Triggering (SI) - to be a good mum

[Audrey]

my baby girl is now 6wks old. she is completely gorgeous and I love her with all my heart. I haven't SI'd for well over a year now but am so down at the moment I'm struggling.

my fiance is making me feel like i can't trust him. He's great with the baby when he's at home but sometimes i feel the lure of his friends and the pub is just too great for him and i'm left feeling lonely, it's not like i can just go out when i feel like it. i have a child to look after.

Thing is, i don't want to live in the town where we are at the mo because I only have a small handful of friends left here and all my family live a couple of hours away (I'm very close to my family and miss them so much) . I'd love to move to be near my family now that we have the baby but i know my partner wouldn't....to be fair in the current climate we're lucky he has a job, i do appreciate that. Thing is, my partner used to do alot of cocaine and I told him that if he didn't stop then i'd leave him. I know he still hangs around with that crowd but he promises me that he's stopped. He doesn't go out as much as he used to but when he does he drinks and when he drinks (not that he's an alcoholic or anything) he changes. He's already said stuff to me like we shouldn't be together and he can't be himself anymore but he has to understand that we're parents now and whereas I don't mind him going for the occassional drink with his mates, it would be nice if he came home at closing time to help with his daughter, but he stays out until the following day and makes me feel like a complete nag if I'm less than happy about it.

I do the night feeds all week while he has to get up for work...is it really too much to expect him to do the night feeds at weekends?....

When he is at home he seems to spend more time playing his football manager game on the pc or chatting on facebook than he does talking to me or helping me around the place (housework etc)

I should add at this point that our sex life has been non-existent for the last 6mths at least....(it doesn't help that I'm a stone heavier since having the baby and have very few clothes that fit me...I don't feel attractive anymore but I'd love contact with him....he's just always 'tired')

So, as i'm sat here on my own again (apart from a sleeping baby) I ask....is it wrong that I'm worried about what he's getting up to? Will he do coke again if he's drunk? He's already admitted that he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had (apart from me apparently). I know he'll wind me up by not coming home and I know that over the next few days he'll be all sweetness and light and buy flowers or jewellery etc etc but i just want him and his support and less drunken, inconsiderate behaviour....why can't he see that?

I just feel so lonely. Tonight i've even been considering selling our flat (which is in my name) and moving closer to my family without him...but then is that being a crap mum to my daughter....

is it better for my baby to have a mummy who's miserable living where we do or is it better to move her away from her daddy but closer to the rest of her family?...

I should point out that i love my partner very much and he's a great dad when he's here and sober...i miss him so much....i just hate feeling this crap. The more i'm here on my own, the more i'm scared that i'll slip back into old habits.....

advice please....i don't know what to do......

am i unreasonable? I don't know what's me being a nag and me being responsible anymore!!

[ihop23947]

I don't think your being unreasonable. Your putting your daughter first and that is what is most important. Have you talked to him at all, told him how you feel? It's not unreasonable at all to wonder what he is up to when he is doing things to make you wonder. If I had to guess he's got some things on his mind to, perhaps worried about being a father, and this is how he deals with it. With all that said, I say sell the flat. I'd rather you be happy and closer to your family. Unless your partner changes I think that is the best option. I see it like this, you have 2 negatives now - wondering about your partner and you being miserable. If you move, you only have one negative - no partner around unless he moves too. Which I don't know the whole situation obviously, but why wouldn't he want you and his daughter to be happy? Pubs, mates, etc. are more important than that?

I don't understand some of my fellow guys sometimes. I guess they don't realize how lucky and blessed they are. He has a great woman who loves him, beautiful daughter and in my opinion he is blowing it.

[Lou Lou]

*cuddles* I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment.
I have been in a VERY similar situation to this - my then partner was more concerend with going out and seeing his mates than he was with taking care of his son.

Needless to say the relationship quickly deterioated. Not that this is the case for every couple in this situation but now is the time to be realistic.
When something makes you miserable change it.

It sounds to me like your partner is ****-scared of the sudden responsibility. Men, it seems, don't get into parent mode as quickly as women do, pressumably because they don't have the bonding hormones we do. Again, not always the case for everyone but I think most men struggle. Some don't deal with it in a very good way!

Your best bet right now is to tell him exactly what you expect of him and then have him tell you whether it's fair or not. You both have a chance to talk about what you expect of each other and he might see that he is being unreasonable and at the same time you might appreciate WHY he is going to the pub all the time.

Ultimately though, if you can't trust him and if he can't pull his finger out then that's no good for anyone. A child does not need a father who is out all hours. A child does not need a mother who is miserable and trapped.

If you feel that moving away would make you happier then I think it's time to start looking into it. I hope for you and your daughter that your partner turns himself around a little bit before then.

*hugs* Good luck with everything. I know it's hard to refrain from old habits but try your best. Have you talked to your midwife about this? Obviously you don't want this to develop into post-natal depression. A midwife or doctor might have some ideas that could help you or could at least pay close attention to make sure you don't slip.

If you ever want to talk about any of this, feel free to PM me xxxxxxxx