Triggering (SI/OD) - struggling

[airwolf282]

Hi all,

I have been 'away' from RYL for a while and at the moment I am insanely busy. I don't get time to post much and don't even get to see the counsellor at the moment. I am sorry I don't get to show much support around here either, I feel like I'm using you guys and I have no right to be posting here. My class hours were cut which means I have more work to do at home without any teacher there to help me. There's only one month left til the end of my course yet there is mountains of work to be done. Lots of assessment tasks too because it's near the end.

I'm anxious as hell right now and not coping well with it all. Yesterday I was absolutely miserable and felt like giving up. But studying to increase my chances of getting a good job when I'm ready is really the only thing that keeps me going at the moment.

I feel stuck, I mean if I give it up now I will be ****ing my future up. I will have to depend on a pension just to put food on the table and pay the rent. I will have no life and won't have the money to do anything for the rest of my days. On the other hand the course is ****ing doing my head in right now to the point where I feel like I want to harm again or take all my meds. I'm so sick of life. Nothing I do ever ****ing works, I fail at everything. And the part that really irritates me is that the areas of the course that I'm really struggling with a totally unrelated to what I want to do as a career but I still have to pass the ****ing things before I can advance next year.

Why the hell do I even bother? Everything seems so damn hopeless. So what if I have managed 4.5 months without harming? I feel sick, constantly getting headaches, tired and have no appetite. I'm just so sick of feeling like this The only thing that gives me comfort is the thought of dying. I want to be able to tell my friend who committed suicide how sorry I am for the horrible things I said to her before she died. I'll never get a chance to do that in this lifetime. And what's worse is the thought that what I said to her may have been what pushed her over the edge. It's bloody awful living with the feeling that someone died because of my stupidity. I'm at my wits end and I just wish I was never born.


Nathan

[Sigma]

Hi Nathan

I know it seems an uphill battle right now, but you have done amazingly with your studies... the last few weeks of any course are always a nightmare, that's 'normal' - it's OK to be tired and fed up with it and stressed by finishing off. If you didn't worry about passing then I'd be worried about you! Try not to let that cloud your view of how much you've learnt and acheived with this course, and where it's getting you. Day at a time and you can get through it...

And your friend... sad as it is, it was her decision, not yours. You did the best you could at a time when you were struggling yourself, whatever you said, her decision is not your responsibility.

Take care, and lots of hugs
Ax

[katkinb]

I can't put it any better than whats written in the post above.
Just know that we are here for you, whenever, no matter how busy you are, you just have to say.
k x

[Sigma]

Hi Nathan, how's it going?
Ax