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Join Date: Mar 2004
I am currently:  
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Lexie .... I'm very sorry to hear about your relapse with alochol, but from what I remember reading of your last post, I'm not very surprised that it happened.
It seemed as though you had so many questions and doubts about your alcohol use and whether you were really a 'true alcoholic', that maybe you needed this relapse experience in order to teach yourself a valuable lesson.
I believe that sometime in my own future, I have a relapse drinking session coming up too ... its something that I find quite scary, which is why it hasnt happened already, but I do believe that for myself, this relapse is just a question of when. But I believe that if you learn something valuable from a relapse experience, then you can turn something that might be seen as negative, into something that is very positive, and that it doesnt have to be a completely disasterous experience for a person.
I know you are scared ... in your situation just fresh from a relapse, I would be terrified!
What scares you the most, do you think?
Is it facing all those people who have tried to help you in the past, like your sponser, the people at AA, your boyfriend, your family?
Or is it more the question about where do you go from here?
I just know if I were in your situation, I would be so worried about all the people I have disappointed, and who may not trust me again if they hear that I relapsed. And I'd also be scared about where do I go from here, and what if now that I've picked up alcohol again, what if I cant stop drinking after this relapse? What if I've gotten the taste for alcohol again, and I find that I get strong urges to drink again tonight or tomorrow?
I'm not sure exactly what your fears are, but I would like to say to you that the decision about where do you go from here, is completely up to you.
It sounds like (from the info in the PM you sent me) that you've learned alot from this relapse experience, and that you realise now that you are an alcoholic, and that you cant drink alcohol normally like another person can. And from the supports that you have in your life - at AA, your sponser, friends/family, your boyfriend, and HERE at RYL, you will have many many people who will help you if you decide that you dont want to drink again. I doubt whether those at AA will judge you for having this relapse - they'd be quite hypocritical if they did, because I'm sure that in the early days of their sobriety, alot of those people would have had a few relapses themselves, so they should be more understanding than the average person, that not everyone makes it on their first try to get sober.
I dont think you will be judged harshly for your relapse Lexie, so if that's behind alot of your fears now, then I hope that you are soon able to get in contact with your sponser and the people from AA, and you will realise that for yourself. I think you may find that your reception from your sponser and AA members would be a bit different if you'd had a POSITIVE experience from your relapse with alcohol, and that you were planning to drink again in the future. But from the sounds of things, you seem determined to put drinking behind you again, and I am sure that you will get plenty of support and help with that goal.
So ... where do you go from here?
I think its very important to have a clear plan from here on in, and jump back on that sobreity wagon again as soon as possible. Call your sponser if you havent done so already ... get to an AA meeting as soon as you can .... think back to when you first got sober, and what sorts of things you did in your first week in order to get a clear head and give yourself a good start on the road to sobriety. All those original coping strategies that you put into place must have worked quite well for you if you managed to get 6 months sober (which is a great job btw!) ... so if you've done it once, then you can do it again!
Yes ... you've had a relapse, but more importantly, you have
LEARNED so much from that experience - you've learned a life lesson about alcohol, and fortunately, you wont ever have to ask yourself those same questions ever again, about whether you are really an alcoholic, and whether you can control your drinking ... you know the answer to those questions now, so its time to jump back up on the sobriety wagon and get on with it again.
If you find that things are a bit tougher this time around, then please post for support and advice here. I cant remember how many relapses I had in the early days of my wanting to get sober ... I was never very successful in getting much clean time under my belt - I think 8 weeks was my longest time sober before this last time that now adds up to 7 years. And the longer time you can get sober, the less tempted you feel to drink, coz when you get a good amount of time clean and sober, no one really wants to bring all that time right back to zero again.
I know you can do this Lexie. I'd be more worried about your success in getting sober again if you had a good experience with your relapse ... but the fact that it was an unpleasant experience for you, will work in your favour, as you will realise that drinking is NOT for you .... and no one else can tell you that - this is sometimes a lesson that we have to learn for ourselves, which you now have done.
So time to get back on track, yes?
Keep us updated if you like Lexie ... I'd be interested to hear how you are going from time to time, either here on the forum, or via PM if that makes you feel more comfortable.
Take care.
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