I wrote this one night a couple of weeks ago when I felt ... like this. I ended up self harming after having not done for about 8 months...
The need to do something is strong
I lie here, shaking,
resisting the monster
telling me to relieve this ache
this pain inside.
My phone reports on my friends having a great time,
while I try and not self-destruct,
to not hurt myself
beyond belief.
This pain is real
I don't know if I can fight it much more.
Why me?
I've tried so hard.
I don't want to,
but the release is near.
The thoughts scare me,
scare me to death.
Oh, how I laugh.
I don't want to die,
merely to hurt enough not to think,
to not feel this pain,
this burning ache inside.
I'm screaming inside.
Screaming for someone to hear me,
to hear my pain,
to understand what this is,
to help me out of this black hole.
I don't want to go there again,
though this time feels so much worse.
I can't ask for help.
I don't want to cause a fuss,
to worry.
to be over-dramatic.
But I can't do this alone.
I can't bear this pain,
this burning ache
this monster inside of me
trying to break free.
I need to find a release,
to hurt myself beyond belief
to feel the most unbearable pain
to rid myself of this monster.
I don't know why I feel like this.
Why it picked me.
Why I'm the one it haunts at night,
tries to hurt
tries to breakdown, to kill
I don't know how much longer I can fight this.
That's what it is; a fight
A fight against myself, my mind.
My mind has turned against me.
Hates me.
Hates myself.
I can't be who I want to be,
so I keep it all in
and this is how it comes out,
as a monster
as this pain
this burning ache.
People who don't know can't understand.
They don't have the scars,
the battle wounds to show
to show their fight,
their losses
and their gains.
That's what my mind is;
a battle ground.
I can't do this much longer.
Everyday it seems I fight,
and everyday gets harder and harder.
The monster wants to get out
to stretch it's wings and fly.
But I'm scared,
scared of what it will do if it's free.
I don't want to hurt myself.
I don't want to bleed.
to scream
to cry for help
I want to be me.
Without the monster
without the fight.
I am weak and I can't win
But I'm trying.
Trying to win.
If I stop writing it might come back
but I need to sleep
and in my sleep it might find me
and break free.
So powerful! This is how I feel right now too. It's only been 1 month free of self-harm for me though. My friend told on me for doing it. Now everybody keeps telling me how f-ed up I am. I hope that I can find strength to keep fighting and I really hope that you can too. *hug* <3
Another day - Another play - Mold the clay
Straighten it out -Make it lay - Breathe upon the living creature Lungs burn - Heart pumps - Fingers twitch - Becomes alive -
this is powerful! I am in awe of people who can put their thoughts into words, I love this a lot! keep writing and keep fighting! we all need the strength..I feel like the world has gone off and left me alone in my pain just me and the monster. you can do it, stay strong
I agree...it helps knowing people understand but at the same time I would rather me be alone, I mean if I have to feel this way I would rather be the only one in pain
completly makes sense to me. been there a million times myself writing stuff to try not to sh. 8 months is really good. Someone said to me recently its ok to have bad days (which i guess means slip ups). took some pressure off for me at least. Hope things are going better again now.
hugs xx
Wow that was really powerful. I feel like that a lot. 8 months is really good though, and it is okay to have slip ups, that's what someone told me. I hope you are feeling better now.
thank you :) i'm feeling a bit better but just a bit emotional at the moment. probably due to a lack of sleep and far too much alcohol over the last week to be honest....lol I'm hoping it was a one off and i won't have any (or many) slip ups. I've still got the marks from weeks ago and they make me feel awful everytime i look at them...
hope everyone's doing ok
The greatest hazard of all, losing one's self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all
