2009, 04:36 PM

I don't know, I just feel that they don't want me there because I self-harm and have depression... I feel I'm only accepted if I'm stoned or drunk because that's when I'm happy

koukai · 15-12-2009, 02:49 AM

Maybe you're feeling that way because they pick up on your moods and they get sad when you're sad. Then you read that as them not liking you or wanting you around. I had a friend that got like that when I was in high school. Eventually, we did break off our friendship because she didnt like being sad all the time. What can you do, y'know? I made another (better) friend and just tried to live my life as best I could. Not saying that'll happen with you though.

This was probaby the least helpful post in the history of posting...

el_jumbel · 15-12-2009, 02:57 AM

I can relate to not wanting to spend time with your friends, maybe if you go to the rave you shouldnt drink or smoke as much as you normally would, it might make your mood more unbearable and then make you feel more guilty and unwanted? Did you find out why nobody turned up for your counselling?

sherlock holmes · 15-12-2009, 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morrigan

On the plus side, I understand that Guys have a really good Mental Health department, so hopefully the counselling with me of good quality.

I was IP in guy's and they were really good.

Kitkat :) · 17-12-2009, 03:41 PM

Thanks people
I don't know why they didn't turn up, my psychology teacher e-mailed him again asking why and I'm in the room with my counsellor now (he's also my tutor) and he hasn't said a word to me and hasn't even e-mailed me, so I'm not going to bother (plus they have to tell someone if they think you are harming yourself or others or they have a suspicion that you will)
I've got so many emotions just filling my head i don't know what to think... it's one vicious cycle
my friend broke down on me about self-harming... that made me feel guilty about doing it and I want to do it again, but then I'll feel guilty for doing it so I'll do it again to try to get rid of those feelings... you see the cycle forming
also my parents are trying their best to be supportive, but it isn't exactly working... sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind and then my mum says "don't ever get that bad [where I have to be sectioned or taken into hospital]" so that just puts more pressure on me... and my grandad was like "don't you feel ashamed that you have to go and have help". that just killed me.
I just really can't be bothered to live because everything I do just feels like one big effort... even changing into my PJ's
They don't even get sad, they just look at me sympathetically which is just the worst thing they can do because then I feel like a child... I always feel inferior around everyone as well, so that doesn't help