I am still waiting for that cure that I was promised. The one that would be delivered by time. I fear I shall be waiting for the rest of my life.
"You'll feel better in time" "Time heals all wounds" Time has forgotten me.
For even still my heart aches for him.
Right at this moment he would have been preparing himself. Sorting out what he needed to orchestrate his death. Right at this moment I would have been sitting in my room, crying, fearing that he was going to do something, but foolishly clinging to the hope that my worse fear could never come to pass.
A mistake that cost me the one thing I held dearest to me.
In about 11 hours I will find his corpse. I will run into his house, and find him sitting there. I will reveal his face, and I will collapse on the ground and scream, over and over. The temporary madness of absolute horror will consume me. Then it will suddenly stop. And I run to the phone. "He's dead, he's dead" I knew it. The moment I saw his face. He didn't look at peace. He didn't look asleep.
The lady will ask if I've checked for signs of life. I knew the truth already, but I wanted her to be right. This woman who was removed from it all. Who had no idea. So I will run back down, grasp his ankles and pull him to the floor. He doesn't move. He stays in the same sitting position. The white pink foam that haunts me the most runs out of his mouth. He's dead. And there's nothing I can do.
And I fall. I fall deep within myself. I fall and fall, deeper than I thought possible. I text my uncle. "Williams dead. Will be home late" I robotically answer the questions the police ask. I need to wash my hands. His death is on me. I can feel it. I can smell it. The neighbours are walking up the street. They heard me screaming. They let me use their bathroom.
There's no comfort. My friend tries to hold me, to comfort me, but I am still. Frozen. Too deep within myself for anyone to reach. I just sit and stare. I can't close my eyes because I see him. I can't think because I remember.
This time exactly, he would be preparing to end his life. I wonder if he knew how much of mine he would take with him.
No matter how much you love someone, they will leave you in the end.
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Always
I can feel you.. against my skin,
I feel you...
Like the poison seeping into
Into my veins, numb with the pain
Sick and guilty
Is The sadness you've given to me...
I can feel you... Always...
I will learn too late
It's too late.. to change
It is too late..
Still these strange frustration stains
Burn my skin when nobody needs me....
This sadness.. Forced to feel
Like poison, I'll never heal
I will learn too late
It's too late.. to change
It is too late..
Still these strange frustration stains
Burn my skin when nobody needs me....
It's always, you're always
I'm always and I
I need you always.. I need you always
It's always, you're always,
I'm always and I
I'm always... Always...
Always...
I am with you always
I am with you always
I am with you always
I am with you always
Erin if you dont get this sorted its gonna jkeep haunting you over and over. stop running from it. Get help. Get therapy. For the love of god get this sorted!
yeah yeah the last lady wasnt that great. Well you find another and another. you stay in a very easy comfort zone. you allow the boundaries to be set so you dont tread into that uncomfortable zone where shift happens.
Take a plunge. Take a risk and do something to confront this head on. stop running and diverting!
doesnt matter how many miles you travel its still there.
No one shouildhave these nightmares. No one should suffer this. Yet you belittle your own needs. say its ok and then look what happens over and over.
I was really cross you stopped before. Really cross!
Such a simple dream. He was there as he should be now. And he just held me by the water. No words, just that comforting hug. And in his arms I was content and peaceful. Waking can be so cruel. Perhaps one day, I wont wake, and we will be together. That day would shine golden.
In many years from now perhaps that dream will be true, but Erin you have alife, i kno0w its hard but live it to its full extent. Getthe help you need to move on from this and find happiness.
There is no happiness. No hope. Only despair. It's always there. It always has been. The darkness. The sadness. It was always part of me. Now, it's taking over. Taking hold of all of me. Showing me the truth. I am alone. I am unloved. I will always be alone and unloved. I am a failure. Even my best, my hardest efforts, are pointless. There is no life here. Only suffering. Only betrayal. Only abandonment. No reason to exist. No reason to go on. No strength to fight.
Erin you might feel that there is no one there right now, but there is. Let people around you know you are sturggling. Seek professional help and get this sorted once and for all.
There is no one around me to let know. Professional help is out of my price range. Actually, decent food is out of my price range at the moment. Who knows how long I will have a job for. Nothing is working out. Everything is just letting me down. I just needed one break to counteract the ****ing over I've had since I've been here and it hasn't come. Now I am without hope. Things will always get worse and worse. I'm losing the will to go on.
I thought you had made friends over here now?
Apprently there are free services about that offer counselling, the links for which escape me right now. Perhaps you could google it an see if you can find some in london, im pretty sure there will be. That might be means tested servces or, you are still entitled to use support servces that are about for people who have lost loved ones to suicide. I think this would be really good for you as you could potential meet people who will have more uinderstanding of your situation as well as getting support.
Erin dont give up, you have so much to live for. your such a nice bubbly person that has so much to give the world if only you could get started.
oh erin, I wish I could hold you, make this all go away, help to disolve your pain, you don't deserve this hun, you truly deserve to be happy, you helped me so much when i was struggling badly how i wish i could do the same for you, keep holiding on hun,
tell you what, when i get back to england I'll come n hold your hand if you want
