Triggering (SI/OD) - Woah struggling. Bad urges and stuffs :(
Dunno wots wrong with me really. not sure if its after a week of freedom and now family are back or what?
Ive had urges for a few weeks now. Ive not really thought much about them aside from they are just urges. I know what i did in the past was bad. I know if i was to see myself after a "session" id probably faint and be sick. Yet ive been close this last couple of days. REALLY close. :(
Saturday morning i was vacuuming and all of a sudden i got this huge reality check. That im old and useless and ive really ****ed it all up. It was like id never actually "heard" it before. It was like this illness and its consequences had struck me for the first time.
The thoughts of suicide are creeping back in and i find myself encouraging them. I have the means to do something quite bad.
I feel so low right now. I hate what i am and what ive become. :(
Pengy friend i don't really know what to say except you're welcome to talk to me about this stuff if you need to. I can offer a friendly ear if nothing else.
Sounds like you've been dealing with these urges pretty well recently. You're doing really well even if it doesnt feel that way. You need to give yourself more credit for how well you have been doing.
You're not old or useless and you haven't ****ed anything up. The illness has ****ed things up and now you're starting to reclaim your life its having a bit of a paddy.
If someone had a physical illness and lost the things you'd lost, would you think ill of them? Would you think that they were useless or a **** up or any of the things that you think you are? Of course you wouldn't. You'd admire them for still fighting, for trying to get their life back together and for coming through it.
You will never be the same person as you were before you fell ill. And I think that's a good thing. From what I know of you you have changed a lot, in a good way, and grown as a person. And so what if you're a grown up? You've still got a lot of your life to live and enjoy. You just need to keep working at getting better, doing the things you're doing (with the pig and seeing your mom/old friends and seeing Basia etc) and being the lovely lovely man that you are.
You have been doing so well, that it is only natural that at times you might go backwards or stay still on this journey you are on to recovery.
You may have had urges, but that is all they were, you have managed to stay strong and ignore them, for that very reason you are not useless and you should not hate what you have become.
You should be proud of the progress that you have made, and you shouldnt be so harsh on yourself if things go wrong from time to time.
You may not be the person that you used to be, however, who says the person that you are yet to come can not be even better?
sorry if this doesnt sound supportive enough, I want it to be as I think that you are doing great, but Im not the best with words.
Try and be kind to yourself and recognise the good inside yourself.
k x
Sleep is better these days. Id say that its pretty normal infact. Not many nightmares anymore. I guess 3 years of constant ones was a bit much.
I keep getting more and more "holy ****!" moments. In some respect i guess they are good. In many they are horrible.
Each time i think i see reality and "awaken" a little more im still further met by new dawns of realisation that make my situation even more upsetting and unsettling.
Just like the incident vacuuming i keep getting moments where things become clearer and clearer as to what exactly has happened to me.
My MH issues have never controlled my life before. They havent defined or shaped me. 5 years ago i was just Matthew who was a bit sensitive and suffered the odd bout of depression now and then with a propensity to drift into melencholy. Aside from that i was just that guy who liked nice shoes, chatting to the ladies and being a loony.
Days like this i see what this illness has done to me. what its taken away. what its destroyed. How its marked me. Im left on benefit in a town i dont know in a house i dont belong; miles from anyone with a family i more alien to me than our estranged neighbours.
Days like this im saddened and hopeless. The loss seems insurmountable. where the **** do i start to pick up the pieces? its all too much. Its all too hard.
What the **** did i do to deserve it? I was a good child. A good person pretty much. Never did anything to be mean on purpose of hurt anyone intentionally. OFC im not perfect or angelic. But jesus ****ing christ WHY ME?
Im jealous of peoples "lives" what i perceive as a "life". A successful happy life. I want to smack them. ?Banish them. Its not good to think like that but i see it and i feel ill never ever have it. EVER.
No one tells you that the HARDEST part about recovery is recovering! no one tells you thats when you feel the most pain and loss.
**** this is hard. Really ****ing hard. Not a day gone by this week when i havent been holding back the tears. Grieving for " i dont know what".
I don't have any better advice than has been posted above.
I just wanted you to know that we all think highly of you, and we all truely hope you will eventually be able to see the things we see, in yourself.
Lots of love and nice cuddly thoughts,
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
God i feel low. Crying while i write this. I dont even know why :(
Psychiatrist in 45 mnins. Just a check up. Last saw him 4 months ago.
Ill be honest and open as usual. Im not really sure where im at right now.
Question: Doe sthe fact i still think bout SU alot (and its always the "other option" or the flip side to most thoughts), mean theres still a problem or am i just stuck in that routine way of thinking after so long? Or am i just being sillyand should pull myself together?
Why is it that these life altering insights always come during the most inane tasks? I've always found it a bit ironic that out of the ordinary comes flashes of realisations.
I get those moments too. Those times when i'm sitting in the car driving to work and suddenly i realise that this is what i've been doing for the past how many years, getting up, going to work, coming home. Coping. Jeez it is depressing. I think of how much i've lost; my childhood and all the fun growing up experiences, the friendships and closeness, the longterm relationships. And then i regret and become angry that so much has been taken from me without me ever getting the chance to experience it. I get so angry at all the happy people and feel so alone. And yeh i scream to the heavens 'why me? what did i do to deserve this amount of pain?'. I ask how any of this is fair.
Sometimes though, on the more reasonable days, i think about what living with this MI has offered me. Personally it has shown me that I have great amount of strength and willpower. People may call me alot of things because of this depression and MI - selfish, arrogant, self-absorbed, fickle, angry but they can never, ever say that i'm weak. It isn't much, but it is something.
Anyway what i'm trying to say in a bizarre twisted way that is probably completely inappropriate considering how you feel right now....and kinda surprisingly positive (which i don't really do generally).....is that you are still you, that loony shoe loving guy, with some added extras. You are obviously well loved on this forum, and i've read some of your sticky posts and they offer a lot of guidence and insight. I wish you had never suffered, but you did and yet even with all the pain you have been through you still offered a lot to other people through your understanding, support, kindness etc.
So please don't underestimate what you have accomplished during the past 5 years.
Psych was fine. I said i felt better than before and it was gradual but slow. he was happy with my decision to drop my meds by half as long as i wasnt going downhill. said to just keep doing what im doing and he'll see me in another 4 months.
It was what i was expecting and i had no further expectation so all was good from that thanks Rainy.
Thnx for the words CB. Try swapping out the words shoe loving to BOOB loving and thats meee! :P
My problem is the difference between knowing and feeling.
I know im better for whats happened. I just dont feel it. I know im not a bad person. I just dont feel it. i know people say lots of nice things bout me. I just cant feel it. its always always like people are talkin bout someone else and not me.
People keep talkin bout this "Matthew" person. WHERE THE **** IS HE? WHY CANT I SEE THE FEKKER?
Fanks Romperoo. Long time no speak. Hope you are ok love. Still mad for your cars and bikes? I too am short on words of advice these days. I dunno where it all went. I used to spam this board :|. now i can barely read two posts and after a reply im tired.
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Bit triggery:
I drew a serated knife acoss myself today :( I dunno why i did it. I didnt do any damage. Just looks liike a scratch honest. and not a "Matthew" scratch, a real one. *sigh*
It hurt but it was something i miss so badly. something i remember so well. An old friend. All that was missing was the deepness and that red stuff i dont like :P
When people say ive come a long way it makes me wonder what kinda state i was in before. worryingly and unhelpfully i have little recolection most days. Its hard to guage where you are now when you cant see where you were. Does that make sense?
Now and then i think **** ME you were a nutcase Matthew. WHat were you thinking? But i cant recal what others remember about me. Thats a worry. Had i really lost it? I always thought i was pretty much concious of my thoughts and decisions.
My memory is sooo bad. thats a worry too.
almost cried at work again today. Rephrase that: i did cry at work, half a tear leaked out.
