I disclosed some really difficult stuff to my therapist yesterday morning about some of what's happened to me. I was crying all over myself and shaking really badly and having trouble staying grounded, but when I'm there in her office, there's this sense that, yeah, this is huge and scary and painful, but at least we're holding onto it together.
And then my time's up, and all this trauma stuff is stirred up, my PTSD symptoms are in high gear, and I have to hold it alone. I've spent all day barely being able to do anything but lie in bed and cry and shake. I'm supposed to be studying for finals and writing papers, but the flashbacks and body memories are too intrusive.
I've done all the things they tell you to do to stay present and grounded, and those are only barely keeping me from going off the deep end. I'm taking care of myself, I'm not self-harming, I'm trying to do things that comfort me. But I feel so alone with this now, and it feels too huge to handle. I see my therapist again on Monday, but that seems SO far away when every minute feels nearly unsurvivable. There's this huge, gaping chasm between now and Monday, and I have to find some way to survive it. But how? Everything's all stirred up now that I've told her, and I have no idea how to get through until then.
just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
*hugs*
k x
Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.
I know it's hard but you did a massively brave thing telling her and I hope your proud of yourself. It sounds like she has already gone through stuff with you to keep you grounded, as much as it feels like they are no use keep at it sometimes it can takea bit of practice. You will get through this, it will pass. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
That sounds very distressing.
How are you managing now?
All I can think to suggest is a nice bath, book, fun movie.
Wrap yourself safe in a cozy blanket.
Would writing it all/some out, to get it out of your head help? I've done this sometimes and it can help.
Perhaps when you next see her, ask her if maybe the last few minutes of the session could be spent in a 'cool down' mode?
Let us know ok??
Keep posting if it is helping.
xx
I'm not doing well. I've managed not to cut, but that's about all I've managed. I need to be studying for finals, but instead I'm trying desperately to keep from falling apart, and I keep having hysterical sobbing breakdowns. I'm hypersensitive to noise. We're supposed to be on 24/7 quiet hours because finals are next week, but instead everyone in the dorm is running around screaming, slamming doors, playing music, etc. I'm SO close to losing it.
I'm trying really hard not to SI because it could get me kicked out of school, but I don't think I can last much longer. And it's a long time before Monday when even living through 5 minutes feels unmanageable.
My counsellor had to cancel my appointment halfway through because we both realised that we were about to make a breakthrough, which although good, is also bad because she is on holiday for 5 weeks and she was concerened that getting to the low point and leaving me there would be bad....
surely having me hanging on the edge could be just as bad? especially as i have to wait till next year to sort this all out?
im sos orry to hear you are going through such a hard time right now. would you be able to call and make another appointment so you dont have to wait as long? perhaps say it is an emergency?
in the mean time call a friend and try to distract yourself. try to not beat yourself up about the negative feelings as well. xx
