Triggering (Suicide) - Me...Again :(

EmTeeEm · 03-08-2007, 06:00 PM

I'm back, feeling worse than ever. I don't know what elseI can do. I just lay around all day, watching the world go by, wishing that some freak of nature will just kill me on my sofa. I keep seeing flashes through my mind of my imminent suicide. There is this bridge near Prestwich hospital and I constantly have the image/video-esque playback on repeat of me jumping, falling and hitting the ground. I see the events leading up to and the end. I've seen myself take X amount of X and the death. I have plans. Backup plans, emergency plans. I don't know what I can do anymore. Suicide seems totally enevitable and I can't stop it. I'm at the point where I don't "want" to stop it. I want death to carry me away. I don't want to feel, or hurt, or live anymore. It's not just that I want an end to me feeling like this, it's that I want to die. Recovery really doesn't seem like a valid route anymore. I've been on 3 different A/d's and will be on my fourth next week. I've tried the talking, 1-2-1, group. What else is there.

I'm sorry
Ignore this if you want, i wouldn't blame you

EmTeeEm · 03-08-2007, 06:50 PM

Peversely I'm not honest with my counsellor, GP and psychiatrists because I'm terrified of them being obligated to tell my parents (despite being 16 I've been told if I attempt suicide again or have a serious plan then they'll be told). In a strange way I feel I'm protecting my parents from the fullness of my depression although I realise that when I do finish this they'll be hurt more than ever. Still, I find it hard to open up and admit everything. I'm trapped where I am by myself I guess, but taking that step of admittance again is too overwhelming and too scary and to be honest everything just seems hopeless and pointless. What's the point in trying? I just want to die now.

Jeremy · 04-08-2007, 06:42 AM

All I can say is wow. Reading what you typed was like reading the same thoughts and feelings I have, almost word for word. Quite haunting in a weird way.

I feel lost and confused. I visualize my death, and even try to come up with ways to make it seem like it was an accident. I think about what I may write in a letter (if I were to leave one) and the possible guilt I feel with having these thoughts.

I'm not honest with my friends and family either. I feel horrible when I try to talk to them about my problems. They seem to worry and get upset at me. I've done the therapy thing, and the anti-depressants thing. I was never honest in therapy, and barely touched on topics that were hurting me deep down. As for the medication, I only took it thinking it'd make me feel better. Looking back, I really don't think it helped at all. I am however considering trying again. Maybe I'll find that magic happy pill.

I know exactly how you feel EmTeeEm, so you're not alone. I guess I'm not alone neither. Regardless though, I think the best thing to do is not give up. Distractions have helped me the best. I've really found comfort in music. I'll often spend time laying on the floor, listening to music for an hour or two. Just closing my eyes... and letting myself wander. I find mindless activities work best for myself. Whether it be doodling on a piece of paper, or just writing nonsense in a notebook.

EmTeeEm · 04-08-2007, 10:59 AM

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you feel so bad. I wish you didn't you seem such a lovely person who took the time to reply to my post. I guess though, you could be in a room full of people and still feel so so desperately alone. I feel it's time for me to embrace death whole heartedly now. There isn't anything left. Put an end to this existance. I can't cope. I'm sorry

Tig · 04-08-2007, 11:15 AM

You don't have to be sorry for feeling the way you do, I can relate as well and it's a horrible feeling to have. I'm in a pretty similar place to you, except I'm lucky because I've moved out of home I don't have people threatening to tell my parents things. I just can't trust them.

I agree with what you said about being in a room full of people and still feeling incredibly alone. I am sorry you feel so bad and I wish I had something productive to say that might actually help you but my mind is blank at the moment.

Would you find it helpful to talk to a helpline like the Samaritans? It might help to speak to someone and hear their voice, but knowing that they won't be passing on your information to anyone.

xXx

EmTeeEm · 04-08-2007, 11:30 AM

Everyone's home right now so its hard to get to a phone and not be overheard. I've text and emailed them in the past but it isn't instant. I just feel like I've run out of options and at the same time I don't want to have to try anymore x

Tig · 04-08-2007, 05:29 PM

I know what you mean about the e-mailing and texting them, it's good when you've got time but when you're feeling like this it's hard. Also, I know what you mean about too many people being around.

I really hope you get a chance to ring them, if that's something that you want to do.

*Hugs*

xXx