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Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - I want my mind back
Only a few people in real life know what happened to me, and even then not in complete detail. There are some things I've never managed to say out loud, even to my best friend. I know that, theoretically, telling is empowering, and sometimes I've managed to find that voice. But I don't think that's really where this particular train of thought is going to end up. I don't have a clear plan here, so bear with my rambling. I just feel all this pressure in my chest, and I want it to stop.
I need to throw in a quick preface: I was cutting years before what happened to me. It didn't appear after as a coping mechanism.
I want the flashbacks to stop. I've been trying to deal with this for 6 years with the exception of the year I successfully managed to delude myself into thinking that it didn't actually happen. Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I feel so dirty afterward. My last slip up was after a flashback. I took a shower. I scrubbed and I cried and I threw up and I didn't feel any better. I didn't know what else to do. And my razor was just sitting there on the side of the tub.
10 days cut-free now. 5 nights ago I had the worst flashback I think I've ever had. I really don't know how I managed not to slip up. It was awful. I did everything I could think of, and I couldn't make it stop. I couldn't stop seeing his face, wondering how Jane could possibly have known but never told anyone, and mentally beating myself up for not screaming even though deep down I know that I couldn't. I ended up in this pathetic ball on the floor of the tub, screaming. I scared my roommate and started yelling "find someone who knows." Turns out my friend Erin was in New Jersey and the only other person was my exboyfriend (now friend). He came over and had to convince me to get out of that shower. It was embarrasing and humiliating.
I want it all to stop. I want it to stay out of my head. I want the idea that I can bleed out what I can't scrub off to go away. I want to find the strength to finally blurt it all out, everything, beginning to end. I think that'll help. I think finally letting it all go will help. But I'm afraid of how much that'll hurt. Is it really worth all that pain if it turns out that it doesn't make me feel better?
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