Loosing my mind... I seriously am.
My boyfriends on the phone banging his head against a wall.
And im sitting here in tears because i feel like im falling to pieces.He doesnt even call me to see how im doing, even though ive been self harming daily for the past week. he calls to tell me his going insane. and i cant keep putting on this big front just so i can take care of him. Ive only been with him 7-8 weeks and so much has happened.
We got together on rather awkward terms, and things havent been easy from day one.
He got me back onto drugs,
and i had to make him stop so that i wasnt influenced anymore.
His talking about marriage and kids & im like... WOAH!!! you cant even see when im hurt let alone anything else.
His tried to kill himself so many times... and it is killing me.
He wanted sex the other day, and i had to push him off me after saying no like 7 times. I feel no emotion except pain and hatred.
I self harm, and think about killing myself daily. I have no one to run to physically who would hold me until i fell asleep anymore.
And i feel like curling up into a ball. Im just so lost. But i cant fall to pieces because i have to stand strong for my boyfriend. But i dont think i can anymore. His a mess and im a mess. and it is killing me.
I went through a mental break down a month before i got with this guy, because my ex boyfriend really hurt me. and i wasnt eating, i barely got out of bed. My best friend had to dry me when i got out of the bath. Everyone was monitoring me incase i tried to OD.
I just dont feel right anymore. I see CAMHS << Counselling system. and they dont help at all. They put me on some medication, but they really dont help.
I just dont know what to do. Im so scarred of myself. and scarred for my boyfriend.
I'm flying away & leaving the pain behind...
just promise me heavens still wants me,
and that i'll be beautiful when i saw past the cloud break.
I know Your right, But i just cant do it to him. I know he needs me and i dont know if i could cope without him. I know Its not a healthy relationship, but i really do think alot of him, and i care about him so much ! x.x
I'm flying away & leaving the pain behind...
just promise me heavens still wants me,
and that i'll be beautiful when i saw past the cloud break.
Your boyfriend is not your responsibility, he needs to help himself out here - and it is possible, he can be okay, and so can you. But the really big question here is, can you both be okay whilst you are together? I think you need to think a lot about that. He's obviously got himself into a mess and it looks like he's turning to you to share this self-destructiveness with and to get you to look after him. But what if you need to conserve that energy to look after yourself right now? How can you look after yourself when all that energy has to go on him?
Maybe you could try talking to CAMHS about this and also telling them that you need more support at the moment?
I'm really sorry things are so difficult with your boyfriend right now. But, I'm not sure how much good it is doing either of you, being together? There is no reason why you can't be friends, if thats what you both want, but it really sounds like the relationship is only doing you harm.
I'm sorry CAMHS aren't helping - they can be useful if you find the right therapist though. Perhaps you can look into changing?
I feel your pain and empathize completely. That said, you aren't your boyfriends babysitter. He is controlling you with fear, and add drugs into the mix of strong emotions, and you have a recipe for disaster.
I hate to say it, but in my OPINION you need to let him go......hie emotional baggage is more than you can bear, and it's not your job to protect, enable, or suffer the abuse of what amounts to the EQUAL of physical abuse....MENTAL abuse....look at the state you are in, because of protecting HIS "fragile" sanity.
You deserve to have peace and be happy....if you were to ask me....i'd say kick him to the curb, and find someone who truly loves you, if the current BF loved you, he wouldn't put you through this.....remember this: YOU CANNOT SAVE HIM......he has to save himself first, relationships are mutual....you need someone who will treat you as a proper lady, and be respectful of your feelings, and needs.
That's the best i can get for you, and i speak from experience, i lost my wife to my selfish, blind addictions.
Sever all ties, and persue a healthy, mentally stable, and mutually supportive relationship.
it'sonlyblood, thank you especially for your comment. it really has helped alot. i just dont know if i can. Im petrified he'll do something silly. Im going to speak with him tomorrow after college and hopefully he'll be okay :(
xxx
I'm flying away & leaving the pain behind...
just promise me heavens still wants me,
and that i'll be beautiful when i saw past the cloud break.
