Triggering (SI/Suicide) - And the hits just keep on coming

~*forever_broken*~ · 30-10-2009, 01:44 AM

I'm sorry. I know I just made a thread yesterday and I could just add this to it but...

My Uncle died on Monday (massive heart attack, we were totally taken by surprise). My Grandma has congestive heart failure and kidney failure so the doctors gave her 'months'.

And today I lose my job. I'm not even really sure why. The guy who had to tell me goes to the same church as I do and he felt really bad. But the decision was made without him (though he is one of the partners). They other two said something about problems with errands and such... I really have no idea. Especially since no one ever said anything to me about how I was doing, how they felt about how I was doing.

Now, my friend from church told them that, if he was going to tell me today (Thursday) that I was not going to be made to come in tomorrow and that they were paying me for it anyway. He also got me two weeks pay (I guess you'd call it 'severance'). He was so helpful and he felt so bad. He said he'd let me know if he knew someplace that was hiring and to call him if I needed anything. He was really nice about it.

But I'm still without a job. And there's still the credit card bill to pay. A car payment. Health insurance. Meds. Doctors co-pay. Gas so I can drive to the next town (where my doctors office is). Cat food. Dog food (I just inherited my Grandmas dog). Everything that goes with that. And I'm sure I'm missing something.

I still get food stamps (I only worked there part time) so all I need to do there is let them know I no longer have a job and food should be OK. I live in government housing and if you are not working they won't make you pay rent (but I don't know how long that can last... I did it a few months before I got this job but...). They also give you a little help as far as electricity goes. So in these things I am better off than some.

But I'm still without a job. And I still have bills that need paid.

I want to cut so badly. Is this not a good reason? I've already been thinking about suicide what with all the family stuff. Surly they would look at the circumstances and understand... a little..?

Pomegranate · 30-10-2009, 02:15 AM

In short Allie.... No they wouldn't. Your death would be no easier for them to bear. Losing your job sucks and it isn't right that they are doing this to you but this, even coupled with your Grandma's illness and your Uncle's death is not a reason to kill yourself.

The guy that told you sounds really nice and helpful. The decision they have made is not fair and it will make money tight for a while but at least you will not have to worry about housing or food. I am sure you will be able to find another job. You said he had got you two weeks pay right? So use those two weeks and apply for every job going and then keep applying. You have those two weeks wages, use them to pay any urgent bills and try and economise with the food stamps (although to be fair I am not 100% sure what these are since we don't have them over here).

You WILL BE OK Allie. I know you will. I know you can get through this. You are the only person doubting yourself. Blows keep on coming but that doesn't mean we need to fall down.

*massive hugs* xxx

Mors Certa · 30-10-2009, 02:31 AM

I wish I had the words to make you feel better, to make the situations better, I wish I was there to hold you and tell you that this will pass. I have to do it from here, please hold on, you can get through this, you can make it.

Merc · 30-10-2009, 10:35 PM

Listen to Emma, she is absolutely right.
I'm sorry this has happened.
Keep going hun, you can make it thru.
Remember what Em said, "only you are doubting yourself right now"
We know you can do this...and we'll be here along the way
xx

~*forever_broken*~ · 02-11-2009, 11:12 PM

God, but guys, what if I want to fall down

I hate saying it especially since what Emma has said is very good advice (Emma, you are absolutely lovely, my across-the-pond-drinking-buddy

)... saying it feels somehow like I am ignoring what has been said or that I do not think it is worth listening to... and that's not it... it's just... God, I'm so tired. I feel awful. And the only thing I have to look forward to is my Grandmas death (joyous days *grr*). Even with my meds (which until now had been working great) I feel like I could easily slip back into the darkness of the Pit I inhabited not all that long ago. And in that darkness it becomes that much easier to hurt myself, to kill myself.

I was there once. I am starting to wish I had gone through with it then.

Lord what a rambling post, incoherent post.

Sorry.

Love you all

Pomegranate · 03-11-2009, 12:40 AM

You don't need to apologise hun and you are not ignoring us or saying what we have said is not worth listening to. You are continuing to fight and that shows a lot of strength.

There are bound to be blips and falls during recovery, especially when you are really stressed. Six months free is amazing. Keep going Allie. Just because you are feeling bad right now does not mean your meds have stopped working and it does not mean that you cannot go back to feeling better. This does not have to be the start of you going back into the darkness.

It's weird because we dread that feeling of being completely consumed by black, or darkness and yet at the same time there is something almost 'safe' about it, or at least that's how I occasionally feel. It doesn't mean we WANT to be ill. We just don't know if we have the energy to fight it anymore and it becomes really tempting to give in.

I'm sorry if this response makes no sense and is quite rambly lol.

*big hugs* You Are doing REALLY well Allie.

Lots of love xxx