My flatmates have guests for dinner again this evening.
I only know because I overheard them, so I have food and am prepared.
Why didn't they tell me?
Someone on another forum has just ridiculed me and judged me completely on the fact I have mental health issues. I am a person first, I am intelligent! I am creative. I AM.
awww hun, matt and i have been hurt by people assuming because we've had mental health issues that we are incapable of anything 'normal' people would do. in particular of being parents. and it was somone on this site! basically said matt was not fit to be a father because he had depression. he's so good at being a dad, even when he feels down, in fact i know when 's feeling bad because he goes and gets chloe for a cuddle. he came in from an assessment last week and chloe was asleep, but he went and got her coz he needed his chloe-cuddles.
so i understand from that end of things. i hope your flatmates just forgot to let you know and wouldn't do that to you on purpose, but i can see that it not only hurts, but is a hassle especially if you hadn't overheard.
*hugs* just look at how you are coping. you're hurt... but you've got through it, got food and prepared yourself for tonight. well done.
love you, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
You're not alone Katie although I understand it feels like that. I can relate to what you mean about being judged but you're right, you are a person, a good person, and that should be what people see.
Seems with the forum thing I misinterpreted and went on the defensive.
I just have a hard time with ambiguous humour because of my past. I am so used to people who don't know me making assumptions upon seeing the worst of my symptoms - vis. random strangers thinking I am 'mentally handicapped' [not sure what the latest terminology is.] Even at work, I've had to fight - and to some extent won - for managers to recognise my intelligence, and know that my illness doesn't affect my intelligence, but rather my ability to apply that intelligence when my past thunders into my present and assaults me full on.
Re my flatmates. They've done that before. Up until recently they'd write it in on their kitchen calendar, so I knew. But the past 2 times they haven't. I've only heard via overhearing them mention it a few days before, when they're talking outside my room. Maybe they're scared I'll get angry and they're avoiding that? But it makes me even more pissed off not to be told! I don't mind so much if I know!
Or maybe they're just busy and forgot.
Do you think talking to them about it would help at all? Because if you hadnt happened to get lucky and overhear, it would have been rather awkward...that isnt really fair to you.
Perhaps tho, it was just a matter of being busy?
Or because it did not cause a problem in the past (not writing it down) they have decided it is ok to not do so anymore?
Sweetie I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You're not alone in feeling like this. I had a roommate who felt it was just easier to leave me out than to check and see if I felt like socailizing that day (or hour or whatever). And it's true (not right, but true) that people tend to treat people with mental health issues as if they are somehow incapabul of functioning 'properly'.
*massive hugs*
Ally
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I'm still feeling peeved about it. But am tired, so brain not really functioning fully enough to ponder and reflect.
Talking to them? I don't think it would achieve anything. Usually they do tell me stuff, but then they also assume I'll know other stuff.
The socialising is one aspect. As in my not feeling able to. Plus it's their friends and of course they wouldn't invite me.
But also our kitchen/dining room is pretty small. It's the practical side of it. As well as the polite side of it. If you're having a 'dinner party' the last thing I think you'd really want is your lodger turning up to cook in the same room part way through! And the said lodger having to plough her way through their dirty cooking dishes to use the oven and get to the sink. And so on and so forth.
A guest is coming for lunch.
I only knew because my flatmates' son told me. Just now.
No lunch for Katie.
How can she have not told me? What is so hard? I've been around all today, and yesterday evening. Would it have been so hard to let me know before I went shopping on Friday? Before I came home from work yesterday?
I know I could go out to McDonalds. But that's not the point.
Thankfully I had a snack mid-morning.
It sounds like they're starting to slip out of the habit of telling you what's going on. They do need reminding; it's important for you to know what's happening and to feel safe in your own home, and asking them to let you know if people will be coming into your home is not a lot to ask.
You're right; going to McDonald's isn't the point. I'm not surprised you feel all the things you're feeling. I'd be hurt and angry too. Do you think you could think of a way just to say to them that you need them to give you prior warning?
sweetheart, that wasnt fair of them to do that to you. however right now you need to take care of your needs and one of them is hunger. i know my mood drops when i dont eat so i suggest that be your main priority for now. go to mcdonalds and treat yourself. take a good book and enjoy the nice sunny day.
then when you get back you can deal with the other stuff.
Thank you both.
Feel shaky.
Can't go out. They'll see me as I leave - they're now in the lounge which is adjacent to my room. And I feel little. Having some kind of flashback, but I can't make out what of.
One's going. When they both go I can go into the kitchen and toast a bagel.
Laughing.
They're laughing again.
Talking to my flatmates - hard, as they would say I can still go in kitchen when people around. Have in past said about my 'issues' in hushed voices to me. Shame.
Try not to be ashamed of yourself, Katie. I know it's hard. Their way of interacting with you shows their inability to understand and is not a reflection of you or anything that has happened to you. Though you are left being reminded of those younger feelings and it's scary. Do you have any earphones you can use to listen to some music on your laptop and not hear them laughing?
You have come far and you're still coming far. You're doing really well and it's not your fault when reminders of the past come back.
Believe in your rights, not just as a survivor of trauma, but your rights to have your wants and needs respected as any other person. You don't have to tell your flatmates that people scare you - that's your feelings and none of their business. You want them to tell you before they have people round and that's a really reasonable thing for anyone to want.
Thank you.
They've gone now.
Just waiting for my flatmates to go pop out and then I can go into the kitchen.
Yes, Sam, I'm still hoping to move out. Thing is, with the post being really off track right now round here, it would be complicated.
They've gone now. I've got my toasted bagel and some orange juice squash.
I feel like I've been really intensely dissociated. Now I'm coming out of it.
If they saw me. See a freak. Unstable vulnerable only half a person. [Katrina's view.] Being laughed at. Talked about behind my back.
I thought my flatmates understood. Or at least knew. And I suppose they think because I handle work, I can handle people being around. But I still find it hard. And at home, well, it's like a private space.
If it was the other way around, and I was having my parents around for lunch [which I only do when flatmates are on hols] I would give them plenty of notice, and would arrange it for when they're out anyway, because,well, you don't just hog the whole kitchen and forget others might need it.
Feels like the sides of my face are split in two. Two halves, and my vision is split between the two.
Weird. Disconcerting.
Need to gather myself together again.
Oh yes, and NOW my flatmate had written it on the calendar. Well, it wasn't there last night, and I'd not been in the kitchen this morning.
How can I get over such feelings of humiliation? Remembering it's mostly in the past, from Back Then..
