so lost

loew89 · 24-09-2009, 12:37 AM

Ive spent a lot of time thiking about my life and whats happened. from being homeless to being addicted to drugs. and now that i dont have any of that i feel lost. as i am living with the one person i get along with i push her away to cause i feel like thats all that people do in my life is give up on me. My familyhas, my friends have, i spent many nights crying wishing i things were different. I was the high school athleate the jr high volunteer the family comedian the adventoruse one with my friends and now i feel like i am nothing but a shell. i look on my walls and see everything i had accomplished my awards my trohpies, but now they mean nothing. i watch my friend play sports and i become angry with myself because thats what my life was and then things happened and they all fell apart. i feel like i am nothing like just a leaf in the wind that falls to the ground just to be stepped on, put int he garbage and t hrown away. to me i am nothing i feel nothing but hate, hate for no one but me.

Sleepless123 · 24-09-2009, 12:59 AM

Hey im sorry that your feeling so low.

My life has been different to yours but i think i can relate at least a little of some of what you say though i will of course never know truly what it is really like for you.

i might be wrong and correct me if i am but it sounds like you are at a place where you feel you have lost a lot.

Perhaps you could start slowly slowly rebuilding things.

Not focusing on everything at once but just little little steps at a time.

Like maybe socialising more?

Or getting back more into sport if you used to enjoy that a lot?

Or even break it down more but just so perhaps you can feel like maybe things are improving and then in time you can get to where you want to be without it all being so much to focus on at once or so overwhelming.

Also i know you probably find it hard to let people in but do you have anyone you can talk to/who could support you through this if you could open upto them?

i wish i could say something more useful but know i have read and i hope it helped to write at least.

im sorry things feel so bad and i hope they improve for you.

We are here for you.Feel free to keep talking if it helps.

Take care.

Stellata · 24-09-2009, 07:48 AM

Seems like being physically settled seems a real challenge for you - when you're constantly on the move with no fixed place, there is less 'risk' of making lasting meaningful connections with people, and so less risk of disappointment or loss.
But you're experiencing loss anyway, it sounds like. I know that's a hard conflicted place to be in. You have people, and yet they seem to give up on you.
What would mean the most for you?

loew89 · 25-09-2009, 02:21 AM

i am very much someone who stays alone most of the time that way i dont get hurt and people dont end up hurting me. ive tried letting people in. people who tell m e i can trust them and they dont give up on me then a few months later they tell me that i am impossible and that its no use talking to me because i just repeate myself over and over again. i stoped risking letting people in and when i feel like i am getting close to someoen i pick up and move so i dont hurt. and they dont see me hurt.
i moved to a small town where no one knows me but a few people so that i can start over its the one thing i want to do is start over. but like i said i got from being a school star to being homeless to now nothing, i live each day at a time. living with my friend and her family but i feel like i am nothing. i mean nothing. i told my friend today i feel like nothing i feel helpless. after i cut myself and being stuck in this rut for years i just want to give up at times. i know itsnot what i am ment to do. i was never a person to give up on things but this is difficult for me.
what would mean the most to me i cannot say. nothing seems important. i used to have so much be so much and now. nothing is important. what means most to me is just getting through one day at a time with out compleatly giving up on myself.

Stellata · 25-09-2009, 07:21 AM

You still believe it yourself deep down, it sounds like. That is precious and to be cherished.
It really is true that sometimes we have to hit the bottom of the shadows to start lifting out again. Life that you create now might not evolve into what you used to know, but you have the right to find pleasure and meaning and a sense of self again.

loew89 · 25-09-2009, 03:55 PM

I do agree with you that sometimes we do have to hit bottom. but i feel like ive hit bottom a thousand times over again.
To me i am nothing to the person that i love and that loves me i am everything. but still to me i amnothing and i feel like ihurt them everytime i give up on myself, which is every day. i just dont know what to do with myself i have given up on everythign and just walk around doing what i am told i have no life i have no meaning in my life. my past remains on me and my future will always be reminded of what ive done, and who i have bceome.