havn't been herein a while so i might do this wrong, TRIGGERING?

[XTC]

Before I had various problems in my life and I went to the Drs and they said it sounded like i was depressed or had some kinda of similiar disorder. me being me, shat it and backe dup on everything i said, said i felt much better, i can see i was being silly, etc when really i didnt at all. shortly after that i did feel like my life was changing for the better and i forgot all about it but over the past 5 months everything has came crashing down and im worse than ever...

i've tryed to kill myself twice with an OD in the past few weeks, i don't think i can say what here but i didnt take enough and it just made me pass out. i dont want to die but i cant help myself. i've started SH again aswell, again i don't want to but i can't help myself. i've lost everything that is good in my life, even my best friend dosnt want to know me anymore, i feel so alone and i know i make it worse by the way i think and what i do. i just cant seem to control myself and do what i want and know what is sensible. i set myself up to be knocked down by stuff.

im sorry for ranting and i dont really know whati want out of this but i need to talk to someone and i have no one left. this forum really helped me inthe past even if it was just cusicould rant to someone.

i guess i know i should go and seek some kind of help but part of me doubts they will even be able to help me. also i think if im diagnosed with something it'd make it worse for me cus i would officialy havea problem, even though there is nothing wrong with it i cant help the negative ideas attached to it. i studied psychology before i got kicked out of college last month and i know things like depression go into recession, not cured and that would play on my mind. i over think stuff way to much, i know i do,its part of my problem.

also if they prescribe me drugs i wont be able to resist the temptation, i wont tell them i've had a problem with drug abuse and addiction cus it would just be too tempting and i hate myself for it.

i guess im just scared, alone and have no where else to turn. thanks to anyone who read my rant.

[XTC]

sorry that was all jarbled, i didnt really know what to say or to say it so i kinda just gushed everything that came into my head as fast as i could type it

[earthbound_misfit]

*hugs*
I think you need to try and get some help again. Why don't you want to tell them about drug problems? It is really better if they know the whole picture. Also if you have a history of OD then they shouldn't give you too many meds (I used to pick up mine once a week so never had enough to OD).
It might seem really difficult and frightening but you must tell someone professional who can help how you feel - and remember its part of your problems that make you feel hopeless and not worth seeking help.
Perhaps you could print out this post if its easier to explain to ur doctor that way?
Good luck x