Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I think my Mum nearly had a mental breakdown last night
I don't really know what I want from this tbh. A hug? Idk. I just needed to rant to people who understood =/
I was getting ready to go to bed last night when Dad called me into his bedroom in a hell of a mood. So I went in and he said to me "I'm not going to get your mum to bed tonight. Listen to her" she was downstairs sobbing her eyes out, freaking terrified. I've never seen her in such a state in my life.
But anyway. He said to me "We're convinced you're self harming again" I didn't deny it. He asked how long ago it was that I last self harmed. I told him about a week. It's been 2 or 3 days. He told me that it had to stop and he wanted to know what I'd been telling my psych. I didn't want to tell him so I said that it was confidential and that I was going to see Mum. He ordered me to sit down again and I refused, which annoyed him even more.
Eventually I went to see Mum, who really was in a state. I tried to calm her down but she cowered away from me and said "No, I don't want to see, I don't want to see blood, please, no" and stuff like that over and over again. I calmed her down eventually, the way I know works when my friends get worked up. Dad went out for a walk without saying where he was going. I rang him and he said he couldn't cope and was going for a walk. Mum got terrified that he would leave her. So she rang him and he came home. He sat on the floor and started crying too.
Having calmed mum down, I went to calm him down. He was freaked. He said that his family was falling apart and that he'd tried to be strong for us but he couldn't be and that he was weak. I eventually calmed him down too. I got them both together and we had a family hug. They told me to let it out so I did. I've never cried so long ever. Then I fell asleep on mum. I was pretty drained.
Dad wanted to take mum to A&E for an emergency Psychiatric assessment, but she refused. She told me that she had too much work to do to be put in hospital and I said that her health had to come first. She didn't reply.
My family began falling apart last night. My Mum had a breakdown. My Dad was pretty close. And it's All My Fucking Fault.
*hugs* sorry things are tough for you hunnni. i really wish i had better words for you. do you think maybe you could ask your psych about a family session to sort through a few things? i know they are hard (and i hate them) but sometimes they are helpful.....
feel free to pm me if you wanna talk. ill do my best :)
hang in there hunni. and its not your fault. sometimes people just dont know how to deal with things. and it can make us feel like its our fault when its not....
"you never know how strong you are untill being strong is the only choice you have"
lozstar88 your my lopbelly night owl. CrashQueenyour beautiful and amazing like the vodka that stops the jelly from tasting funny :p
My psych asked me about family sessions, I think they might help but I'm not sure if my parents would want to... they're the sort of people that don't like other people intervening in their life.
When my psych asked my parents to come to a meeting to tell them what'd been going on recently, my parents moved it because they said "CAMHS can't rule our lives. We have work as well" which really got to me...
Yesterday my mum said to me when I was trying to calm her down "If I didn't have you, I think I'd kill myself". She cares, I can see that she cares, but she doesn't know what to do, which scares her. It scared me that she'd even considered that thought. I know it's hypocritical because that's how I've been feeling, but that thought freaked me.
aww hunni *hugs* you havent ruined their lives.
could you maybe talk to your mum and see what she says about a family session? it is scary when people say that sorta stuff to you especially someone from your family...
sorry i wish i had more words for u
"you never know how strong you are untill being strong is the only choice you have"
lozstar88 your my lopbelly night owl. CrashQueenyour beautiful and amazing like the vodka that stops the jelly from tasting funny :p
I want to talk to my mum about it, but I'm scared that she'll get hysterical again, like she did last night.
I feel like I ruined their lives. Dad broke down yesterday, saying he was weak and couldn't cope and that his family was falling apart. He nearly took mum to A&E for an emergency psychiatric assessment because she was in such a bad way. They've never been like this before. My friends help me, but I know I affect them badly. I feel like such a twat.
I don't really know what to say apart from that I think your mum is already stressed out with her work and that none of this is fault of yours. It could have been anything that pushed her over the edge. Try not to feel guilty, all families go through hard times but it doesn't mean you are going to fall apart. I think from what you've said that you will all be able to pull together and get through this.
I know last night must of been horrific for all of you but crying like that and getting hysterical was probably good for all of you to do in front of each other rather than hiding things away.
It will bring you closer together in the end. Reassure your mum and dad that you are going to get better and stop hurting yourself. Because you are going to get through this and out the other side. I know it, even if you don't feel like it's true.
If your mum is reluctant to go into hospital then perhaps she should be encouraged to take some time off work as a compromise, it certainly seems like she could do with the break.
Try to be honest and tell your parents as much as you feel able. They obviously care very much and it will give them a chance to get to know what's going on with you. Though I know being open is incredibly difficult.
(cuddles)
I'm always always here if you need to talk about anything. And don't ever worry about effecting me badly. I was a mess to start with! Only joking, I just mean I can handle it so you musn't feel guilty.
Last night I told mum and dad that I wouldn't cut. I wanted to, but I didn't because I knew how badly it had affected them, mum in particular. I want to stop hurting myself, but it's such an effective coping method that I don't feel ready to, even though my parents want to.
Mum wouldn't be willing to take time off work. She'd argue against every point I came up with for why she should and she just wouldn't accept it. I know she needs the break, you know she needs the break. She probably does, but she just won't accept it.
I tried to be open about it, but when I did it just made them cry, or get angry, or both. There's no way to win. I told dad a white lie. I told him it had been about a week since I last harmed, but in fact it was just a few days. But I still admitted that I had harmed.
It's good that you fell asleep with your mum, the contact probably did you both good and it's also good to bond with your mum when your both going through so much. It'll help. That in itself shows that the family isn't falling apart as much as it might seem. But people say things that are a lot more dramatic than the truth of the situation when they are worked up.
When your parents react angry or upset with you for opening up maybe you should remind them that they seem to want to know what's going on, but it makes it difficult for you to want to say anything when they react so emotionally. Reassure them maybe, that it isn't as bad as it seems. You're a lot more familiar with SH than they are which is probably why they freak out.
It's okay that you lied to your dad, I usually add a bit of time onto the answer when I'm asked things like that too. It's automatic. The main thing is you said you did it at all.
Is your mum a workaholic? That might be a stupid question, it would be better if she had a break now rather than got to the point where she had no choice. It's difficult trying to advise parents about things when they are meant to be the authoritative figure.
I know that it's a coping strategy that works for you but I think the main thing is to try and work your way out of the mindset that you deserve to be punished at all, with the help of others.
Maybe take time out each day to tell yourself something positive about yourself. Save things that people say on msn and via text etc that's positive if you find it hard to believe yourself.
You're a very special person, people get upset because you are and because they care - none of us want to see you hurting yourself anymore.
I don't think she's a workaholic as such, but she loves the work that she does. She's self employed and has a lot of work right now.
Sometimes I don't see that there is any positivity to think about. I struggle to believe people who tell me positive things because I've had it almost engrained into my head that I'm not good, etc.
I want to tell my parents a lot, but last night it was up to me to calm both parents down. I'm 16, shouldn't it be the other way round? I know how to calm people down, I've done it before, but never to my parents, and never to anyone as hysterical as that. I was screaming inside, but I had to hold it in to help them.
It should definitely be the other way round, whatever age you are, they are your parents. Not you theirs. I think they took it pretty badly to be honest but everyone is different, they will calm down in time hopefully and perhaps manage to be a bit more logical if possible.
I understand about a poor opinion of yourself being ingrained into you, I think I'm the same and am working on core negative beliefs with my psychologist like I think I mentioned to you.
They can be turned around, if positive thoughts are forced enough times they can make the negative ones less prominent and eventually go away. I would hope anyway.
I've found that I can believe what other people say which is positive otherwise it means that I don't believe in what they say which IMO is insulting.
People who say nasty things about other people are often doing so because they feel rubbish about themselves, so if they put someone else down then it makes them feel better. If they were totally confident in themselves they'd feel no need to do it.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Today me and my parents have had a lot of laughs (mostly about innuendos) which I guess is a good thing.
I believe you, I know that positive thoughts can make negative ones less prominent, and sometimes I believe what I and other people say to me, but then there are the days, like today, where I feel shite enough that not much can improve my mood.
Innuendos are always a good thing [I'd never be able to joke about innuendos with my mum, so I tell you instead ] I'm glad you have been able to have a laugh with your mum. Seems like she is feeling better too, maybe the outburst helped her as a release.
I know that sometimes a mood is so bad that nothing can shift it, sometimes you just have to ride through it the best you can and let it pass naturally. Remembering that it will indeed pass.
Yeah. I think last night was good, in some ways. I haven't cried that hard in a very long time, and having mum there with her arms round me really helped me. They said to let it out, so I did. Oh god I did.
The moods... yeah, they always pass, eventually. But then a new day comes and they start all over again
Yeah it's good that you didn't have to be alone when you were upset, it makes all the difference when you are being looked after when you're sad. Maybe you should go to your mum in future when you feel upset, having someone there in person would be better as you would have her to talk to as well if you needed to.
Have you noticed anything about the pattern of your moods?
Maybe writing down the times that they occur would be good, to show the psychiatrist or even just for yourself to try and work out what sets them off if it isn't obvious. It could be that you haven't eaten or slept enough, maybe you're stressed or have something on your mind that you aren't consciously thinking of. It could help you to work out what you can do to avoid the lows.
I'm glad that Charlii is helping you. It's great that you have her. It's silly to expect much change with your eating but you probably know already that not eating enough alone will have a detrimental effect on your mood, which might encourage you to want to make a point of eating - it might not.
If you know that your mood drops around 9 then maybe you should preempt it by becoming involved in something you know makes you happy at about quarter to 9.
It might be partially due to tiredness.
I'm glad that she is able to keep your mood up, it won't work every time if your mood is bad enough in the first place but it's good that it does some of the time.
I'm really really glad to hear that you have been trying with your eating, whether you are managing yet or not is beside the point - the fact that you want to is a huge step.
[I'd never be able to joke about innuendos with my mum, so I tell you instead 
] I'm glad you have been able to have a laugh with your mum. Seems like she is feeling better too, maybe the outburst helped her as a release. 