Triggering (SI) - I Sunk To His Level....*possible ed trigger*

[pea soup]

yes...im ashamed.
it just happened and now im so overwhelmed.
he wont stop ****ing calling...Aaron. i dont have money to change my number right now.
and its simpler to just answer the phone or he just keeps ringing it.
i answered and attempted to have a "normal" conversation. not happening.
i got angrier and angrier.
apparently his sister doesnt like me. i do not care about this. but he wont shut up about it.
i finally hung up.
he called right back.
i answered and said "well, sounds as if your sister is a bit uptight...maybe she needs some good sex...so why dont you go **** her??!!!" yes, i said that.

i feel sick with myself. obviously my subconcious is looking for revenge. but ive never said anything like that to anyone EVER.

i feel like ive committed a horrible crime or something. and i want punishment. i know all sorts of ways to punish myself but its not allowed right now. i have no idea what to do.

well, yes i do. ive done this before. when i cant harm...i simply dont eat. it causes me pain. i usually only do this for punishment. i dont want to do it because im hungry and i just woke up right before that dreadful conversation. but its what i deserve.

now you guys really know who i am.
im sorry.

[Vampiric Addiction]

If he's calling that much it's understandable. After all, we all have the 'fight or flight' instincts - if he was effectively obstructing your 'flightpath', you'd only be left with the fight option...

Sounds like alot of people would have snapped before you did, to be honest.

You really dont deserve punishment, but I understand the feeling like you do need it... We are always our own harshest judges i think.

I hope you're okay honey. Look after yourself. x

[lamestate]

Don't beat yourself up for saying that - you must be SO wound up with him.

I'm sorry you feel you should be punished but try to take care of yourself - you need to be your own first priority just now.

You shouldnt feel ashamed, nor do you deserve punishment.
Aaron is being a total pain in the ass if you ask me.

To be honest I would have snapped like that too if I had been in your shoes Rach. I think you did well to stay calm for aslong as you did with all his phonecalls.

Please try not to be too harsh on yourself. You have a lot of stressful situations going on in your life right now.......you did good m'dear, you did good.

Much love
xx rowie xx

[raistlin]

If someone kept harassing me like he is harassing you, I would have said something similar. There's no reason you should feel bad for this. You did nothing wrong. *hugs*

[pea soup]

erm....thank you all.
i honestly didnt expect those type replies.
i was half expecting tough love or even criticism.
i ate some turkey....and im staring at a brownie but know i dont deserve it. meh.

[Mimsy]

Eat that brownie!! Go on!! You have sooo much patience from what I can gather, its him that should be feeling this way- not you. Eat the brownie, a chocolate bar... and be proud that you stood up for yourself. xxxx

[Destinationzero]

You deserve to tell people off once in a while! Its ok. He'll know you were just angry and it is ok if you want to appologise to him. You don't have to punish yourself for it though. It was a normal reaction and you were able to find a release in telling him what you felt before. You should eat something though...not eating always makes me more depressed and even more angry. But yeah anyway its ok. You don't have to feel bad about it.