I don't know what to write. I don't know how to explain how I am feeling without sounding stupid... or something.
*sigh*
This morning my sister called. She first told me that our 'other mother' s (moms best friend) house got broken into yesterday and ransacked.
Then she told me (in several different ways) that she had something to ask me and that she wanted me to really think about it (like, take days, at the very least). Her question apparently came from a gal on her 'mommy forum' and it was: do you think it would have been better if your parents had divorced when you were young? (Our parents divorced when I was 16 or so and my sister was already out of the house.) D- said she thought she knew my immediate answer (which would be a yes) but she wanted me to think about it. So we talked about
why my answer was yes. I mentioned that she had once said that she had a different dad than I did (not biologically speaking).
My dad beat me. Not all the time and certainly it could have been worse, but he beat me none the less.
And then, somehow (I know it was after my telling her that one good thing about their staying together so long was I experienced enough to know that if I ever have children they will
not be allowed to be alone with him)... we got on to the topic of my 'asking for it' or it being my 'fault'. She kept saying that if I had just shut up he wouldn't have beat me. She compared it to her telling my niece to not do something and if she still does punishing her by putting her in to time out. I said she could not compare the two as the one was an acceptable punishment, the other was definitely not. A few minutes later she tried to compare it to her speeding and getting a warning and then speeding in that same area later and getting a ticket. I once again told her that the two were not comparable and she interrupted me and yelled at me saying that according to me there was nothing she could compare it to (uh, hello, she was comparing it to stupid stuff and no, they do
not compare) 'so f**k you!'. And she hung up on me.
She has said before that she thought it was my fault, that I asked for it by arguing with dad. But now we are both adults. Why doesn't she understand? She's my
sister. How can she believe that I asked for it (which to me says that dads behavior was perfectly acceptable)?
I can't explain it any better than I feel awful. It doesn't help that I'm only one day back on my Wellbutrin (have been on my Zoloft though). I cried. A lot (well, a lot for me). And I hurt.
I think I'll go home and drink my problems away...
God, I would love to cut.
