Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - How do you love your abuser to whom you are married to?
It hurts.
Emotionally.
It hurts.
Physically.
I feel used. I feel raped. I feel belittled.
Abused as a youngster. Now possibly as a wife??
I love him. He is my husband. I dont like to do "it" all the time. He does.
Its hard. It hurts. He slaps me (not my face) It hurts. He pulls my hair. It hurts. He calls me dirty things. It hurts.
I step away from myself when doing "it". I dont like it. But he is my husband of 15 years. He loves me. I dont love my body as I am insecure unless I am on my psycological high and then I am all over him.
How wrong am I? How do I love to do "it" . Why do I only want "it" on a high?
I feel I owe it to him to have sex. I am just so exhausted. I am just so humiliated by my own body.
It's a hard question to answer Rainy.... I've been there myself. I think on one hand that our partners should always respect our boundaries and when we say no but on the other hand i can kinda see it from their point of view too. Which is "we are together, we love each other of course we want to have sex too!!!" However, this doesn't take away the feeling of being used as a toy.
Rainy, we haven't spoken for a looooong time so i don't know if this is even appropiate, but i think you ought to talk to someone about these feelings. Not neccesarily your husband to begin with but may be a friend or the like. I am quite confident that many people feel the same way as you do and i think this is a rather common problem.
I know for me it made me feel totally worthless.... And it's not a nice feeling. But i do also realise that when love is involved it can be hard to respect your own boundaires too because you feel like you owe something to your partner.
Hmmm... I've blabbered on and on but not really given any decent advice... I think the best thing is to talk about it some more. For now. You know you can always talk on here. Nothing you said makes me think any less of you. I actually admire your courage. Just wish i could help in some way..... Because i know first hand how hard it is.
I think theres a difference between liking and loving. I think you can love someone and not like them just as easily as you8 can like someone but not love them.
Marriage isnt a passage to sex/abuse or anything.
If you want to keep your marriage for all the "right" reasons then you must work this through together,. Open communication (i suggest via a mediation service) and work it through.
If you want to keep this marriage because you think its the right thing and you are consumed with guilt and fear and whatever else it is that keeps people in abusive relationships then its time to look inward seriously and get help as Kat says!
I know you rainy. I dont believe you qare happy in that relationship at all. I also feel that the love you have is out of what you feel is expected of you rather than whats in your heart.
From the times weve been together i sense you are looking to be loved. I dontbelieve you feel it in your heart at all. The "he loves me" mantra is just somethig you think but im damn well sure you dont "feel" it.
You know where i am. Ill always listen as you know.
You have the right to be happy and with someone that makes you happy. You know that that someone could even be just yourself! you have the right to make yourself happy too!
You need some lessons in self respect. learn to see who you are and respect that lady cus i do! Shers strong and funny and brave and intelligent and cheeky and loving and sharing and lots of other things too!
She doesnt deserve this idiot. she deseves ALOT BETTER!
FRainy, I don't know what to say exactly...well, I *do*, but it isn't very helpful perhaps...
Think this way, would YOU treat someone this way?
We both know the answer...
You have to admit (sorry babes, but you do) this isn't the only issue, is it?
There's another that really is very hurtful too.
I can only imagine how scary it is to realize all this and admit it...
But you have had 15 years of it...I worry if you could possibly survive another 15...hell, 5 !!
But, most of all...why???!!
Your kids see/know, at least some of it. I know how you feel about them, how very much you love them.
Oh, FRainy....
wish I had the maginc words...but, maybe I do;
To add; I think this may be because of you getting 'well'...of finally learning how special you are, what you deserve...
Embrace it FRainy, its you r ticket out of hell.
As scary as it may be.
There ARE ways, and we'll all be here to help, anyway we can.
XX
I am scared because I know what I can do to relieve this tension.
***VERY GRAPHIC***
I remember when I was little and dad shoved things inside me to "make me bigger". I remember him trying to "carve" a bigger opening. I remember bleeding. I remember crying/screaming only to have a towel shoved in my mouth.
I wondered if it was normal to "become a woman" everyone had to be cut.
I knew it was wrong.
I know what happening now is wrong.
I sometimes feel his "pounding" is to hide the ways he used to treat me. I sometimes bleed and bruise. I sometimes want him to "****" me so hard that I pass out. I miss the bruises sometimes. Sometime i enjoy the harshness....so wrong of me...but most of the time I feel violated.
I cant hit myself anymore. This is my self respect.
I know what I have done in my past. I do deserve some of this treatment. I just dont want to be the victim everytime.
I am finding more and more things wrong with me now that I have found some of my voice.
I know I need to talk to someone. (and still do)
I have a few issues that need to be dealt with. It seems when I start to conquor one, another shows its ugly head.
I want to admit some things about HIM. You guys know what. I just cant sacrifice life right now.
To say something now would mean to end my life.
I DONT KNOW ANY OTHER WAY TO LIVE.
Today is a hard day.
But I survived it with out SI.
Last edited by Rain Keeper : 25-11-2009 at 06:26 AM.
No one was home last night. The kids went to Nana's from the rest of the week for Thanksgiving. My husband was working an odd late night.
I wanted to do something but I didnt. (yay)
I came online to find no one...but I still didnt even scratch.
I have anger, fear, confusion, tension swarming my head. The thoughts and images are so real I can almost feel HIM.
*BREATHES*
I am not seein my counselor until next week because of the holiday. She called me yesterday to check in because she knew I was going to spend it alone. I think she is slightly worried I may try something. Cutting or worse- trust me it would be prime to off myself -or just to SI.
I will let the emotions go. Throw myself into work and try and forget.
I KNOW. This issue of abuse needs to be talked about. I thank you for letting me get started to open up about it.
Rain I care somuch about what happens to you and it pains me to read how you are treated. I am glad you realise the issue needs to be dealt with, hopefully sooner rather than later hun. I am always here if you want to chat, my pm box is always open to you. Love you, take care xx
You know what? All that I have read here just makes me admire you all the more. This must be some of the hardest stuff to deal with let alone share.
A heartfelt well done.
Secondly, I don't think there is alot we can say because you already seem to know what needs to happen. Of course this is the hardest thing in the world to admit to, especially if this goes deeper than 'rough' sexual moments (which it seems to, to me at least). And I again commend you for letting it out, and learning to release it in such a positive and strong way.
A productive way.
I have no advice, I have never been in your position so I have no pearls of wisdom. Just know that I, like many others, are thinking of you and am more than happy to listen to anything you want or need to share.
Letting us in is the first step, you know what the next one is.
Love,
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
Everything Iz said.
Proud of you FRainy.
You have been incredibly brave for letting us in.
love ya
xx
(Have you been able to share this with your T? She sounds very good, FRainy. Even if you couldn't say it, you could simply print this for her. If you aren't quite ready to actually discuss it, let her know that. She will go as slowly as is best for you.)
I'm not sure about 'the next thing' part? Least I hope i'm thinkng wrong...
can u keep talking?
I'm glad you have admitted that you know the truth of what is happening/has been happening.
i can well appreciate how very scared you must be right now.
No one is saying you need to 'fic it' immediately. You need time to get used to the admitting.
When you are ready for the next step, ppl will be here and yout T too. She sounds lovely
You have friends here, FRainy. Use us, let us help if we can.
love you
I know how you feel about going in.
I hear how scared you are.
But, you trust her right?
She only wants the best for you.
And a bit of break seems the best FRainy.
Better to go voluntary. YOu could perhaps discuss with her a time frame too.
Pls, call her.
*loves ya*
