Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Bad dissociation.. fairly desperate *graphic*

Puck · 02-12-2009, 10:31 PM

OK well recently i've been coming to terms with a miscarriage in which took place at the hands of my abuser/ ex bf. I only started remembering information in july/ august after everything was surpressed to protect myself anyway after a recent sexual attack by a group of young men which subsequently resulted in consumption of the morning after pill and police etc. Also not long ago was the anniversary of the miscarriage and well i supposse i've started grieving? But i've completely plumited after i got out of hospital i was scared which let me stay stable but now i dont care and am rapidly deteriorating again.. My psychs mucking around with my meds which really doesnt help.. but i try to talk to her but she never listens.. she completely ignored it the last time i spoke to her the last time. Ok now that im deteriorating i've started getting hallucinations/ delusions again... I keep hearing a baby screaming and find myself looking for it

im convinced it will die if i cant find it.. Also i keep getting the sensation of blood coming from that area... it was never that exagerated though.. but this it soaks my trousers and then flows into the carpet. I keep awaking to having my ex do things to me and have the physical pain from what he did too (although this could just be flashbacks) or find him lying dead on my bedroom floor... But recently things have been he's sitting there alive doing the overdose/ drinking/ cutting infront of my eyes and then doing that evil grin at me.. once he's done he just points at me and laughs >< im going crazy.. i've finally lost it! Im also very much convinced that my blood is pure evil.. he used to turn every single life event that had happened and make it my fault and i believed him so now i keep thinking that the more i get rid of the more i'll be better...

My dissociation is getting really aweful... when i dissociate i lose all sense of time/ memory i go blank for hours on end. Two nights in a row i've done bad damage to myself during these.. two nights ago my mum found me walking around looking for the baby claiming it was going to die and would be my fault... I'd really badly cut my arms.. i dont think its been this bad before.. i wouldnt let her tend to the wounds properly though i was too hysterical apparrently. Then came last night... same sort of thing... i dissociated.. looked for baby but mum said i was also talking about him saying that he was bleeding all over and wouldnt leave me alone.. she's really exhausted and i feel so guilty she says im impossible.. she's had experience with my grandad who's got severe dementia... she can calm him down with no problem.. but me was a different story. I feel so guilty and just wish i was dead right now. But last night according to mum i

The following content has been hidden - Reason : graphic si

I know this is because i've got a letter for my psychologist and am planning on telling her everything about the miscarriage and hearing stuff/ hallucinations etc.. but thats two days away im going to try and stay awake.. i dont want to slip back into caffeine addiction so im limiting it and just setting tasks to do but im worried it wont work. im scared though because i dont want to be admitted... i swore i wouldnt let that happen until after christmas! I've got to be there for my grandad.. it might be his last and im not missing out on that! Not again i cant do that!

I dont know what to do im just so scared.. so scared... i hate myself and im really worried i just want this to be over i want to be me again when i can live without trying to end it subconsiously! The last time i was dissociating as much i ended up attempting to end my life and very nearly succeeded... i dont know

i just want some support/ hugs or any advice available. Sorry.

Merc · 02-12-2009, 11:08 PM

Oh my, my heart goes out you.
I understand why you don't want hospital right now. But perhaps a compromise could be reached?
That you can go in BUT be able to have leave over Xmas to spend with your grandfather/family?
This is getting very, very dangerous, as I'm sure you well know.
There is the danger (not to scare you, but you need to think about it, scary as it is) you may not make it till Xmas, if you don't get some relief and support now.
Far better to go in voluntary than be sectioned.
Have you ever been offered grief couns.? Specifically for abuse/rape/miscarriage?
Would you be able to talk to your GP about a referral/extra support of somewhere trained to help in this area? Or perhaps your mom could help ask/set that up?
I'm sorry your psych is not listening to you. That is terrible.
Maybe 'confront' her? With a letter, if that is easier?
Tell her you need to address this and feel she is not hearing you.
This is so so much to be dealing with alone.
Her messing with meds on top of it seems too much. I hope she can find something to help very soon.
I know your mom is there...but you deserve and need extra help too.
Pls keep talking here if it is helping ok?
thinking of you.
xx

(ETA: have you ever been taught 'grounding' techniques for the dissociation?)

Puck · 02-12-2009, 11:21 PM

Im in CAMHS so resources are limited.. im considering going private though.. they're thinking im too vulnerable for intense therapy after my attempt the other month.. I only disclosed a matter of months ago and am still struggling with talking they know nothing of the miscarriage just yet.. im trying that this friday. They've never really given me dissociation grounding techniques but am aware of them.. my problem is i have no awareness whilst dissociated my mind goes blank like blacking out.. its up to someone else to ground me unfortunaly and takes a lot of work.. im a bit helpless in myself when i dissociate.. it has to be when my mind is calm enough or something to let me do so... Im rather stuck. I will tell her on friday... i mean its too goddamn obvious not to notice something is very wrong im a mess... and obvious mess at that. If they give me the opportunity of sectioning.. i may take it just to relieve my mum of the burden.. Thank you so much for replying it means a lot to me.

Merc · 02-12-2009, 11:57 PM

losing slef hewre but good for yuo for going to talk moree
maybe try the volutry so itr doent end up sectuion/
yuo ar e very brave ewit talk about this here.
i hope she wcan help you dome more
sorr..mess
tomorrow better
pls try to tae care ok
does your mom knopw the grouinding ideas? wouold she be willong to learn to help for noew?

03-12-2009, 06:18 AM

*hugs* That sounds really scary. But know none of this is your fault. You've done nothing wrong. I agree, you might voluntarily go in and if you do you'd have a better chance of being able to get out for christmas. Hang in there. You're really strong to be fighting this and you can get through this.

Puck · 03-12-2009, 10:09 AM

Can i just how do i make it a voluntary section? I didnt sleep all night but was really hyper anxious.. mum came into wake me up and i freaked like mad.. i thought she was going to attack me O.o.. i have no idea whats happening to me right now! Its breaking my heart to know i let myself get so far.. i swore i'd never attempt and then after that i swore id be on my best behaviour/ fine! Im such a screw up.. But yeah anyway main point of writing.. how does it make it a voluntary section? is it if i accept the treatment without a fuss or do i have to directly ask for the help? Sorry just not sure.. because whats freaking me out is if i tell my psychologist whats happening she'll panic.. which is likely... i scare her quite a bit (our technical therapist-client relationship is unhealthily close but for the mean time i take that as a bonus) which i dread.. i hate hearing the fear in her voice. Then she'll drag me off to the psychiatrist who will probably do sod all in all honesty.. But i may be lucky as shes a clinical psychologist in herself... i think she has rights to admit right?

urgh this frightens me.. basically i dont want to wind up either freaking out at her or being sent off directly to hospital in an ambulance or something without a say in the matter.. or is that still voluntary? My fear of hospitals doesn't really help i supposse.. Another fear is that i'll end up on this ward in which has got a real reputation in my area and if i wind up there i'd have a real name for myself.. i'd never live it down. Its adult (im 16) but i dont know of many adolescant wards in my area.. Im scared that i'd get dumped there.

Im considering making an emergancy appointment with my gp.. he's really good to me and i feel comfortable talking to him.. he has to be the only doctor i trust. The last time he saw me (maybe two weeks ago) he saw right through me.. and at that time i was making an effort to appear ok.. but now im not bothering i just dont have the motivation to feel good enough to do so. I think i could do with some the head/facial injuries checked out though.. just for precaution.

I think it may be a good idea to teach my mum the grounding techniques as to me its still quite sudden.. im normally in so much distress when i dissociate i dont feel it coming.. if that makes sense. Maybe i could also ask her psychologist (she has to see someone on how to cope with me) to teach her? As personally im crap at explaining them.. Thanks again for replying, i hope you're ok

03-12-2009, 03:23 PM

I think having your mom learn grounding techniques would be a great idea. As for sectioning, I don't live in the UK. But I could guess you would talk to your psych/medical doctor and see what they say. Here you go to the hospital voluntarily and see if you are to be admitted. So sorry not really sure what the answer is. Maybe someone else here will know.

Merc · 03-12-2009, 10:35 PM

Could you discuss with her about an admission? Voluntary is just that, agreeing to go in on your own.
Sectioning will/can happen if the doc in charge of you feels you are a great danger to yourself or others and you refuse to go.
Also ask about an adolescent unit, there should be one. It would possibly be better being with ppl your own age, circumstances, etc. As any treatment/groups will be geared differently for each group.
Asking your mom's couns to teach her grounding techniques is a great idea. Then your mom will have the chance to prctice them with her to be sure she understand, etc.
Perhaps once she can 'ground' uyou a few times, you will be able to try youyrself.
Keep taking, dont hide how you really feel. No one can completely help you if they dont have the whole picture.
Good luck and pls let us know what the GP says ok?
xx

bleeding black · 05-12-2009, 05:32 AM

Hey,
It sounds like things are really hard at the moment. We're sorry that you've had those horrible experiences and you are still reliving them..
The experience of hearing the baby's cries, and the 'he' who you see bleeding is a quite normal response to trauma. It's the brain trying to process an overload of sensory information. You aren't delusional, so don't stress about that.
Grounding and mindfulness are great things to learn, they are very helpful but take time and practice.
We understand what you say about dissociation and feeling so out of control - we experience that a lot. One of the really important things is to practise grounding and mindfulness and be aware of any warning signs that might be leading to you becoming dissociated, and as soon as you notice them coming, implementing your skills at grounding.
We hope your mum come help you to stay safe while you find some support and someone to help you learn the skills yourself.

Personally we think it's much more important that you learn the skills to keep yourself grounded and safe, rather than your mum. Her psychologist could talk to your mum about aiding you in the process, but it is really up to you.

Admitting yourself voluntarily to a hospital is agreeing to be admitted; no force. To do that you will probably be assessed by the admitting psychiatrist or an intake psych associated with the hospital. Unless your psychologist is somehow affiliated with the hospital she can't do that herself.

Let us know how everything goes.

lostboys