I've been a self harmer for many years now. Two years ago, I told myself that enough was enough - and I truly intended to stop.
As you can see by my being here, this didn't come to fruition.
My life isn't bad. I'll begin by explaining that. I'm happy, really. I've just begun university. I have a good home life, although its somewhat lonely, and I have plans for my future. I'm young, averagely pretty, and optimistic most of the time.
But an experience at school truly scarred me, and it was that which caused me to begin self harming. I found something calming in it, in the midst of this nightmare situation at school.
What I don't understand, is why I still desperately crave self harm, when those years are far behind me and my life is moving on. It marked me in other ways. I suffer from paranoia. I constantly believe that people dislike me, or that I'm about to lose everything I treasure. I fear being alone more than anything else in this world.
And I do know that I have as good a chance as anybody else, and that there's nothing to stop me enjoying life as anybody else would. But sometimes the fear of finding myself in a situation like those school years pushes me to crave self harm.
I do tell myself not to.
Other people "have it worse." Theres nothing really wrong which could justify self injury. You're just having another panic attack.
But I never seem to tell myself with enough force.
I begin wondering why it's wrong to 'indulge' in self injury, when I keep it moderate, and do not alarm others by allowing it to be seen.
It feels like a dirty little secret, and I desperately want to share it now.
I would also like a little nudge, to remind me why I should not do it, and why I have every reason under the sun to go on smiling.
I don't want self harm to shadow my path for the rest of my life. I want closure with it.
Tbh, I feel quite the same way you do Fidel. I'm 23 now, but I could have gone to uni when I was 18, or rather I did - I just couldn' hack it.
Back then I wasn't fat, I was inteliigent, I had met new friends, I had no debt, I had good friends, I had family support and I have no idea, just why the hell I wasn't happy...
6 years on from then and I just still don't know why, maybe I was just made this way, which makes it all the harder, particularly when you can't justify why you feel down. I lost a clos frend when I was 12, all my grandparents had died...but I don't think that is what caused it all, I don't think that I will ever know, I think sometimes it just comes upon us.
What I'd say is try andtackle the issue of self harm, head on. Who have you spoken to for support? Are you receiving any treatment at the moment? You might need support, but please do not think that you have a dirty little secret or that it is anything to be ashamed of, because we each struggle with things, and this is just you way of coping with things....
Its good that you have started uni? Have you met any new friends, which might help make you feel less alone?
Good luck xXx
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I haven't had any s.i. support, no, but in a way I don't feel that I need it. I self harm somewhat frequently, but not badly. I spoke to a counsellor once, although I didn't tell her about it. She helped me come to terms with that experience at school, and I thought that my self harming would cease after that. I simply don't understand why it's the first thing I want to do when I get scared, or unhappy. It feels like a cigarette craving.
I am happy here at uni, I think. I've made friends - my flatmates are great - and we go out a lot, although I don't quite feel as if I've found my place. But there's plenty of time, I know I can't expect it all to fall into place within two weeks.
I expect that my desire to self harm has arisen because I'm a little homesick, and I'm in strange surroundings. It is probably nothing more.
Whatever the reason, it helps to talk about it. So, thank you.
I have to say that you explained yourself really well in your post. I totally understand where you are coming from, especially about the dirty little secret and wanting to tell someone. I had to tell someone eventually because i felt like i was lying to the world about me. i felt like i was a hypocrite or a fraud because i have this outwardly "normal" and well-balanced personality. but inside i have a freakin circus with evil clowns. ew...i hate clowns.
so what i am saying is....tell someone if you think it will make you feel better about it.
i have gone thru periods of no self harm for like years and then started again. then stopped and then started. it ebbs and flows for me. right now i am not self-harming. its been a few months. which is great. i don't focus on how long cuz then i get more fixated on it. i do have really intense urges to harm when things get hairy. but...somehow i have learned to cope a bit better and i don't need to.
you don't have to self harm to feel better. actually. it feels better to get thru a situation without depending on self-harm. but i do relate to missing it. its a very unique feeling for me. that i haven't been able to re-create with other substitutes.
anyway....sorry for the long winded reply. i just could so relate to you.
i hope things get easier.
