Triggering (SI) - I guess the word relapse fits

[ineedaname]

I know thel reason I started SI when I was 7, I just can't type it because it turn into a rant and thats not really the problem. If it helps, my childhood was so messed up that I was in therpy for years. Although, I've never told them I was SI-ing. I just didn't think they would believe me. I Still don't think anyone would believe me if I told them this, so I've never told anyone... well till this post. If it wasn't for the "no lie" clause I doubt I would have put this up, its has to be the turth.

So this was roughly ten years ago and I thought I was alone for the longest time. I was seven, and there wasn't anything to help little seven year olds that hobbies include borrowing the kitchen knife. So I went off and on for three years till I turn ten. When I got a little to far and decided I don't want to accidently kill myself. And till yesterday, I haven't gone back to it.

Yesterday, I punched the wall. I broke my pinky on one hand and my other hand is brused, and it hurts. I was just had so much anger at myself, my mom, at everything. I don't want to go back to the way things were when I was ten. I couldn't control my anger. I needed the pain so I wouldn't say I was mad, so I could pretend that I am perfectly fine. That I was totally okay with the situation that was chosen for me.

I guess my um relapse came from well the anger but stress. After all I am a college freshmen this year....

Anyway, I just wanted to tell someone. Thanks for listening (reading?)

[Drella]

Well done for posting this :]
*hugs* <3

[in another life]

*supportive hugs*
Well done for opening up here! It sounds as though you have been through a rough time in the past and you are also struggling now. It must be hard for you. How do you feel now after writing about it here? Did it help at all... You said that you don't think anyone would believe you if you told them you have SH'ed - well let me put it this way, people rarely make up that they SH, its not something people lie about - it is usually a sign that there is something more going on. What i'm saying is if you chose to tell someone (like your dr or psych) about this they would definitely believe you and endeavor to help and support you through it.
I wish you all the best and offer my support.

[Defender Of The Faith]

Well done for posting here. If you ever want to talk then you can pm me any time. I don't think that people wouldn't have believed you, but I can understand why you might have thought like that. It's okay, we're all here for you. Take care.
xx

[ineedaname]

Thank you. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Also about the not believing thing, that roots itself to my childhood when no one would believe what i said was the truth. (I was telling the truth too.) My old family always called me liar and attention steeling whore. It just hurts, ya know?

I did probably relapse because of stress. I'm still stressed. Insert a swearword here.

Oh and *hugs back*

[in another life]

*hugs*
I can understand why you are hesitant about people believing you, when you are not believed by your own family it makes it very difficult! But I want to say that I believe you and like I said earlier so would your psych.
I'm sorry you are so stressed, it sounds like a hard time for you at the moment!
I hope you find a way through this and I'm here if you need anything! *hugs*

[Defender Of The Faith]

I know what you mean with the not believing thing. My mum currently doensn't believe that I'm not doing it for attention. It's hard, when all you want is their help. But... I guess sometimes it's better to find someone who will help you, and who will believe. I know all of us here believe you. And we all know that you can beat it to! Just hang on in there.
xx