Hey all. Sorry I've been gone for so long. I was doing pretty good and thought maybe staying away might be part of it... but I missed y'all so even once I'm feeling better again I hope I don't just disappear again.
I haven't cut for just over five months (five months and three days -almost- to be exact). I'm feeling pretty good about that really. Yesterday though, I was listening to a song (The Way She Feels by Between the Trees) and for the first time in a while I wanted so badly to cut I could feel it within every fiber of my being.
Anyway that's really got nothing to do with this post (well, maybe a little).
I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning for my meds. I was supposed to go in last month (well, last month as of tomorrow) but I couldn't pay my insurance on time (I had to replace my car) and so they dropped me for the month. Without insurance I couldn't afford to refill my Rx for Wellbutrin (I managed my Zoloft but there just wasn't enough money left from my part time job). Today has been 9 days without it (on top of which I'm PMSing) and it's been absolutely no good. I just feel awful. It's horrible having to go to work and focus, be productive when it seems like I just can't. Last night at a band practice I just didn't want to be at I was the first person to look at the time (of course we were already over so big deal) and when people kept saying 'Um' like they had a thought I kept saying 'No 'um'. 'Um' means you have a thought'. SO childish.
But I don't want to go to my appointment. I've only seen this gal once and while she was very nice it was for an 'annual' appointment which, while never comfortable, was worse because she saw some of my scars (the ones I couldn't cover up with gloves and knee-hi socks). I got the feeling she wasn't all that comfortable with it all (she is an intern so it's not like she's seen all that much of this stuff, if any as of yet). When she saw where I had cut the phrase 'I can't' on my stomach she just stopped for a minute until I asked her to not 'read my scars'.
I guess my point is this: I don't want to go and talk about this. I don't want to talk about cutting (though it's not bad news in that area). I don't want to tell her I've been off my Wellbutrin (like I had much of a choice but still...). I don't want to talk about how I'm feeling. I don't want to talk about not being able to be off even one of my meds for 9 days without falling back into the Pit (when I first started meds the PA basically told me that since I'd been living with this **** for so long the chances of my getting off meds are slim but still). For heaven sake lots of people only take them for a while and then are fine off them. I just don't want to talk about any of it. I hate all this Dammit
OK. Sorry about the whining.
Love you all.
Ally
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Hey. First of all that's AWESOME u haven't cut in 5 months! And i'm glad to hear even though u wanted to, you resisted the urge to cut, that took a lot of courage!
As for your appointment, you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to although it might be an idea to mention how you've been feeling/coping, even if its just generally without going into too much detail. But i'm sure when your there you'll know in yourself what needs to be said. Best of luck to you!
IAL:
Wow. I didn't realize it would feel so 'good' to have someone tell me good job for not cutting! Thanks so much
*nods* People always tell me that I can say only as much as I want but when they're firing questions at you it just doesn't feel like it. So I told her about not having my Wellbutrin. I answered questions about my mood and my appitite and all that *rolls eyes* (I hate those questions). I filled out the stupid little 'how are you doing' sheets she handed me (I even did it honestly... for the most part). To those she tells me that 'these numbers are pretty high' (well they could have been worse for heaven sake... might have been if I had answered them as honestly as I could). I even submitted to a 'brief exam' (which was really pointless) and a blood draw. And to make things better it's a teaching clinic and so there was a student doctor (just starting her practical clinical work I would guess) along with the intern I always see. And I get to go back in '6-8 weeks' (I guess you know they won't be seeing me until closer to 8 weeks.
*reads over post*
My gosh I've just whined an awful lot. I think I'll stop now
Thanks again hun, so very much.
Ally
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
No worries! I'm glad that it felt good for you to have someone recognise your achievement of not cutting
Also sounds like you handled the appt well, Drs appts are never fun and u got through it! and at least you don't have to worry about it for another 8 wks!
All the best
PS - that's fine about the 'whining' that's what these forums are for - to vent!
I'm really proud of you Ally! Sounds like you are really trying. I know today must have been hard for you. Try and be nice to yourself, you deserve a break hun *loads of hugs* xxx
So I'm a bit apprehensive as my doctors office called me three times yesterday (and I missed all three calls). I am assuming they got the results of my blood draw back but if it were normal wouldn't they just call once, leave a message, and wait for me to call back? Now I've got to wait till Monday morning with no idea what it could be. Damn.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Called back this morning and then had to wait an hour for them to call me back (lol). The first call the nurse told me the results were normal. The second call (about a minute later, no more) was to tell me that she had missed a note that said I was slightly anemic (suprise suprise). Yay for iron suppliments Ah, well, that's what I get I suppose *shrug*
Last edited by ~*forever_broken*~ : 06-10-2009 at 12:38 AM.
Reason: no real reason, just changing a smily face
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Aww, thanks I was wondering if you were still around
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Dammit 
Thanks so much 
Ah, well, that's what I get I suppose *shrug*
