Triggering (SI/ED) - Make it go away..

[Eli-Beth]

I have no idea how to deal with stress. Or anxiety. Or insecurity. Perhaps that is why I cut. I feel so ashamed. I'm in my third year of university and I am getting grades in the 80%'s..yet I cut and burn my skin, I make myself sick or take laxatives after eating, I stay in bed all morning because I can't face the world or myself...

I feel so stupid and inadequate when I have to hide in the school bathrooms because of my anxiety or I get nervous catching the bus because people will see me. I think that it might be my weight. I have lately been gaining a lot and been overeating. I was underweight at one point in my life and now I constantly compare my current self to my ideal self and ideal weight. I look back and I was happy being underweight. I was thin, I was fun and outgoing, I was going clothes shopping with friends, I was TALKING to friends. I don't do any of that now. I have no friends. I don't fit into any of my old clothes and only wear 2 pairs of jeans because I'm too afraid and reluctant to buy a bigger size. I'm tired all the time. I have no motivation for anything, not even school which I once loved and was my escape. I'm so scared and I feel that I will never be able to lose weight again and I'll be stuck like this.

Recently I've been cutting more. I have the most amazing partner and he is so supportive of everything and he knows about my past and my secrets. I'm just so afraid of hurting him or losing him because of this. I told him I threw out my tools and that I was trying, when I just cut myself worse and try to hide it more. I feel sick that I'm betraying him and then I feel guilty and scared that he will leave. I know I hold him back from doing things and that he is upset that I sleep all the time and don't want to go out. I was going to end our relationship because I felt too guilty and I promised myself years ago that I would never hurt anyone because of my own problems, yet here I am, hurting the one I love so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I don't know how to stop. One part of me wants it to get worse, so that I will stop eating and purge and be thin again, and be happy.. The other part of me is shamed, scared, alone and nervous and just wants to break down..I don't know what to do... If I fail school because of this I have nothing else to do, and if I lose my partner or hurt him I have nothing else left...

[Sigma]

*hugs* i know how it feels to be so out of control - perhaps talking to someone would help? is there a counselling service at uni?