Triggering (SI) - Upset, ashamed, scared, yet hopeful.

[Fathoms Below]

I moved to cutting last night. Usually I just messed with old wounds, but I couldn't handle my mom's comments.

I have been TRYING to be honest with her about all the bandaids and excuses. When she told me family was asking about them, I said "I do that when I am upset." She said "I know. You always have. I told them you are like those girls who pick at themselves when they are bored or want attention." I was too shocked to say anything more, especially since she is a nurse and should know better.

A few days later I told her I am depressed. She thinks it is because I can't get a teaching job and the guy I'm in love with isn't around much. Partially true, but it is much more than that. I mentioned that my college is just now opening a free counseling service twice a week. Mom got all upset, started saying they will release information that I talked to them (not what I said) to the public or employers, that it is a waste of time, that all I need to do is get a better job, lose weight, and get a new boyfriend and I'll be happy again. I told her again it's free. She said fine, if I wanted.

Fast forward to last night. I casually mention that my friend is getting theraphy at a local clinic for very cheap, income based. Mom got upset again, and ranted for a long time about how that stuff is bulls*** and her professors in school laughed with her about how pathetic it is. That is is theatrical, oh poor me I am so sad. Then she may as well have stabbed me in the heart...and said "I will lose respect in you if you see a therapist."

Wow. I let her rant, didn't say a word because I was too hurt, but didn't hide my tears. I guess I won't be telling her that I have an appointment Tuesday with that free counselor and that guy who hasn't been around much is helping me disguise it as a lunch date. And she wonders why I hide things from her! I was so hurt, and felt so invalidated, that I escaped to the bathroom and grabbed my razor. At least I didn't do anything deep, just a lot of superficial cuts on my leg

The guy I love is disappointed and hurt, he had just told me the day before that he was proud of me for resisting the urge to move on to cutting. I feel I let him down, and that kills me. The two of us have made a deal that if I can go a week without any SI, he will accompany me to a local theatre awards show. It will be hard, but I want him there so badly.

Thanks for letting me vent. It doesn't make it easier to fight when I am 24 and stuck living at home until the teaching field stops spitting on me.

[Merc]

i hope you kept the appt.
how diod it go?
i think from now on, dotn tell her. Her attitude is horrioble and is of no help to you (obviously).
Pls dont lety her stop you from getting help
goosd luck
lety us know how it went ok?

[Sleepless123]

Hi i am sorry that i am so slow replying to this.

im also sorry that your feeling so bad.

Well done for talking to your Mum.

im sorry that she wasnt very supportive.That must of really hurt.

Can you talk to her or perhaps write her a letter about how she made you feel?

Or get your boyfriend to talk to her to try and make her see you really need her support right now?

Or i was gonna say perhaps try and get her some information on Depression etc but if shes already a nurse....maybe not.

i just think its really sad that she sees it like that and must make things so difficult for you but i guess like many people if she hasnt been there maybe its hard to understand but doesnt really justify the comments and im sorry she upset you though.

If none of the above and/or you dont think she is prepared to change/be more supportive then maybe as Romperfry says above then it might be best to continue not to involve her from now on if she is just gonna make things worse for you further.

im glad your boyfriend is more supportive though and it does sound like you feel able to confide in him a lot more perhaps?

im sure he is not disappointed in you.He is probably just concerned but im sure realises the route to recovery from self harm is a long one and there probably will be blips along the way.

im sorry you felt the need to start hurting yourself so much again.i hope your not feeling too much like that again right now and i hope the therapy appointment was useful?

Please try not to beat yourself up too much, just keep trying to build on things and recover.

Please keep talking on here if it helps.Know i/we are here for you and also let us know how you/things are and how the appointment went sometime if you would like/think it might be helpful.

i think you were really brave to book it, hope you managed to go and that it went ok.

Take care.

[Merc]

&^ said it way bettre than i did
hoep it went ok?
let is know