Triggering (SI/Suicide) - It's Rachel..need to talk...

pea soup · 29-11-2009, 06:07 AM

ok..it's like this....

Kelly is in the hospital yet again. i almost accidentally killed her last night. i was trying to just get away for a minute and she laid under my van. i didnt know she was there until her mother screamed to me to stop. i had it in reverse and was ready to hit the gas. i could have killed her. she was lying under my right front tire. it's just now registering what ALMOST happened!!!!

i called crisis for her last night before all this happened. they came and got her but then released her!!! after the incident with the van her poor 14 year old daughter called the police and this time they kept her.

she thinks that i have cheated on her which i HAVEN'T!!!! i just had to get away for a day. life has been unbelievably stressful lately. kelly is so angry all the time. i dont understand it. it brings me down. i think about suicide EVERY DAY. but i wont do it. i have to fight the thoughts all the time.

i slipped up the other night and have alot of superficial cuts. uggghh. i was really trying hard.

i visited Keith last weekend though :) THAT WAS GREAT!!! its so hard to be with him and everything is so happy and peaceful and then come home to chaos. he is 12 now and so smart. we had so much fun. i will see him again next month also :)

i have become Kaleb's mother. kelly isnt capable. i am. i would bring Keith home if i thought it was best. but it isnt. he has a great great life. i will not disrupt it. but i will not continue to be Kaleb's mother. i love him to pieces but i wont continue. im not being a mother to my own son and it isnt right.

i know im rambling. ive lost my whole point now....im so sorry im never around for any of you. things are just so hectic all the time.

i love you guys and miss you so very much.
loves.
xxxxx

~Grace~ · 29-11-2009, 10:34 PM

Im sorry, Im short on words but just wanted to say how sorry i am to hear things are so bad for you right now. But on a positive note I am so pleased that you have seen keith recently and youll be seeing him next month too.......much love xx

Merc · 30-11-2009, 10:23 PM

Rach, I'm so sorry things are so awful.
I agree that you shouldn't be given the responsibility of Kaleb. You need to let her family know that they have to step in now. It's gone too far.
Do you know how long Kelly will be IP?
It will be good for all of you to have the space and for her to get the help she desperately needs. You need to look after yourself right now too. Are you still seeing/talking to your doc?
I'm so happy you have seen Keith and will be seeing him again very soon.
Hold on to that hun. You have given him a wonderful thing, even tho it must be so hard to be apart.
Kelly needs to make the right decision now, for her children.
xx

pea soup · 01-12-2009, 01:25 AM

sorry...not directed at ANYONE but me. i love you guys!!!!

Merc · 09-12-2009, 01:07 AM

wondering how things are now?
Hope you are safe
xx

~Grace~ · 09-12-2009, 01:10 PM

Thinking of you xx

riley. · 09-12-2009, 05:47 PM

thinking of you lots xxxx

katkinb · 09-12-2009, 07:06 PM

hows you?
k x

chocostashchick · 11-12-2009, 08:44 AM

Rachel. You. Are. Amazing.
i hope you know that you didn't almost kill Kelly with you car that night. She almost killed herself. You didn't know she was there, but she knew what she was doing and she knew you were driving the car.
i hope Kelly is okay and i hope you are okay and i think that the way you are handling all of this and managing being Keith's mom and helping Kaleb and Kelly and her kids is so impressive. You are so strong and your positive attitude and your tenacity is really really inspiring.
hugs

Mandimoo · 04-01-2010, 01:10 AM

so sorry i missed all this - have moved house and no internet.

you need to get out, you and kelly i believe are feeding each other's depression and paranoia.

maybe afresh start is in order? nearer to keith so you could see him more often?

love you rachie
mand x

Margo · 04-01-2010, 04:57 PM

WOW!

Man thats some situation you got into there.

I dont want to say what i wrote cus i dont want to upset you....
....but i thin you have gone above and beyond the call of suty on this.

Its wonderful what you have done. Its unbelievable almost. but i worry about YOU!

I worry you will take on all the pain and trouble and be the one who ultimately suffers in the end.

I hope in all this you take time for you. You take measure of what YOU need and not everyone else. Its hard but i remember a girl barely able to live for herself, let alone a very sick partner and her child.

Please look after you too.

Big snuggles

Matthew xxx