My therapist knows I don't plan on quitting. She encourages me to try to find alternatives, but doesn't pressure me to stop.
Last time I quit, I was in the hospital for like 3 months, the first 2 months I was cutting every day not caring about it, using literally anything I could get my hands on, but then after being there like 2 months, one of the staff just sat down and talked to me, and was telling me that if I didn't stop now, I could end up in places like that for the rest of my life, and was like I was the only person who could stop, no one else could make me, and I don't know why, but somehow that stuck with me, and from that day on, I started putting in an effort to stop, and eventually I did quit.
It was about 4 years I was clean. Until now.
This year was really hard for me, I started college this past fall. I went from a tiny high school where everyone knew me, to a giant university, where I was a nobody. (I do still live at home though, because I help take care of my handicapped brother) It took them forever to figure out my school schedule because I have this weird sleep disorder so I can't take morning classes. Eventually the conclusion disability services came to was I should either switch schools or switch majors. That just made me really depressed, because I worked my ass off to get into my top choice with scholarship. Plus I was like 2 weeks behind in my schoolwork because I didn’t know my classes. Then my mom got sick with the flu, so I had to miss a week to take care of my brother, then I got sick and was home for like another week and a half, so I got even more behind in school. It was just a downward spiral from there. (and during this time my health insurance was gone because the government is stupid, so I couldn't be seeing my therapist). I decided I just didn’t care enough to fight the urges anymore. I still don’t. I’m going to fail at least one of my classes for sure, which probably means I’ll lose my scholarship. But I just can’t make myself care enough to do the work. I’ve stopped going to like half my classes. All I want to do is sleep and cut, like that’s all I can think about.
I know I should be doing distractions instead of cutting, but the truth is that I don’t want to let myself get distracted, I really just want to cut.
Sorry, I just realized how ridiculously long this post was.
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