Triggering (SI) - How to explain scars to child? What do parents do?

quautia · 20-10-2009, 07:17 PM

My son is only small, but I'm concerned about how to deal with the "What are those marks" type questions when they arrive.

What do other parents do?

Hiding them doesn't feel right, it would be very awkward, and I don't want him to grow up thinking it is okay to be ashamed of your body.

Merc · 21-10-2009, 12:03 AM

I hid for quite awhile. She knew I was unwell due to IP and TC stays, but it was explained as 'depression', about all she would understand at the time.

Then when she was about 16, I talked to her. I kept it somewhat vague, in that I told what I was doing (hurting myself, and that I was 'ill') but no details and have told her repeatedly since that she can always bring up, it isn't a subject to be afraid of. Over the years, she asked questions, but now at almost 18 she knows (still no details and the worst ones i can cover with shorts so she doesn't see ones that are too bad) and is fine with it all.

I'd suggest keeping the info to a minimum and let them ask questions, they will ask what they want to know and not be 'overloaded'.

She's thanked me a few times for being open with it and letting her ask questions. I think the end result is going to be a child/adult with more understanding and compassion for ppl with MH issues, as she can relate to it to some extent.

I think you have a great attitude in nnot wanting him to be 'ashamed' of his body, etc. That is so very important.
Good luck

(ETA: don't know if any that will help as my daughter was older at the time)

ThinkingofRecovery · 21-10-2009, 12:18 AM

Do you mind me asking how old your son is? I ask as I have experience with kids (nieces and nephews) and their questions and their reactions.
xxx

Bellatrix · 21-10-2009, 12:26 AM

I'm training to be a pediatric nurse, and I've already come across a mother who self harmed who brought her child into hospital (I was on day placement). She told me (saw the few scars on my arm) that she explained to her daughter who was seven that she had an illness that made her hurt herself. She left it open for questions, but highlighted the fact it was an illness that made her do it, not a conscious choice.

Merc · 21-10-2009, 12:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MeaCulpa

I'm training to be a pediatric nurse, and I've already come across a mother who self harmed who brought her child into hospital (I was on day placement). She told me (saw the few scars on my arm) that she explained to her daughter who was seven that she had an illness that made her hurt herself. She left it open for questions, but highlighted the fact it was an illness that made her do it, not a conscious choice.

^^ That's a great way to explain it.

quautia · 21-10-2009, 02:45 PM

My son is only 6 months old, so I've got the toddler questions to deal with too. Thank you so much for your replies.

I wasn't planning to have children because of my mental health problems. LO was a wonderful suprise and I really want to do my best to help him grow up happy and healthy.

I'm also worried about him telling other people that 'Mummy has cuts on her arms'. My family and friends don't know that I self-harm, and I'd rather them not know if possible.

Merc · 21-10-2009, 04:11 PM

It's good you have time to figure out how you handle it. You may find he will just see them as 'part of mom' if you get what I mean? That he may not really question right away as he will be 'used to' seeing them.
When you do talk to him, you could always let him know that it is something to talk about, but just with you, not everybody.
Good luck.

Bitter_Angel · 21-10-2009, 11:56 PM

I bet he dosnt really notice till he is about 5ish.
My niece who was 8 at the time, saw my arms. (there not bad, just a few fairly thick ones) and asked me and I used the cat excuse. It works fairly well with young naive kids if you dont want to explain untill they are a bit older. But as hte others said, I would just go with the I was ill thing.

zivalover16 · 22-10-2009, 03:47 PM

I am not a parents but have thought of this question many times as I want to be one. He may not ask til he's a bit older. I have an Aunt who I call mostly when I'm upset and she has 3 small children. The oldest one (she was 8 or 9 at the time) asked why she couldn't talk to me when I called (as I said it was when I was upset and had to talk to her about the cutting). She told her that it was because I was really sad. Then my cousin slept over and ask why I took my antidepressant. I told her it helped not to be so sad and to be happy. SHe took. I know it's not the same as her asking about the scars (still waiting for that) but yea.

[Awakening] · 29-10-2009, 07:04 PM

I think children accept what they see as normal until a certain age. My son is 2 and he's never mentioned anything (but then my scars are quite faded). I want to be honest with him when he is older because i think thats an important aspect of parenting and i think its great that u are thinking about this so early on. I think i will just play it by ear. When he asks i'll try to honest with him but i worry that he may decide to follow my lead and use it as a coping mechanism too. Im not sure if u'd thought about that?

"she explained to her daughter who was seven that she had an illness that made her hurt herself. She left it open for questions, but highlighted the fact it was an illness that made her do it, not a conscious choice."

I love this ^