Triggering (SI/ED) - Tired and alone.. desperate

[Melancholic_xoxo]

im tired. tired of giving help and never getting it.
of faking a smile for everyone elses benefit, but only getting complained at in return.
of stressing about uni whilst everyone else tells me it'll be 'fine'.
of being attacked for an eating disorder i am trying to no longer have.
but tired of feeling like a disgusting beached whale all the same.
tired of feeling like im dying inside, withering away slowing, falling apart, but no one else cares, even though they notice
tired of people judging and not understanding, of never being able to get the release i crave, and of having to stab myself with ****ing safety pins in college bathrooms coz everyones always on my back and would notice if i dared use a blade...

i just wish someone would listen, like actually care when they asked what was wrong, so i didnt feel like i was wasting their time by just breathing... i wish i could concentrate on something for more than 2 minutes... i wish i could cry.

sorry, even this is vague and cryptic and unhelpful.. i just havent got the strength to type everything out at the moment..

(T-T)

[Merc]

Not got much, sorry.
But we care here..i know not the same as IRL.
But ppl here wont fake interest and will isten.
Pls keep talking if it helps ok?
Are you seeing anyone yo ucan talk to?
If not, would you conmsider talking to your GP?
XX

[Melancholic_xoxo]

thanks - no, i havent really got anyone to talk to... i considered going to my GP, but theyre literally all family friends (i know, weird situation) and anyway, my mother would find out eventually and it'd all end in tears....

the thing is, i was ok before... i was down from time to time, but i was dealing with it. albeit in a negative way through SI, but i was even stopping that successfully....
then my 'friend' decided to get involved, and has basically forced me to stop through a combination of emotional blackmail and just plain insane-closeness and smothering.... she looks at my arms like every day - ive started cutting higher up even though i deliberately never have in the past, just coz i cant stop but need to hide it so much now...

ive just supported the same girl through a claimed suicidal phase she had. i say claimed only because i suspect she only said it to get sympathy from me, as she knows that i have attempted suicide myself, and so couldnt turn away from her.
i feel manipulated and foolish.

and now she feels better, and so is really happy ALL the time, which i hate (lol i sound really mean) because when she was sad i had to help her, but now im clearly in distress, shes ecstatic....

and then there's uni applications - i havent heard anything back, and a couple of friends have had rejections which scares me, and upsets me too, just coz theyre so shattered by it.

probably due to stress i now cant find any appetite, so im eating more out of habit than anything. sometimes. which leads to people getting on my back that i should eat more, making me conscious of everything i do consume, so i feel hideous constantly....

i fear i sound ridiculous and mopey, but i just cant do this much longer. it literally feels like everything is a mammoth effort, i want to sleep all the time, and i cant concentrate on anything...
i feel so weak and i hate myself - its like im a poison.

[katkinb]

here if you need anything.....
*hugs*
k x

[mybigcomedownnn]

are you planning to go away to uni? cause i think sometimes what you need to heal is to just get away. is everyones smothering you then just maybe think about clearing off for a little while? ive had the shittiest year of my life so im ****in off to london :)

as for that friend i think you should ditch her it sounds like she doesnt care and that she's making things worse.

sorry if im out of line in any of this.

im not around here all the time but pm me if you want to talk?

x

[Sigma]

sorry things are so tough... is there a college/school counsellor you could talk to?

[Melancholic_xoxo]

the people at my college are strange - once they notice something is 'wrong' with you they kinda segregate you and label you crazy and dysfunctional.... i'd rather just stay under the radar tbh....

i didnt plan to go away for uni - i live in london right now and LOVE it - but my grades have kinda meant i've had to apply to further away places....
either way though (even if i get into where ive applied in london) i'll still move out of home. i hope the problem can be solved by just getting space to myself coz this is difficult...

cut again tonight, and if anything i feel worse... heavy now from the lies... oh for simplicity!