Please please if anyone has any ideas as to why this keeps happening to me it would be so helpful. This is the main thing that is screwing my life up and making me feel I cant go on (apart from this I was basically 'recovered' but this is pushing me back ovet the edge).
Basically what happens is, if I like a bloke/they are interested in me they are all over me and really lovely then suddenly - they're gone. No warning, no explanation. This happens to me a few times a year and every time it hits me hard.
I started avoiding relationships in order to avoid this - it has happened whether in a long relationship or a brief fling.
The last two occasions were the worst, as one was a brief holiday fling so I figured I couldnt get hurt, the other was just a friend - again I thought I was safe there.
The holiday guy was when I was travelling, we had 3 days in this place then I was going, he was all over me the first two nights then weird claiming to be tired the last.... but he kept saying... I will see you again (a month later we were gonna be in the same place by chance). Then he went back home to visit england without telling me! And the thing was I played it real cool, I made it clear I was enjoying the sex and his company but wanted nothing long-term - so my theory that this happens cos blokes are scared of commitment was ruined. He did end up coming back to the place but timed it so he got there a day after I left! And I know from others I met there that wasnt coincidence. Why couldnt he have left it as a quick fun ****?
The last bloke to do this was someone i've been in touch with for 8 yrs, last time i saw him was 3 yrs ago but we always got on very well (both thinking too much, and the same things) and this summer I was living a lot closer to him than before so we met up.... had a really nice evening, he kept saying he couldnt talk to anyone the way he could to me... he said this to his m8s too (I met one), he said the evening went way too fast (i had to catch the last train home 4 work nxt day) and that he really wanted to meet again. He txted, etc then.......... suddenly he's fobbing me off. ??? WHY??????
And its not cos of mental health stuff cos im basically ok, and this stuff is only apparent to them AFTER they've upset me. Even then its just me trying to get in touch cos I dont get where they've suddenly gone, then when they tell me to leave them alone I just want to ask why they changed.
And I dont expect a lot from people, it is when they change toward me that is the problem.
I cant keep living knowing that I can never loved or be loved, that every person I care about will leave.
Please help sorry its so long just wanted to explain clearly first
Beth x
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
It seems as though you push people away to avoid getting hurt/rejected. This along with impulsivity are classic symptoms of BPD, I know you told me of previous diagnoses. I sort of did the same thing myself years ago. Although I was never involved in 'flings' as I don't believe in that, I do remember one particular girl who I was once interested in telling me "you fear rejection so much yet you've been rejecting me all along". Those words were so true.
You really need to get into some sort of therapy for the BPD, if that's what it is. The more these destructive behaviours go on, the more it ****s up your life and the harder it will be to recover. You also need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be in a relationship........you're still very young and have many good years ahead of you. If you can't be content with yourself, there is no way you can be equal in any partnership and that will lead to the relationship failing. Worse still, you could end up staying with someone who is no good for you.........I once stayed with someone who was emotionally abusive because I believed at the time that that was the best I could get. Once you can manage to be happy on your own then your next relationship will be far more likely to be a successful one. I don't mean to sound harsh here, I'm just trying to think of practical advise that would help you. Please take care and don't be afraid to ask for help.
Last edited by airwolf282 : 29-11-2009 at 08:25 AM.
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
but i've had therapy.
I am basically happy on my own.
Ive actually enjoyed being single, id just like to know that one day there could be someone.
so you think I could be pushing them away without realising it?
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
Personally, due to my own abandonment issues I know that I push people away to sort of "test" them to see if they'll give up and abandon me...and even though I know that I do it, I can't help it and don't really notice when I'm in the process of doing it in the first place. So it's definitely possible that you're unconsciously pushing people away and/or keeping them at a "safe" distance...and that's why they end up leaving.
It's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You expect people to abandon you, you push at them, and then they do leave...which just gives you more evidence to keep pushing people away and keeping them at arm's length.
I'm a pro at it.
I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.
If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, you can find out first-hand what it's like to be me.
You'll need a symphony to give sympathy to the girl with the worst luck in town.
When I care, it curls me up on the floor and I swear I can't do it anymore.
It's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You expect people to abandon you, you push at them, and then they do leave...which just gives you more evidence to keep pushing people away and keeping them at arm's length.
^ ^
Flightless Bird said it perfectly. It seems that you probably do it out of impulse........I don't think you would be doing it deliberately. That's why I suggested therapy. If you can see a psychologist/counsellor and work on changing your thinking, you will eventually be able to stop doing it. Please forgive me if I'm wrong here.
Last edited by airwolf282 : 30-11-2009 at 06:25 AM.
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
But I cant see a therapist again, unless things get really bad. I wouldnt be allowed if I can cope day-to-day as I can now. For the same reason I have no involvement with MH services, as it stands they would make me worse anyway - then all they want is for me to 'cope' alone.
I dont know how im gonna figure this out, it seems so stupid but it is really getting to me cos it happens every time like maybe 3-4 + times a year and everytime is a big knock to me.
I dont really understand how I can be pushing people away though, it is as a result of so many people going that I cant trust them, not the other way round. Also when it is that beginning of a relationship i'm obviously feeling (and acting) awesome and confident and happy.
In fact it seems like as soon I as DO trust them, as soon as I think ive known them long enough they wont suddenly leave....... then they do.
Thanks for the replies tho :)
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
In fact it seems like as soon I as DO trust them, as soon as I think ive known them long enough they wont suddenly leave....... then they do.
I know it's hard when you're down but you need to be able to think logically and realistically. You can't possibly know that whoever you trust will leave you, even if you haven't met them yet......unless you have ESP. You should try to get to know someone first, even as just friends. You will get a fair idea whether or not they are a trustworthy person. You can also tell a lot from someone's past history. If they tell you about having a string of short-term flings or if they've just come out of a failed relationship then it's reasonable to think that getting into a serious relationship with them straight away is not a good idea. It sounds like common sense but when you're down or feeling abandoned, our judgement is very much clouded.
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
