I can't stand this.

[zowie]

I'm sorry that I'm posting for support after going a while without talking much. I've been avoiding talking in support forums and threads...Although I have been reading, I have been trying to stay a little bit detached while I try to progress in my recovery. (If that makes sense?)
I'm just having a really hard time at the moment. I'm not sure if I'm looking for support, comfort or just a place to vent.

My grandma has had a bad back for over 6 months now. Last week she was told it is cancer. It's untreatable and we have no idea how long she has left, though apparently it's safe to say it won't be years...maybe not even months.
I found out two days ago (Monday). I became very withdrawn and stiff. I wouldn't let my aunt or my sister hug me, even though all I wanted was to hug them - For my sake and for theirs. I really needed to sob and scream, but I wouldn't let myself. I don't know why.

I have been feeling very stressed over the last two weeks, and now this has happened and I can't even explain how I feel. After holding in the initial emotions, I haven't felt much at all...About anything. I know I'm still stressed, and I know that I'm devastated about this news. But I haven't been able to express myself. Not even privately. No tears. No talking about it. Nothing. I took a few hours off from my access course on Tuesday (though I think that might have been because I drank a lot on Monday) and I've told a few people what has happened, but felt completely detached and numb.

I'm sure these are normal emotions for this sort of situation. But I'm scared. I'm recovering from mental health illnesses...I was feeling worried that the built up stress of other things might cause problems but with this on top I feel like I might just collapse.

Mostly I'm scared because I love my grandma. My mum died five years ago, and I am absolutely not ready to lose someone else too early.

Typing that sentence has brought on some tears, which I think is something I was hoping would happen. I know I'm not detached from this, but I'm scared if it becomes to real for me I will really lose my sanity.

[katkinb]

Quote:

I'm sorry that I'm posting for support after going a while without talking much. I've been avoiding talking in support forums and threads...Although I have been reading, I have been trying to stay a little bit detached while I try to progress in my recovery. (If that makes sense?)

that makes perfect sense, so please don't apologise.

I am so sorry about the news about your grandmother, after losing you mum, it will be especially hard for you, which is maybe why you have distanced yourself from people and your emotions, maybe its your sub consciouses way of helping you deal with it at the moment so that you don't collapse as you put it.

I dont have many other words of wisdom Im afraid apart from saying, my pm box is always open if you ever need a shoulder or an ear...
take care, try to be kind to yourself.

thinking of you.
Kat x

[tamobhuuta]

i'm so sorry about your grandma and i think it's totally ok you're reacting like this, but it must be so painful for you. do you know what would help you cope at the moment? i wish i had something helpful to say.

[Merc]

I'm so sorry.
it is understandable the way you are feeling , or not feeling.
It is scary to suddenly have an onslaught of strong emotions...the fear that you will remain in that grieved state. Or that it may cause a 'relapse'.
I dont know what to advise, except however you feel is simply that; how YOU feel.
There is no wrong and right. I hope tho, that you can find a safe release, because letting it build up can become harmful in itself.
Its scary to let go but it is ok.
Be easy with yourself.
xxx

[zowie]

Thank you for replies. It means a lot. I will post again soon when I feel more up to it.
xxxx

[katkinb]

thinking of you.
*hugs*, always here if you need anything.
k x

[zowie]

I wish I could talk about my emotions when I am sober. But I cant.
I used to be able to. But I can't talk about myself without problems arising. Details are irrelevant.

I will never be able to talk this all through with someone.

I want to be able to explain everything, every detail, but I just cant.

Turns out I cant even talk about myself when I'm drunk.

What the hell can I do?? I don't want to be too open...This is the best I can do.