and i thought that i was doing well untill last night when i was talking to one of the carers at the childerns home i am in. (the only carer i really trust) and she said that she dosent really think that the placement i am in is really sutable for me and that i need more support than they can give me. and i agree with her on that. i told her that when i leave here that it will destroy me. and i wouldnt be to supprised if i went to far with my self harm and suicidal tendancies. she said out of no where that, that is one of her concerns about when i leave that i will be on my own and no one will be there to help/stop me. thing is i know it will happen because i have it planned. witch is the worst part about it because i know what is going to happen. thing is this is my home and these people are my family. (wether they like it or not.) and at a drop of a hat my social worker can take that away from me. just thinking of not having these people around makes me suicidal and i hate it. i guess im scaird of being alone. and then i will have nothig i truly belive that "WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE" we discissed the lightly hood of being sectiond after i leave and i kind of got the impression this member of staff (like myself) belives there is a possibility of that. i guess i will have to wait and see. im sorry for going on but i needed to get it off my chest.
huggss would be apprisiated
i feel verry vulnerable
xxxxxxxxxxxx
I can't imagine how difficult it is for you as I was never in a home. I'm really glad you can talk to that carer though, please keep talking to them.
Maybe you and that carer can talk about this more and perhaps put into place plan(s) in the event you are moved or for when you move when you are older? It might make you feel better.
If you are having difficulties with sh and sui thoughts, make sure you tell the staff or anyone else in order to help keep you safe.
There should be a way to help you have safe transitions.
Take care!
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
she said i have alot to offer. but i dont think i do. i am a dtrong person apparently. but the voices are the one thats in control. i dont know how she sees in me what she said she dose. and i dont know why she fights so hard for me. because i wouldnt if i were her. but bless her she's persistant with me and i will never forget that.
Are you in school or college? Do you have an idea what you would like to do? I'm a solicitor (or rather was until my illness took hold) but what I really want to do is work with kids with mh problems - I have a nephew with adhd etc that I love to spend time with, which I suppose is a big part of the reason.
The voices are NOT in control. I can tell you that because I hear voices aswell and see things. They scare the living daylights out of me at times and at other times are just a bloody nuisance. They are incredibly difficult to deal with but they can't win because no matter how real they seem, they aren't. I'm old and ugly enough to know better but struggle with them (I'm 27).
She fights for you because there is something worth fighting for. If there wasn't that spark, that personality of yours, she wouldn't be fighting for you so hard.
Does your carer tell you what things you are good at or which aspects of you she likes?
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
i am in collage but havent been attending latley. for the simple fact i cant face it. but i guess im going to have to some time.
i know that the voices arnt in controll but neither am i. so i guess we bounce off each other lol. yeah at times they scair the living **** out of me and i dont understand why people arnt as scaird as me. but when im out of that space i know that there not scaired because its not real. which is scairy. i dont like that.
as for my carer. god knows why she dose it. but i know i wouldnt. i know we have a laugh and stuff but thats by the by. i guess shes one of thoes that if she sets her mind on something she will do her damndest do succeed. but i am thankfull.
yeah she ses i am good at poetry and stuff like that. (but so is every one if they put there mind to it) i dont know to be honest. i guess im over reacting about nothing.
I don't think you are over reacting, the situation you are in seems very stressful and I can't imagine how people cope when that happens. My best friend was in care when she was younger and it ripped her apart, she yeah, she found it extremely difficult. She felt alone like I assume you do to, but that doesn't mean things will be like that forever. Even if you do have to move out life can lead you to all different sorts of places that we don't imagine. My friends going to be having a baby soon and is getting married, I'm sure she didn't picture that a few years ago! Maybe you cuold speak with your social worker about your concerns of her just suddenly removing you from where you are living now, so that when the time does come that you have to leave it can be introduce slowly possibly. Like a phased transition. I hope that you manage to get back to college too, it's good to have things to focus on. Are you getting any other support?
sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.
i have my pshyc and am being referd to the early intervention pshycosis team. and staff at the home. but when it comes down to it i have my self and menfred (the guy thats apparently in my head) and ofcorse the few member of staff i get on with.lol yeah it is hard....the prodpect of being moved. im glad that your friend has come to accomplish something, mt social worker is little help (none reliable stuff like that) i dont think there will be an easy move at all. thank you for talking too me it is relly helping. i just feel so lost like nothing is worth the fight any more
I just wrote out a reply and the computer crashed, but what I was saying is that you don't know what the future entails or where you will be a few years down the life. It's a sad fact that your life is difficult at the moment but you have to be tough and try to pull through. I hope the EIT are able to help you and give you some support, they are working with me and said they would help me move into supported housing. Maybe this could be an option for you? Then you wouldn't be so along. The only constant in life is change, someone once told me that, and change is something that is hard to adapt to but yeah. Or there is the possibility maybe of moving to a foster placement? How old are you? Don't give up the battle. In a few years from now you might look back at this point in your life and think, wow things were extremely tough but I made it through and I'm a stronger person for that.
sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.
when i leave this home i will be put on semi-independance. so i will have some kind of support, but i need to get this off my chest once and for all. the reason i have these plans to end my life is because i will not be able to have any contact with this carer (kelly) and i cant face life with out her she has got me through so much and i just cant face my life with out her in it. i dont want to carry on. i know i am young and i have my whole life ahead of me as i am told on a regular basis. i have tryed suicide before and i will try it when i get out of here. the problem is that kelly dosent know just how much she means to me and i dont have the courage to tell her. or write to her for that matter. i just dont see any way out of this because i know i will have to leve some time. to answere your question i am 16.
FUCCCKKKKKK *crying histerically* the voices are doin my head in. he wants me to hurt myself i cant deal with this any more
*hugs* could you see her for a time after you leave? So it's not so dramatic of a change? Perhaps you could ask them about something like that. I'm sure you're not the only struggling with this.
Please don't hurt yourself. Remember other good people will come into your life just like your carer has now. Suicide isn't the answer. Hang in there. Feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk.
when i leave that is the end of contact with every one here. homes maniger has told me that already. i doubt any thing good will come from any of this apart from a quiet life for every one
Your situation sounds very difficult and must be very frightening also right now.It sounds also like you have trusted in this carer so much and built up a really good relationship - it is natural that you are worried about not seeing her when you leave, must be so hard.i think that it would be really good if you could talk to someone about this though and any other fears you have about leaving, being on your own etc.People should be aware this is a really tough time for you and be able to help you through [even if perhaps they arent aware how much your gonna miss your carer].i think you are really brave and hope when you leave other people will come into your life who you can trust too.Please know we are here for you and try to take care.Keep talking if it helps.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
I just wanted to really get this across to you, I was in a similar situation. I was in a theraputic community for a year. I had an amazing therapist there, at first I hated her. I thought that she was trying to use me to boost her ego but as time when by I learnt to trust her and she helped me immensely. Then she suddenly retired and my therapy was cut short. I had to start with a new therapist. I was devasted. The new therapist I didn't get along with. I was grieving, and lost a lot of weight and ended up going to the priory for a break, however, things did improve. I thought that I would never get over that loss as I was crying every day wishing that she would come back. I now have a new therapist, he isn't the same and I still miss my old one but I have learnt things from her and remember the good things from our relationship. It's sad in life that sometimes we meet people that we really care about or need that have to leave us, but sometimes they do have to BUT, when people leave, often new people enter our lives. Give yourself time to find another person who you can use to turn to. You won't be left all by yourself. You said you are being referred to the EIT, you might be able to form a really good bond with someone from there and find the support you need there. I don't mean to come out with this, but I assume being in a home means you don't really have parental figures. My mums schizophrenic and I think this meant that when my therapist left the loss was apmlified because she was like a mother to me, she told me at the end I was one of her good babies. Maybe it's something similar for you, like you need someone to fill that void. But you'll soon learn how to be independent, I'm learning that all the time. I hope that I haven't offended you in anyway. Death is a permanent answer to things that are temporary, because things do change. You really don't know whats going to happen in the future, and when you're feeling down and crap the future ends up looking that way too, but it doesn't mean things will turn out that way. Just give it a chance. Your a strong person.
sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.
im sorry i know it seems like im over reacting. i had a bad night last night the voices were so intence and i was crying for hours and he said if i realy want him to go away then i would really have to hurt myself. he goes away for a bit when i self harm but he's on about going permenatly and i think i know what he wants me to do. im scaird of him.
with regard to my carer i have been egnoring her for the past few days. in the hopes that i can pull myself away. but she thinks she has done something wrong because i am not talking to her as much. and i dont know what to say to her. thank you for all of your replies. lovess you all alot.
*hugs* sorry the voices are so bad. he's lying when he says he'll go away if you hurt yourself. that really won't help. have you tried medication for the voices? i know meds really helped me with my voices/paranoia.
could you maybe write a note to your carer, explaining you're trying to minimize the attachment you feel for her when you leave? i'm sure she'd understand and be totally supportive of you doing that. i think it's great you're trying to help yourself get through this.
yes i have tryed medication i am on 200mg quatiapein. for mpd/pshycosis and its not working the only medication that has worked is chlorpromazine. but they wont put me on that because it such an old drug with bad side affects that are irriversable. ive tryed writing to kelly (the carer) but i just dont know what to say. the voices are so bad. i had nothing to cut with yesterday and burnt all down my wrist. down the vain, it looks a right mess it made him go away for half hour but he said ill have to do a better job than that if i want him to go for good, but he praised me fir doing it in the right place, i sware this guy is gonna be the death of me
*hugs* you don't have to do what he says. i know it's hard though. could you tell your dr your meds aren't working so you can try something else? There's lots of anti-psychotics out there. you may not have found the right one yet.
