I *think* the new med and the increase of the other are helping.
So...why do i suddenly feel so destructive? Its been building for a few days..yet I do feel better...
Is it simply fear of feeling better? Of the 'unknown'?
I want to cut...it hasn't even been very long since last time..a few weeks...this month was a year..but i ****ed it up.
I want to OD.
I did a small one last night. But I want more
Im craving a drink...just because it will fuel the destructiveness, not a craving fot it in itself.
I'm alone for several hours yet.
I was meant to see my doc today, I'm out of one med (the AP) and I know missing it will mess with me...yet I didn't go...for that reason...
The pharmacy won't advance anymore..I already did that and I have to see him before anymore...
Gonna be a looong day/night...
Thinking I should just take some of the other stuff, make muyself sleep...but I'm scared i'll just...yeah..
sorry
ty.
I'm hoping to go tomorrow. I have to...but I don't know if I can manage it...But I simply have to do it, don't I?
Yay me...having a drink...
that will surely help... stupid
*Sigh*
Sometimes, when I am feeling the lowest of the low, I can't be arsed with the hurt, pain and destruction and then when something helps lift that feeling a little, the chaos reigns as I didn't have the energy before. Do you think perhaps something like that is happening?
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Exactly. Which why I know I have to do it.
I know I can't give in. I know how much it will hurt and worry my hubby, that my daughter will worry if I go IP again.
But...part of me right now doesn't ****ing care. As horrible as that sounds.
I'm just tired of it all.
So, so much easier to just self-destruct.
I crave it right now.
Just let go...
ETA: just saw yours Carrie.
Yes, I think that might be it.
But honestly? I don't give a **** what the reason is.
Just let it all go...just for awhhile...just...stop fighting all the time.
It gets so ****ing hard, doesn't it?
I'm just tired.
Thoughts wizzing in my head of how I can achieve the most damage.
I have the means, that's for sure.
Thoughts of power tools for **** sakes.
Not been here in so long....
sometimes, when meds start working they give you more energy, which for me, feels strange n it turns to destruction. thats why they warn of an increase in suicidal feelings when u start on antidepressants.
duno if that makes sense?
I pushed the self-destruct button the other week and have kinda been restrained (yeah, that included ODs and cutting every day and frequently), so as you see, I am far more "horrible" than you are.
Would your hubby and daughter not be more worried if they saw you lose control. Maybe it would reassure them that things are changing if you were able to make that decision for yourself - that is if you think it will help.
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Yes, actually, it does. Thank you for that. i had totally forgotten about that possibility.
I have just called the pharmacy..he will advance me 3 only..so I must go tomorrow. So i will at least (hopefully) sleep tonight, but none for PRN....but I have other stuff...trying to ignore it...
I hate this...he's telling me, Just do it. You deserve it. And just screaming.
I could handle the depression alone...but that added voices/commands gets too much.
Just want it all to shut up...but usually only one way to achieve that...and the 'good' way of )proper) PRN isn't an option anymore...
Thanks Carrie..sorry. havent been much support, I know you are having a **** time right now. The review/whole day at the TC sounds very draining. Are you safe tonight do you think?
Be proud for limiting your drinking, I well know how very ahrd that is.
I don't thihnk I'm so bad as to actaully need IP tbh. I think I can manage this at home...gonna try anyway.
But I made a 'deal' with hubbuy, that if I sink again, no matter how much I fight it, he is to take me...or call police if I refuse.
How apthetic...but when I get to that point, it is what's needed...
I hope I never ever put him thru that.
Just keep telling myself how awful that would be for him..and god forbid my daughter were to witness that! I could never forgive myslef.
I understand the voice commands, I really do - I suffer from pseudo-hallucinations (not psychosis, so my team don't even attempt to deal with them). Mine get worse the more stressed I get. Maybe if you take control re your meds, possible help eg IP or more intensive home treatment, maybe it will make them shut up a little?
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I was originally told miine were pseudo- hall. too. They have changed it to psychosis NOS now. I know before, with the previous DX it seemed it wqas shrugged off asd not that important! I now how that feels. Wjho cares what yo ucall them...you still need help with them/. They are still horrivble!
I'm sorry they don't help ewith it.
I'm on same as you for seroquel, it really does help at itmes. The sleep has improved too. thank god.
See..there's so much good..I shouldnt be this way.
It all still feels a personal failing.
I have the opportunity for either 1-1 or group therapy coming soonish...three months for group, and a 2 month wait for individual.
Keep thinking Ive managed all these years, surely I can manage a few months for god sakes.
want to thank all of you for replying to me. It really means a great deal, to know ppl actually care, despite your own troubvles right now, youare still right there, helping. Thanks so very very much
I was originally told miine were pseudo- hall. too. They have changed it to psychosis NOS now. I know before, with the previous DX it seemed it wqas shrugged off asd not that important! I now how that feels. Wjho cares what yo ucall them...you still need help with them/. They are still horrivble!
I'm sorry they don't help ewith it.
I'm on same as you for seroquel, it really does help at itmes. The sleep has improved too. thank god.
See..there's so much good..I shouldnt be this way.
It all still feels a personal failing.
Thanks hun, that means alot. The only reason they are classified as pseudo is that I can cling onto the fact that they can't actually be real and the times when they overwhelm me and I end up in A&E, not knowing WTF is happening, it is put down as hysteria.
Seroquel has helped my sleep and my prn of it helps calm me but the voices don't go. I suppose indirectly it helps b/c if I am less stressed, they are less scary.
Why did they reclassify them?
Anyway, I am hijacking your thread here, sorry.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I don't mind a bit, I like talking to you..
I think because, well..the voice IS there, you know? They tried telling me it wasn't real, blah, blah, blah...so why do I hear it then?!
Why do I feel him?! See him?!
So, sorry, but it is real as far as I'm concerned. I dont cvare what they tell me anymore!
I was on chlorpromazine and seroquel at one point and it really helped. But they dion't like the chlor. cos its so old and cods of the risks of tardive dyskensia (sp?)..can't really remember name of it..biut I was fine on it...who knows.
Just golad for the seroquel cos it makes me sleep..maybe too much..but years of only a few hours, i figure im owed a few extra lol.
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