I'm feeling down about things, so I thought I'd post for some support or something. :(
So I had my doctors appointment this afternoon. Over the past few months my mood has been up and down and I have been extremely distressed, it's been horrible. Not all bad, not the worst I have ever been but still horrible and I think I have an accurate view and I'm pretty aware of it all. My self harm has come back and gotten worse. I od'd (but am physically better now). I have behaved weirdly in public and not in public and felt pretty embarrased afterwards.. I have gone for a long time without sleeping. I have been nasty to people. Feel out of control in lots of ways. My thoughts have been racing, spinning in my head. Etc.
I haven't seen him for a long time. Party my fault, for missing an appointment because I hadn't slept at all for 2 nights and couldn't function.
I told him most of what has gone on, and I have seen the crisis team and my CPN and had an assessment in the general hospital so he should have notes from that too? But he didn't listen properly which is annoying cause I like him as a doctor.
He didn't change my meds at all and when I said I was worried about my mood he said 'you can't blame all this on illness (bipolar) you have an emotionally unstable personality, it's the way you react to things in your life' which may be true but he's not been with me these past few months and this feels extreme mood changes so what am I meant to do? Just put up with my rollercoaster and ride it through, 'accept it'? No one has ever said anything about my personality before either.
I wanted to ask about counselling/psychotherapy because that has been suggested by the assessment woman when I talked to her more in depth, though I know I expressed myself better then, but we got chucked out because of time.
So I've come away with more sleeping pills, a prescription of emergency prn lorazepam and my usual meds that I don't think are working and an appointment next year.
I'm angry. I feel that I am treated - not in the worst way in any strech - by any stretch of the imagination, but like I want to blame everything on my illness, like I want to be ill and like I don't really deserve being listened to. Now and in the past.
I don't know. :(
x
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
You day you had a Drs appointment, was it with your GP or with a Psych?
I think that if it was with your GP then it is worth contacting your cmht and asking for a psych to review your meds. Explain that you do not think they are as effective as they could be and outline why.
Regardless of whether or not it is your illness that is making things harder to cope with, if your meds are not helping then they should be reviewed.
It may also be possible to ask the cmht direct if they can set up counselling/psychotherapy for you.
*hugs* hope sommat gets sorted soon.
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
It was my consulatant psychiatrist. Bit silly of me to forget that part. :)
I think I am going to ask my CPN when I see her on Friday about the counselling thing and have my mum in the room cause I don't remember/understand things especially about services well that often. I don't quite understand how it works round here so I presume I'm better asking her than on here cause she will/should know..
I am reluctant to ask for anything like a meds review because I don't think they will listen and I don't want to 'go against' anyone. Kinda feel.. what's the point, but I will think about it and try to leave it open as an option if things don't improve and I feel pretty hopeless that they will.
Thanks for the hugs and your help.
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
yea u can always ask the cpn to get the doc to refer u for cousnelling or whatever. i guess the doc meant that your illness may make u feel like doing mad things but whether u act on that or not is down to u. i used to do crazy things and go thro phases of self harming, and now i try not to, the feelings are still there, i still want to do those crazy things but im not acting on it.i guess thats what he meant. i know theres no point in them changing my meds because iv already tried alot of stuff and none of them do me any better. maybe he just doenst want to mess around with meds and side effects when he thinks u need to change some of your behaviours. but he should have suggested counselling, altho if ur already seeing a cpn and people i guess he thinks that is that.
Yeah. I suppose it's that whole issue of how much you can 'blame' your behaviour on your illness. It seems the more I keep seeing them, the more they suggest I am not that ill (not ill at all??) and blame things on having a illness too much, which does make me angry. I don't feel like I have control and that is my biggest worry, or one of them at least. I am being torn between worlds, and the only real control I feel I have so far is not to get angry and to stay here in this world.
In the past I have been treated well, but treated for a very horrible illness and feel that has been recognised, now I don't understand. I'm just confused. I don't want to be ill. I don't want to just be a stupid blah-de-blah.
Is this me being a little child, silly and stroppy and not being responsible? But I am scared and frightened and distressed..
I understand what you said about the meds, that makes sense as I have been on a lot. I saw the crisis team people they were actually really helpful today and they are going to check one thing about the meds and I can ring them tonight/tomorrow.
x
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
