many years of this

[kid dinamite]

I'm 25 and have been at this for as long as I can remember. The last time I came to this site was about 2 years ago. I'm not the typical person who is assumed to behave in this manner, but I have the scars on my arms that show that I'm never really in control. Is there anyone here that can explain why I resolve back to this? I put myself through a very prestigious American university in a difficult science, got fellowships to the top schools in the world, and I will be a doctor soon, and I still end up doing the same things I did when I was 12.

I don't get it.

I am doing everything that no one thought I'd be capable of. I was told by my family I'd end up like my father; a drug addict who died too young. I worked my ass off to be at the academic level I am at right now. To hell with everyone who said I'd never be successful. I guess I never really understood what a successful life means. I figured out the academic side of life. The superficial side. People look at me and understand that I'm doing well, and I'm going to have a fantastic job and be a great mind in society. . . but I have never been able to find happiness. I put my career in front of everything, academics before everything, so I can be the person everyone thought I'd never be capable of. The son of a man who OD'd did not let that be an excuse to be a failure. He paid his way through college to be on top of his field so he can be successful in life.

I feel like I'd trade everything I've achieved to be happy. I don't know what it's like to be truly happy. I moved away from the love of my life to pursue academia. I, looking back, believe that it probably was not the best choice. I don't know how to explain how a man in a position such as mine has such childish tendencies. I have burns and scars from half my life ago that I need to explain to women, which is practically impossible. I wish I could disconnect my history from the life I am leading now. I hate answering questions about where I am from; ask me where I am going. I don't want people to look or think of me differently because I came from a terrible background, look at me for what I am doing with myself.

These scars are a reminder to me of what I want everyone to forget. How do you deal with this? Do you hope to meet someone from the same situation who understands where you're coming from? Does cutting and burning ever stop being the one thing that makes you feel comfortable? I do this, but my brother is a womanizer. Would that be a better way to deal with things? I wish to God that this sadness leave. I don't know what I can do to get rid of it, and I don't want to depend on someone else for my happiness, since that would be fleeting. . .

This was very long, but I never post here. It's nice to vent. I hope maybe someone else can connect to this, and if you do, you can also see that someone feels the way you do.

[CagedBird]

I connect to that feeling you have of thinking 'why the heck am i doing this, i'm a logical, intelligent person but i resort to this?!'. But i'm not sure it really relates to our rational side, so it is invalidating to shame ourselves in this way time and time again.

It sounds as if in this post you have answered your own question. It sounds like you are very unhappy and are not even sure what happiness is anymore or how to achieve it (this i relate to!). And since you have always been able to get yourself to the top of the pile despite all adversities you are confused as to why you can't 'achieve' this as well. It sounds as though through-out your life you have constantly been trying to prove yourself to everyone around you, especially your family. It sounds as though your family are quite critical.

I hope i've not over-stepped the mark in this post. I don't mean it to sound like i'm saying it's simple just fix this and that and you'll be fine...because self harm and all it entails is a complex issue. If it were that simple and logical to work out believe me the vast majority of us would not be here!! Have you ever thought about talking to a therapist about any of this? I know that might sound like the cliche answer to everything but i have found it very useful despite my hesitations...and i think there is a lot about it that might be helpful for you too.


These scars are a reminder to me of what I want everyone to forget. How do you deal with this? Do you hope to meet someone from the same situation who understands where you're coming from? Does cutting and burning ever stop being the one thing that makes you feel comfortable?

I wish to God that this sadness leave. I don't know what I can do to get rid of it, and I don't want to depend on someone else for my happiness, since that would be fleeting. . .

Your past is part of you, you can't forget it no matter how hard you try but it doesn't define you. It is not you. I think acceptance of your past would really help you deal with all of this.

I say all of this as if i know anything, i'm still struggling to even admit to myself self harm is a problem! But i do hope that you allow yourself the opportunity to find happiness and to connect with someone again.

[Sigma]

I can relate to using acheivement as a distraction - and that it doesn't work! ^ agree with Caged Bird - could you talk about this with a counsellor/therapist? Because the past isn't going to go away, we need to find ways not just to live with it but accept it, even though that's so hard to do