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Triggering (SI) - just a rant...
it's such a relief to be back on here i was staying with friends and had no internet it was so strange.
everything just sucks at the moment. i did something really stupid and now none of my friends want anything to do with me, except the ones that live accross the country or away. the people i was staying with kicked me out, and the bank's foreclosing on our house so me and mum are in this little house in the middle of nowhere. she's ok cause she's at college but i have nothing to do with myself except wallow in the sh*t that is my life. i cut for the first time in ages on tuesday because i felt so horrible and worthless and alone. i want to cut again the only thing thats stopping me is my job - i do promotions and covering up isn't really an option.
i broke up with my boyfriend and i know it was the right thing to do but i still feel so lonely and want someone to look after me. my asshole of a father emailed me and started telling me how he went to see a professor of psychology who told him its common for children of divorced parents to have problems, so its my fault we dont have a relationship, even though he got into the house and broke down my bedroom door trying to attack me just a couple of months ago. anyway now he's 'willing to accept an apology from me' and is prepared to try and have a relationship. ugh.
i feel sick. i feel like all my life ive just been used by men. it's like they think it's their right. even when i went to amsterdam with my friends last month, the guy on night duty at the reception in the hotel took me into this room when i wanted to buy a bottle of water, and he started kissing me and grabbing me and i literally had to run up to the room and push the bed up against the door. i didnt sleep the whole night. but even when things like that happen i still end up sleeping with people i shouldn't and using men myself. it's like im so twisted im just trying to take control.
my ADs aren't working i feel like **** every day. im just lost.
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