I don't know what to feel.

[false_xsmiles]

I don't even know if I even feel for that matter.
For a while now i've questioned whether or not everything in my mind is right. There are things that go back to when I was small that question me too.

I have a terrible memory to begin with and sometimes I feel as if I am not real, I cannot come to terms with 'growing up' i have before convinced myself its not real. I feel often as if I am not really there, like everything is dream like. It causes me a lot of distress as you can imagine.

Over the last 3 (at least) years I have noticed a change come the winter months that I get depressed although this has happened more often throughout the year during this year. I self-injure as well and have many self-destructive thoughts including about suicide. All this seriously scares me and I have tried to help myself, tell myself I am going to be happy - to be 'better' but its hard.

I've had a few what I call 'breakdowns' in my life, for not much reasons as I feel life has gone pretty okay for me - yet I cannot help the way I seem to feel. They leave me feeling worthless, empty, they make me question if life is worth living any longer.

Generally i'm quite a self concious person, I do not feel I am a 'good' person but there are times when I feel like i've gotten too big for my boots, i've had times when I feel like i'm taller than i am for no apparent reason, as in being bigger, its an odd thing to describe. If I feel good about myself I can feel invincible. This all makes me feel so silly. Also I am pretty paranoid and nervous - I giggle a lot or if i'm out walking I check behind me loads and am just really cautious etc. I lack motivation a lot of the time, and am always finding it hard to concentrate on things - I end up doing around 7 things at once at times!!!

Other odd things which can happen to me often are that I can get to a point where I want to laugh out loud, hysterically laugh for no reason. But I restrain myself so I don't seem like a total idiot. It makes me feel pretty crazy. I can get really angry with people, scream and shout leading to crying and really low self-esteem (which I have a problem with anyway) I know it hurts people but I cannot help it, I get so stressed out. I get tired alot too and sleep way too much, I get frequent headaches.

I feel as if I need answers, answers to what I don't know. I just find myself really confused about all this and I cannot deal with the unreal feelings I get. I'm 18 soon and am afraid how destructive I will get when I can do things more for myself. I feel like its too much to handle, I've never spoke too openly with anyone about all this.

[Shenanigans]

*hugs* I'm sorry you struggle with these things hun, they sound very difficult to deal with.
Do you feel able to talk to anyone about what's going on and how you're feeling? Perhaps you could print off this post and show it to your doctor? Do you think that's something you'd be able to do?
You don't have to go through this alone hun and there is support out there that can help, take care of yourself
xxxx

[inblack]

Tormented had some good ideas. Your GP is a great resource and you may find that person to be incredibly understanding. I put off going to mine for years only to have the best experience when I did go.

You could also try and write down some of your symptoms in point form and show that to someone. This could be a parent, GP, school counselor, etc.

Another resource could be a mental health hotline in your area, they could guide you through the process of obtaining help in your area.