So here I am sitting in a clinic once again. I can't believe I let things get so bad that I overdosed. I feel so stupid, thank goodness for friends. I have been here for just under 2 weeks now and it feels like all the wounds have been opened and scratched at. I wanted to cut so bad or just do something to numb the emotional pain I was feeling. They think I might have an underlying Bipolar Disorder, add that to my Borderline Personality Disorder and being an Addict and I feel like such a screwup. I really feel quite hopeless like what is the point. I've been here before and worked so hard on my recovery but all in 1 second it just disappears. Will I ever be normal. I feel like a walking pharmacist with all the medication I am on and still I cannot seem to sleep. Why, why won't it get better, why can't I lead a normal life. My parents are so angry with me 'cause I am "not fine" so I don't fit into their picture perfect little family. All this really sucks, I don't even feel safe going home because I know I will just do it again. Does anyone else out there ever feel like this? Am I alone?
Freedom from addiction, freedom from pain. The suffering is worth the life I live now.
You aren't alone at all.
I have bipolar and borderline too. What was it that drove you to take the OD?
I wouldn't worry too much about what your family think, the main importance is you getting better.
I think you should talk to your doctor about the trouble you are having sleeping as that will effect everything else adversely.
You are not a screw up at all, you are just struggling and that isn't your fault. You are up against a lot.
I totally get how you feel. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It might not be tomorrow, but sometime in the future you WILL feel better than you do now. I was in a very dark place and in and out of hospital and self harming everday. And now I've been out of hospital for a year and a half and doing considerably better. I never thought it would happen but it has. Yes it's been a struggle and a lot of hard work, but it does pay off.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I understand how you feel. Sometimes I think, why me? But it doesn't mean you're not normal. What is normal? I don't know. I have bipolar, so does mom, so did grandma. But remember, it is not who you are. It does not define you. There is hope. It does take time, though. Things would be so much easier if it just came to you, but it doesn't. But that's what makes you a strong person. When you put up a fight. Take care of yourself. x
Thanks for all the messages guys, it's nice to know that others feel and struggle with the same things. I guess I OD'd because I just didn't want to feel alone and empty anymore and was tired of trying to hide it all, it became to much. Well things did go better today did alot of thinking. I have one more week before they will let me go home so going to give it my all.
Freedom from addiction, freedom from pain. The suffering is worth the life I live now.
Sorry to hear you are feeling so sh*tty.
But it sounds like you are doing pretty well with working to get better, getting treatment, etc. So congratulations on that.
I've been in hospital more times I can count on my fingers and toes, my disorder is one I will need long-term treatment for, and even though when I go into hospital again I remind myself, that even though I'm feeling SO crappy, feel like I'm a failure and nothing will improve, I try and look back at the last time I was in, how I was then, and look at the improvements, even the tiny ones, or the differences in things that I'm working on.
Just 'cause you are in hospital, doesn't mean you are all the way back where you started, you have moved forward, you just need a burst of intensive support again.
It might be good that they've found you have underlying Bi-Polar, that means they can put you on some Bi-Polar specific meds that can help with your symptoms.
I hope the last week of your inpatient stay goes well and you manage to keep yourself safe and free of self harm.
*thinking of you and sending you warmth and positive vibes*
Ashton
I'm sorry to hear that things are not so good at the moment. I'm glad you are in a place that you can try to get some help though. I feel like I'm never going to be normal too. I just try my best every day to live one moment at a time and make each moment the best I can. It's a lot easier for me that way. Try to stay safe, things do get better in time.
"If you don't stand for something in your life, then you will fall for anything"
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?
