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iminent hospital admission? *TRIGGERING SUI/SI*
saw my cpn today and she said she is conecerned about my behaviour as i keep trying to kill myself. she said to see how the weekend goes , as i am seeing my consultant and her on tuesday, she said we will review it then.
she said she doesnt want to have to admit me again as previous admissions have just kept me from trying to do kill myself and prevented me from self harm but not actually helped my state of mind so when i get discharged i just start trying to kil myself/self harm/abuse meds n booze.
part of me just thinks refuse to go in, as they dont have grounds to section me i dont think, cus i just keep wanting do die.
i used to go to a+e whenn i had a bad urges to kill myself but in the the last few weeks i dont see the point and have attempted several times. i guess because i know that hospital admissions and overnight stays at a+e or mates houses is guna make me feel better so i just get in the mindset of it will be better to die.
i guess deep down i know i cant keep myself safe (the last few weeks has been evidence) but i dont wana go into hospital again.
also have a lot of family stuff going on , my step mum is dying and went into a hospice yesterday as my dad cant cope, my cpn wants to tell my family, as they dont know about any of my suicide attempts/self harm/hospital admissions, in some ways it would make it easier, but i dont want to burden my dad with more stress and i dont get on with my mum and i know theyd wana visit if iwent into hospital or even if i dont get admitted they will constantly be stressing about me and ringing me all the time and worrying. also with christmas coming n with all the family stuff, i hate being in a room with my family who are watching me constantly, being patronising and pitying me. now my stepmum is in a hospice i have the added guilt of feeling like this for no reason and not really being able to support my dad or theguilt of trying to killmyself just before christmas added to the fact my stepmum propbably wont make it through til christmas.
its totally selfish but i keep think that i cant keep staying alive for other people, ive being doing that for almost 10 years and im tired.
i also keep feeling guilty for using up the time n money the mental health services are wasting on me when they could be working with someone who their help would actually help/improve lives, whereas with me i just drain their services and with no improvement.
i guess my main decision is about going into hospital or not..
i duno its a bit of rant, n i know that seeing as they wont section me i doubt, then its my choice n no one else can make that decision for me. i just flip in n out of thinking i need to keep myself safe or **** it i would be better dead.
blahhh. even reading though this i can see its all clashing and non-sensical.
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