Worried I might be getting better.
Worried I may like smiling more.
Worried I won’t need you.
Worried I am feeling better.
Worried I have more energy.
Worried I didn’t do it.
Worried I don’t want to do it.
Worried I am living in a make believe world.
Could this really be happening to me?
Could I really NOT want to harm today?
Could I really be looking forward to next year?
Could I really NOT have a date set to die?
Could I really have no fresh wounds in over a month?
Could it be the meds working?
Could it be she has helped me?
Could I really be making progress?
DO I WANT THIS TO BE ME?
Yes.
IS THIS ME?
Pinch me, yes.
Am I scared?
YES.
Scared of letting go.
Scared of my living.
Scared I don’t have a plan anymore.
Scared I will like school.
Scared of my scars.
Scared to be liked.
Scared to be known.
Anxious about life.
Anticipating life.
LIVING LIFE.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Thanks you guys. Just kinda flowed with what was in my head.
Antsy about my meeting tomorrow (counsellor). Nervous about friday(psych)
I have a fear of getting better. I am not used to living with no chaos. I am surviving. I am breathing. I am not cutting. I am not punching. I am not burning.
I am making an effort for I have placed a goal (the only goal I have had as of late was my goal of death) of going to school. Doing something I enjoy. Something I can relate to. I was an EMT intermediate 16 years ago. Going back to recertify!
Looking forward to it being a good day...because I have the power to make it a good day.
Going to try to not hide a smile.
Going to try to look at her.
Going to be positive.
Going to give her the blades that have been hiding in my purse the past month.
Wearing a new slate blue suit I splurged on. Did my hair nice. Feeling worth something.
My husband starts a new job today. I told him I was excited for him.
He told me he was excited for me to with wanting to start school, getting a job promotion, as well as some other things.
I reread what I wrote... Romp you repeated it for me... I think I am going to adopt the line...
Looking forward to it being a good day...because I have the power to make it a good day.
Really learning to cope.
Really learning to have patience with self.
Really learning to live.
Really learning to be free.
Really learning to see the other side.
Really learning to enjoy.
Really learning it is not the only way.
Really learning to love myself.
Really learning to care about me.
Really learning that depression can flee.
Really learning that self harm controlled me not me controlling self harm.
Really learning that I make a difference in my own day.
Really learning.....REALLY?
Yes, my baby steps are now a stride.
I must detour around the boulders, but use those rocky moments to keep me focused, keep me real, keep me believing I can run free.
To take a deep breath and long for the next is a wonderful feeling.
To feel the sun on your face.
To see your own smile.
*sigh*
*smile*
*laugh*
I am in awe of this feeling I have not felt for many years. I sit and do not ask how long will it last, but soak it in, inhale its beauty and let it transform me.
Really learning to cope.
Really learning to have patience with self. Really learning to live. Really learning to be free. Really learning to see the other side.
Really learning to enjoy.
Really learning it is not the only way.
Really learning to love myself.
Really learning to care about me.
Really learning that depression can flee.
Really learning that self harm controlled me not me controlling self harm.
Really learning that I make a difference in my own day.
Really learning.....REALLY?
Yes, my baby steps are now a stride.
I must detour around the boulders, but use those rocky moments to keep me focused, keep me real, keep me believing I can run free.
To take a deep breath and long for the next is a wonderful feeling.
To feel the sun on your face.
To see your own smile.
*sigh*
*smile*
*laugh*
I am in awe of this feeling I have not felt for many years. I sit and do not ask how long will it last, but soak it in, inhale its beauty and let it transform me.
I love me,
Rain
^^ you are amazing FRainy...simply amazing...and incredibly strong and brave.
Im so so happy for you.
loads of love
xx
Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.
yeah, happy birthday to your daughter, and once again, well done you!
can i say enjoy the cake?
Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.
Happy Birthday to your daughter...I hope it was a great day for her and you too.
You ARE amazing FRainy.
You have worked sooo very hard to get here; you deserve this !
love ya
xx
