Originally Posted by
Kiryuu Zero
thanks for the replies =] they have helped me to feel better about the situation.
no one 'told' me that people with past partners are less bothered about it. i just have a lot of friends who have had a few and i'm always getting 'been there, done that, am bored of it now' rants from them, which lead me to assume that you get less bothered about it the more you've had. thanks for clearing that misinterpretation up for me- i guess those people were just with partners who were only in it for the sex.
i did briefly mention it yesterday and he told me i wasnt dirty. we didn't go into it that much though. i guess its an area he doesn't feel the need to talk about and i'm just not used to talking about; i didn't even tell him that he was my first until almost a year after it happened.
i do regret that a lot (not it happening, that i didn't tell him) and i think that sowed the seeds for me just not talking about it. i guess i need to get out of it, i can talk to him about anything else why is sex any different. i'm also starting to think 'if you're not comfortable discussing it then you shouldn't be doing it'
i agree with ninjapenguin that i should just go with the flow and stop overthinking things. but equally i need to find a way to be able to discuss this area, should it need discussing- i shouldn't have to come running here for that; i use this place for support, not to find people to hold my hand there's a difference.
Yes you do need to find a way and that comes with practice. However im gonna disagree with you on your point regarding hand holding.
If relationships were that easy then no one would ever need help with anything. So why are there specialised counsellors to deal with relationship issues? As i see it, its primarily about communication and either the breakdown of communication or an attempt to build a bridge to create that flow. If you have little experience in dealing with these issues within a relationship that by the sounds of it is deeper than many or even any you have had in the past (reading between the lines), then how on earth are you going to know what to say and do without asking for a little help and guidance?
Did you know that it takes a stronger person to open up and ask for help than someone who just says nothing and hopes for the best? Its a sign that you are willing and wanting to find answers to be better and more full.
One of the hard parts in all this is finding an opening where you can start to talk about the subject without it seeming all to "in-your-face".
Are there any films or books or poems or writings or bloggs or anything that describe how you feel? Is there anything like that you could perhaps show your partner and then go on to say that you relate to this person and what they are saying. Its a far easier opening than "erm, i have some hang ups about sex and erm....) im sure you get the picture.
When i was trying to explain to my family about what was going on inside it was so difficult for me to know where to start. Then i saw the Stephen fry documentary on Bi-Polar. Im not BI-Polar but i share pretty much exactly the same feelings as he does regarding the depressive side. I showed it to alot of people and it opened the doors to discussion. It also took a little of the heat off me too. It nolonger became "just me" but it was a problem that i had that also other people shared too. It helped me alot.
Its just a thougt.
Give yourself more credit than you are! Its not easy to ask for help and advice. Its a good thing that you do!
