ticking time bomb

[tweety pie 84]

for no apparent reason ive felt really low all week. I know this is just part of me and the 'cycle' i seem to have but it doesnt make it any easier. Ive felt like im gonna implode every day but have carried on with everything regardless, just kind of ignoring it. I really dont want to do anything stupid. Its not worth the aggrevation of what goes with it if it doesnt work which lets face it, it hasnt yet and ive lost count how many times ive tried. i know that now. But i feel like im on self destruct again, a bloody ticking timebomb. I just wanna scream

[Stellata]

What if you did scream?

I can understand that feeling of being utterly on the edge.

I hear how you've been pushing through it. You're doing your best to hold things safe.
You do hear and feel the self-destructive thoughts and feelings though, and that is concerning for you. I know for myself that self destructive thoughts come in when I'm feeling low, because some part of me feels she can't bear the sadness feeling inside. But it is possible to hold the sadness, tenderly, with care. It doesn't need to be attacked.

[tweety pie 84]

thanks for the reply.

I cant literally scream as i have 3 neighbours, but ive been screaming silently if that makes sense, like literal screaming but without a noise. It helped a bit. Still feel like this timebomb tho.

Ive just spent an hour and a half with my social worker which was good. Been doing some positive thoughts work, and just trying to work out why ive suddenly felt like this. Didnt solve it, but its something we will be working on over the next 5 or 6 sessions i think. Shes new and i really like her. Cant fully open up but thats because ive only really known her a few weeks, other than when i saw her around uni. I coincidently have a psych appointment next week, so ill see what happens there if im still feeling low.

Although i still have the same constant feelings of not wanting to be alive (even when im 'ok' i get this) i really dont want to OD or anything as it causes a lot of people a lot of pain. Im trying to carry on as normal and its semi-successful, i just get bouts of 'im about to flip and do something stupid.

I feel a lot safer now than last night anyhow.

[Stellata]

I'm so glad you feel a lot safer, and have good support in place.

I get totally about the silent screaming - I do it too!