at last...nine years of actively seeking 'help'
many sh*thead psychs along the way...
and now a new GP, he's great.
Proper meds..well we're still working on it, but its getting there.
And within a TWO WEEK period he has a referral for me....TWO WEEKS!
Unbelievable....
And I have a choice now; one-to-one couns. or group out-patient.
And im scared to death.
Part of me thinks why bother now???
The last two years i needed the help, badly...i was a mess...
now?
I dont harm.
Psychosis is almost under control.
Im not wanting/trying to die like i was.
I know now if i hit a suicidal streak, i will not mess around with useless OD's that do not work. I will do it in a way that has no other outcome but certain death.
Only if i break again (like several of my psychs said is likely to happen again, its something ive been told i have to learn to live with...but i wont. i WONT go back to that person; hurting everyone, scaring the **** out of hubby etc)
So...what is there to talk about??!!
To work on??!!
There are no destructive behaviours/emotions anymore...but there are also no other emotions either.
Days fade from one to the next.
I think im ok with that...i dont know
i dont feel anything about it to be honest.
It just is.
Maybe i shouldnt be taking a 'spot' that someone needs more, someone like me two years ago.
I dont know.
I feel like a fake, a fraud...
I dont have the stress of work, family is great
so, whats the problem?
It just feels too late...
unnecessary.
you deserve this help, it's NOT someone else's 'spot' - this is your spot and you've worked hard to get it. I'm glad your new GP and meds are helping, and that you're finding it easier to cope. Perhaps this referral will help you maintain that? I know the feeling of 'its too late' and that it feels as if it will never be truly 'fixed' or OK so why try, and if you have a calmer patch then why disrupt it... but I do believe that things can get better for you. Like you said in a reply to me a couple of weeks ago, we all need to work out what is 'better' for us, perhaps this therapy will be another step towards that?
Maybe its because now you are fighting for yourself an showing determination that your doc is going to help you. keep fighting. being well is a good place to be.
you still need the help because there are still unresolved issues that threaten your recovery. help isn't just to get you out of crisis, to help you recover, help is to stop it coming back hopefully and to pick up the pieces if it does come back.
it's worth a try.
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
thank you both, means alot.
it is sooo hard to post anymore.
i feel im attention seeking, no one cares etc...you all know im sure
i cant tell anyone....
but im falling.
i told hubby SI wqs done..and it really really felt that way..had no urges whatsoever.
so why is it back?
The si wouldnt be so bad
but it isnt for that
its for death
ive just recently been given back my rifles.
it wasnt a problem. been around them since a child.
felt ok for months now about it...tbh forgot about them entirely even tho they were here for a long time now.
i know, give them back/away
but stronger (in my head) to keep them and try and resist.
weak to give them back
failure
not strong enough
if i go down this path again....
hubby will have to leave
he cant face it all gain
to much to ask him to anyways
WAY too much.
cant tell
was so proud...was almost a year (november) of being IP-free.
cant show weakness now
im fiune now right??
oh ****
had stopped drinking
;last few days been on so many pills, drinking during day (which i have never done before...except for camping, but then was just one..then nothing till nightime)
Shamed to admit...parents were just here...stole (and asked for) pills from them....just to be ****ed
feels good
detox is a good idea...but it fiucks up so much for everyone else...
and is weak
have stiopped eating, but no worries, getting enough calories from the alcohol
oh **** me...why does it never end???
i trieed
i really have
i fought
and its all vback
ive been told i will always have 'episodes' like this
IP/TC will be a part of my life
i dont want it
any of it
and only here can i tell
everyone else would be so disappoint4ed and ive let ppl down enough, i cant face doing it again
i made such a ppoint of telling hubby SI was over...he didnt quite believe (was still supportive tho) but i have said this before
so how do i tell him now?
i cant
he will be so disappointed
and all the worry again
feeling he should be able to fix it..which ive told him he cant
and he DOES know
but the dfesire is still there
beyond tired
finished
(and honestly? still no urge for 'usual' si..now is for...finality)
i did it
after so long
i 'harmed'
not sure how severe itr is as never tried this 'method bofore
shou;ld call er i guess
why cant i be strong enough?
whats wrong wioth me to do this?
i just fail
You ARE strong Romp.
You have come SO far over the last two years and you recognise this. There is nothing wrong with Romp as it were. Romp is a lovely, caring person. All this proves is that you do still have things to work on and you need the help they are offering in order to continue further down your road to recovery.
I hope you call ER and also take up the offer you are being given. Only you will really know if group or one to one would be more beneficial.
i will definitely take the help...still unsure which one, but im sure as i ifnd out more i can then decide.
I just cant believe...after all the eoc/psychs/etc..meet this one and things get done yesterday!!
I amazing and a little frigtening tbh lol.
so i wll go and give my everything, i WANT to 'well'
***possible trigger*** (mentions si)
so, after nearly free, with no slips either (next month woul dhave been a year)
I cut last night
badly
i *should* have gone to ER. They usually do the staple thig for these ones...
but hubby got home early, couldnt face telling him...and he knows i cant really go out glone, so to be gone for 6-8 hours (our ER is ridiculousy busy) well..wouldnt work..
too ashamed to tell him.
but how the hell do i hide? neve hid from before, dont like the idea of starting now.
One other problem, the doc made a point of asking about the SI and (at the time) i was able to truthfullu tell him it was 'over', etc. Now i worry if it ell him, he will pull my plasce..not sur ehe can do that, but surely the info will be passed tot he coordinator...i tried this course bepofre asnd they said then, they cant address anything about SI as they are NOT ewuipped for it, it 'just isnt the place'..so maybe one-one?
Oh i dont knw
I took enough sleepers to knock me out to get away from all this and here i am near 4:30 AM
wonderful
just wanted a break from my head.
and away from the guilt/failure feelings
anywyas, thanks so much for the replies and support.
It always means so very much.
love
*hugs Romp* i hope your ok without going to the er but if your not you might just have to tell your hubby. He loves you'll he'll try to understand. Take the support your being offered its for you you arent stealing anyone elses place *more hugs* best of luck sweetie
thx, yet again.
I have pm'ed to see if there any point going for the staples now..its been so long, know stitches is 8 hours, not sure if staples are the same...
I feel like a failure, so ashamed.
Had to go shoot my mouth off about how 'i was all done with SI"
This was it.
What a f*ckup i am.
Been told this is a recurring illness, this will happen from time to time and basically i need to learn to live with it.
But i should be stronger.
I should probably go IP i guess...or at least the TC for a little while, try to head off the destruction that is sure to be coming. That I'm suddenly craving.
But dammit, it feels like giving in, proof that i suck at this.
Havent managed to tell hubby....but soon as he sees me covered up for bed, he will know.
Poor man.
Feelings of wanting to run away are back...my truck is right there...nothing stopping me....
I thought i was doing so well..and i was...for awhile.
But now any hard work i put in seems erased, like it was for nothing if i can slip back to being 'ill' so easily and so fast.
Part of me wants too...sick as that is
just totally give up and destroy myself completely.
I dont think i can make it thru this again.
The appt is Oct 1...its what im trying to hold on to. I need it, and i WANT it...i just have to get there.
Seeing doc tomorrow so i ve decided to tell him all...gonna be hard to admit i failed....
oh well..thanks again everyone for replying and supporting, really does help to know ppl understand a nd care.
it is far stronger to see the danger and resist it by getting rid o tools etc, than to try and fight it with everything around you. that is being a fool.
you see a sign wet paint... you know it's gonna get you if you touch it. a sensible person would move away, out of harm's reach, a foolish person would try touching it. (ok bad analogy, *everyone* touches the paint).
please be honest with hubby, don't allow yourself to be drawn into the lies again. be straight, he can try to help.
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
the analogy is 'odd'..but still makes perfect sense to me.
keeping them here is just a 'waiting game' till i use them.
sadly..and scarily i have 'tried' it and it isnt as awkward as one might think...
anyways..thx to the lovely animad, i managed to go to the clinic (the one who told me he 'was sick of trying meds as they werent working and didnt want to bother anymore' ,so then cut me off cold..niiiice...)
anyways, saw a dif. (female) doc there and she stitched some, stapled some and steri-stripped the others.
i didnt manage to show her the chem. burn tho.
It was just too mcuh.
too ashamed/embarassed.
(again, thx animad for the advice/tips)
im meant to go back next week to remove it all (if looks ready) but...no..ill do it myslef like usual..cant face going back...
i have never lied to hubby about harming..occasionally i did not tell him tillthe day after, but always told.
This time?
I dont think i can...
i dont know
Almost had fun tonight..was company get-together at the local go-kart track and then dinner...really really tried to have fun, really wanted to...
too many ppl
too much doubt
too much me
but a bunch of us went for drinks after and had a great time, smaller group, know them all, like them, all, they like me..was actually alot of fun...
nice to laugh like that again
thanks again for support and even just hugs and reading
very much
I did tell him finally.
And as usual, he was awesome.
Im so very lucky, i really am.
Im pretty scared about the appt...but determined to tell all and get some help, work hard.
I dont want to live this life anymore...time to change it, somehow.
I hope they are nice
i hope they can help
i hope...
*hugs romp and then does the celebration dance looking like a dork* Well done for telling your hubby :) I hope the appt goes well for you i really do! *more hugs*
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything feels like the movies Yeah you bleed just to know your alive
I know you harmed the other day but it looks as though you are finally going to get the support that you need. You do need it. As Mand said, there are unresolved issues, etc. You deserve it aswell.
Thinking of you
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
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