everything's going fine for me..so why can't I be happy? I'm not happy, and I can't say taht...my ex and I are still friends and I have a b/f but,...I'm not happy....I don't understand it..like I just feel like I want to die, I'm scared of graduating becaue it means leaving the people that I've gotten close to in the last four years and that also means moving and I'm not good in social situations as it is.
my b/f's great, but..I can't get close to him because I'm afraid to, and the only person that understands me is my best friend and my ex and she's got enough with her new g/f and I feel like I'm intruding on her happiness if I tell her any of this.
we were talking about stuff today and she brought up my graduation and said that I had to keep in touch with her, I started crying because I really just don't want to...I can't handle it and I don't want to leave here but I have to. we started talking about marriage and kids today for some reason and I told her straight up that I'm not ever getting married or having kids, what's the point of it? she looked at me and said that I would, but she didn't get the reason why I said it, I'm happy that she's happy but I still love her, she was my first everything, and ironically enough the person that taught me being in love also means getting hurt and fighting every now and then because love isn't perfect, then turned around and said "you'll have my kids" which hurt like hell so I got up and left before she could see the fact that I was about to cry.
she knows why I'm scared of getting close to my b/f and knows that based on the first thing he said to me before we started dating is the reason I'm distant with him, I don't want to get hurt.
I have everything going for me, so why do I feel like I'm stuck in some dark hole? it's gotten to the point where I want to die again, but I don't want to talk because then I'll feel like I'm ruining everyones life....I went home today and took and O.D of tylonal (not enough to kill me) first time in a long time that I've taken pills since I have a bit of an addiction issue with those...and I woke up three hours later and still felt like sh*t
I don't even know what to do anymore..I'm so scared of everything and I don't understand it...what's wrong with me?
sorry for the super long post...I just don't know what to do anymore...
