No-one has ever wanted me, and I don’t blame them, I don’t want me either. My family certainly didn’t want me except when I was achieving something so everyone would admire them, the best I could hope for at school was to be ignored instead of being spat on or having my hair pulled out, I can only have friends as long as I’m being ‘fun’ to be around, if I ever show my depression & who I really am they disappear. If I disappeared today then no-one would really miss me. Work would find it inconvenient while they recruited someone else, that’s about it.
I’ll be 36 in a few weeks. I used to think if I tried hard enough for long enough things would get better, but they don’t. So I’m back at psych appointments and trying one med after another and ‘talking about it’… but it hasn’t worked in the past, so why would it work now?
I'm scared of dying, but it's the only thing that makes any sense
Last edited by Sigma : 11-12-2009 at 09:59 AM.
Reason: update title
Oh jeez that was hard to read because it rings a really loud bell somewhere deep inside me.
Not feeling wanted.
Not feeling heard.
Them not wanting to listen unless it was what they wanted to hear.
Always trying to prove that i'm good enough to listen to.
Friends that i tie to me by making them emotionally dependent on me.
'Friends' that are like ghosts in the night - all a pretense.
Fear that one day even they'll grow tired of me if i was just me. Ever.
Fear of being invisible. Need to be invisible.
Trying, trying, trying to be and feel something i can't and don't.
Anger that i can't manage this.
Disappointment noone 'cares' enough to help me.
Dejection that none of this will ever change.
Seeing 2 paths in front of me, desperately wanting to be take one but stepping everyday nearer to the other.
That is what your post made me feel.
I wish i could tell you things can get better. I wish, wish, wish i could say that to you. But i won't allow myself to lie.... But if it helps in even a small way, i am here now despite all the above because i know other people can feel loved, wanted, valued and happy...so those have to be real emotions and there has to be some way to attain them. I have to believe that, and i think somewhere deep down, i do. So hold on and have faith.
You're a good person, you've just come across the wrong people, or the right people in the wrong frame of mind.
Things can change. Life can get better. Maybe not amazing changes, or all great things at once, but there can be subtle shifts and good moments, and hope. There is always hope.
I was bullied too, and am always here if you want to talk about it some more.
I hear you hun and I can relate to feeling unwanted. I have also experienced bullying from school and in the workplace. You're an amazing person and I'm not just saying that to cheer you up......I mean it. You always show others support and you've helped me a lot. Please keep going to the appointment and keep fighting because these feelings will pass. At 35 you are still very young and have many good years ahead of you. Please PM me if you ever want someone to talk to hun......I will always listen as you have done for me.
Love Nathan
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
I hope it will help, even marginally, to know how very much I think of you and value your opinion (as do many here), and also look forward to your messages.
Personally, I believe you to be a very genuine, wonderful and warm person.
I'm sorry the ppl/'friends' you have are unable to see that, unable to step out of their lives, for even just a moment and give you the much needed caring and support you deserve. I know it is not the same; but I'm always willing for a chat or pm.
As to trying again...all I can say is this may be the one...this could be it; your way out of this hell you have been stuck in..I hope you can give it a try.
xxx
How are you feeling now hun? I'm always just a PM away if you want to talk. Sorry I don't have anything more useful to say........I'm feeling rubbish right now too.
*Hugs* to you hun. I'm always thinking of you.
Nathan xx
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
It's turning into a good day - it's my birthday and sometimes that depressing but I've had a nice breakfast with a couple of friends, lots of hugs at work and a fun weekend to look forward to... so things are looking up, the side effects are still there but so is the better mood.
OK, the 'up' was temporary, feel as if i've fallen off a cliff emotionally... as soon as I stop rushing around being busy I just feel crap. I look at people around me and wonder if they feel as disconnected and alien as I do, whether they're just pretending too or whether they see some meaning in all of this
I hate this weather - whenever the clouds move this quickly I sort of zoom out and lose track of myself on this tiny little planet spinning madly through infinity... everything is not going to be OK
I don't know which scares me most, living or dying. Dying I guess, or I wouldn't still be alive. But as I drive I imagine myself driving into something solid at high speed, or in a head on collision... it would hardly be noticed, everything would just carry on as normal
First off - happy birthday! I'm glad you had an up, however temporary, light relief is always a bonus!! Although i get that it is further to fall.
I hear what you are saying. Actually you have taken how i feel and said it a lot better. Thankyou. I'm not sure what to say........do you journal or anything because perhaps doing so will allow you to see when you are down that there were times when you did feel okay....and that may offer some hope on those dark days......
I do journal sometimes, but usually when I'm down! When I'm on an 'up' it all just feels too repetitive and pathetic...
I think the ADs have taken away some of the sheer misery, but what's left is fear, I don't even know what I'm really afraid of. But everything seems so disconnected and temporary and artificial, I look at buildings and see them in ruins, or when someone leaves the room it feels as if they've disappeared forever. There's nothing I know for certain, or can rely on, especially myself, and that frightens me.
I'm wondering is the meds are possibly causing the disconnected feeling? I have had that as a SE before...
May be worth talking to your doc and remember it may well ease in a bit.
Hoping you are as ok as can be?
Thinking of you
xx
I can relate to the temporary "ups" and feeling like crap as soon as you stop running around. I can relate to a lot of what you have said actually and I wish more than anything I had some answers! We just have to keep pushing through this, it reminds of that famous quote - "When your going through hell, keep going!" Which is so true, eventually, EVENTUALLY, there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel! I hope so.
I quite often feel disconnected from people, but I guess when things were hurting so much emotionally it felt less weird to be a bit disconnected because the pain was a distraction. Now I feel calmer I notice the disconnect more, also the fear and hopelessness - although I feel less upset about it all I also feel more hopeless and apathetic... it's never straightforward is it? Doc appt in another 10 days or so (apparently he's very busy at this time of year! that made me laugh...) But I know you guys are going through similar stuff, thanks for your support.
"When your going through hell, keep going!" - lol, I haven't heard that before, but it's very true :)
It is understandable how you are feeling.
Like you say, now there is a clearer focus so all sorts of things are going to appear differntly, more 'there'.
Do you have to ctc before your next appt?
Do you feel safe enough to manage till then?
Keep talking if it helps ok?
love ya
xx
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