Triggering (SI/OD) - more alcoghol abuse than SI trig

[Merc]

am posting in serious too...
sorry

things are ****ed.
Have posted in vets support..dont wanna take up space and repeat..

but there is a new issue witht the ongoing issue

I want to be ****ed.
WHY do i feel the need to be out of it to feel good? (you know? It isnt even 'feeling good'...its feeling removed, safe,yet nothing at the aame time)
(not really asking for support for the drinking...just stating)
ive taken a double dose of 2 sleep pills (is still 'safe', im sure..not a suicide)

i need an escape
but my mom doesnt have one..has to s;log thru it..so why should it sdo this? Why am i so weak to need this escape?

Sudden urges to harm so badly that I will be kept
axe
circular saw
even the ****ing drill in my head!
etc...JUST to get away??!!

They most likely wouldn't keep me anyways (till i did/do somehting) and even if they did...how do i leave my family (hubby, daughter...and esp. mom, right now??!! I DONT..simple answer..maybe in the new year...)

HOW ****ING SELFISH IS THAT???!!!!
How much can be 'deemed' my illness ands how much is me...just a **** person???
Hurting, scared, ****ed...

[katkinb]

you have so much going on at the moment that its understandable that you are looking for releases for your emotions be it worry, anger, fear...

you are not weak by saying that you need to escape, you are just showing that you are a normal human being.
It would be far better to try and talk to people on here and stay distracted that way though.

Try to be kind to yourself.
My pm box is always open.
kat x

[Merc]

Ty kat, much appreciated.
Don't remember posting.
have discovered (or just finally admitted??) that the 'forgetting' what I ddo the night before are blackouts...
that really can't be good.
Because of new stuff, I took a large dose of both sleep pills, I just needed to be out, away and safe.
But...what did I do last night?
I dont know...odd things around house, don't really want to go into detail.
At least daughter was out (DJ class) for it all.
Just needed a break I suppose from the dreadful news...
anyways, thanks for replying, means a lot.
Hope you are doing ok?

[katkinb]

Don't worry I quite often can't remember everything that I have done, the main things is that you managed to keep yourself safe.
It is understandable that you might need an "out" at the moment, just don't shut everyone out, because there are so many people that want to be there for you, including your daughter Im sure.
be nice to your self and try to play fair!
k x

[Merc]

Thx yet again, Kat.
Drinking again. Not much...but still..
wanting to OD on new refils hubby just picked up...so badly
Why??
I really am not sure...wish I did know, then I could 'fight' it, counteract it you know?
Taken some, about to 'do' more....just wishing they would kick in so I would fade for the night and maybe wake to a safe day tom.
Can't be out of it at night tho...am emerg. ctc for the hosp. for a family member.

[katkinb]

I hope that you had a safe night,and that a new day brings some clarity of the situation. k x

[Merc]

thx kat.
am lost in this spiral again. own fault.
bad day today
not all here
sidoriented conmfused..not sure why.
have taken PRN
may go back to bed soon, kep safe.
hate this