Severely Triggering (ED) - Too much!*Letter added*
I know Ive been posting a lot lately and Im sorry for that.
Im just utterly messed up.
I just want to shut my eyes, and to eralise that all this was just a stupid long nightmare. But I cant. Because its not.
I cant deal with my moods at the moment.
For example my mum jsut moaned at me because apparently Im spending too much money....When actually Im not a couple of years ago maybe, but since I had my own flat I learnt how to manage my money...and now Im back with my parents they just keep accusing me off not being able to control myself..when actually I am...but nothing is up for discussion in my house, because what they say goes. So we just end up arguing most of the time. Now its left me in such a frustrating mood.
I cant deal with my anorexia anymore..I jsut..I know I have to..but I dont know how to anymore! I was thinknig about writing a letter to one of my nurses and jsut giving it to them about everything I am currently doing to myself but I dont know. Maybe I should jsut keep quiet and ****ing die!
Because thats how much I hate my life right now.
Im fat. why cant I jsut stop eating? I have to admit my weight is plummiting but seriously..I ate dinner yesterday!!
urgh Im such a heffer.
cant even ARGH
JUst ****ing die please!!
Last edited by I am a cat : 11-11-2009 at 10:48 PM.
I think the letter sounds like a really good idea too!
You need to let people know how you're feeling,, otherwise no-one can help.
You've fought this for so long,,
And you're so much stronger than you realise.
Don't give up sweetie.
xxx
Well content loves the silence, It thrives in the dark, With fine winding tendrils,That strangle the heart,
They say that promises sweeten the blow, But I don't need them, No, I don't need them...
The letter sounds like a brilliant idea no matter how hard it will be to write.
And i can only imagine how tiring this battle is/has been for you.
But YOU ARE strong.
You can beat this.If if it seems like a long distant dream.You can.
Thinking of you Sammi
Try be gentle with yourself.
You deserve all the luck in the world.
Meg x
Do you think..in the letter I should say everything? I dont want to end up being forced to go back into hospital
and yeah I understand everything your all saying..but I cant live with being fat, which apparently is a "normal weight" Since coming out of hospital not that long ago, my weight has dramatically dropped, and I dont even know why it has done it so quickly. I mean yes im not eating etc and abusing tablets blah blah but its never dropped this quick before. Im nearlly...so very nearlly back at my lowest weight...which was a sectionable weight..so I jsut I dunno....
should I be honest and write the letter...or just hide?
Write it ALL down..i know you probs dont wanna here this and i so so so hope this doesnt put you off writing the letter but if you put down everything in the letter and they want to put you back into hospital, then its probably the best place for you.x
Im gonna write the letter today..whats ive written it ill post it on here and you can tell me what you think??
Im still not sure though - because I had to see a nurse today to have some injections and she totally lectured me about how ill I look..and I look dehydrated and should I be in hospital again!! I jsut ended up switching off...I only went to have some injections!!
I am gonna give it to a nurse that I trust and get on with though - but I have my fears still :( I know she will get my doctor once she has read it :(
I dont know whther to post it to her and let her read it or her own, or to give it to her when she is doing my weight??
Do you get on well with your doctor? Why are you concerned with the idea that she'll give it to the doctor? Is that a bad thing?
Give the letter to the nurse in the situaltion that you think you'll feel more comfortable. Obviously, either way it's going to be somewhat stressful, but weigh them up against one another and do what you think will be easier and/or more beneficial.
xx
Last edited by Ninja Orange : 11-11-2009 at 02:02 PM.
Reason: typos and such
Letter to nurse: thoughts please!
I realise that this is probably asking a lot of you, and that this may be unusual, but I need to tell someone a few things, someone that I trust, and someone I know that might be able to help. So I am writing this letter to talk to you about my anorexia, because I don’t feel able to talk about it in person and I’m also kind of really afraid. I’m not entirely sure, what I am afraid of, myself maybe, what I’m doing? I also think I might be quite vulnerable physically.
I know when I saw you for my patient health check, I was “stable” and finding things ok, and to be honest with you, I really thought things were ok, that day I saw you, I felt so proud of myself when you complimented me, I felt like I had achieved so much, and my weight was only just healthy and I strangely felt ok about that. You made me feel ok about that. I thought I was through the n know who to turn to for help. Now I don’t even know who to turn to for help.
It all started up again a couple of days after I saw you actually. I just had a major relapse, and now I’m even worse than I have ever been before, and I can’t see myself getting out of it this time.
You see the thing is, (and this is why I am mainly writing) my weight has plummeted, from a healthy weight straight back down to an anorexic weight, its happened really quickly as well, which has never happened before, really. Its kind of scary when my rational side thinks about it logically. I have been abusing prescription diuretics (..........) and I don’t even have them on prescription, I buy them online from America, I’m always abusing laxatives, other diuretics and diet pills. I am exercising way to much. I am only eating one meal a day, and that one meal I eat, I throw up soon after, so practically nothing in my system really. Its getting to the stage where I’m vomiting fluids too. I had my blood pressure done not that long ago and it was quite low. And I have been getting general aches and pains constantly. The other day I also blacked out, which was really scary, but I cant stop, I cant pick myself up because I just need to be thin for everything to be ok, I hate being fat, if I could perform my own fat reduction surgery I really would!
I’m sorry to have piled this all on you, I just, I need help, I think. I trust you, I realise you will probably have to pass this onto Dr ........., I just wanted to talk with you first. I have made an appointment to come see you for my weight and blood pressure to be done on the 17th November; I thought maybe we could talk about this letter then? And maybe you could hold off passing it onto a doctor until we have had the chance to speak.
If you could, would you be able to fit me in sooner? If not I understand and can wait. This is my mobile number, in case you can fit me in earlier ==============.
Thank you for reading
I went to the doctors today and handed the letter in..Im so scared :( and I saw my psychiatrist today and he said I have to see my doctor to be medically checked because im too ill to play games with my haelth!! Bollocks!!!! They also said if my ED team dont do anything they will take it into there own hands!!Bull ****!! This is all so crazy..and theythink imthe one with mental health problems,,, I think they neeed help
