Triggering (Suicide) - Need to die

[quiet1]

Nothing much more to say. I am thinking about killing myself when I get home from work today. I know exactly how.

Don't even know why I am posting this.

[Cacoethes]

stay and talk to us for a bit
cant give much advice as i am in a similar position :s

*big hugs*

im here if you need to talk
x

[Emo]

Sorry that you are feeling like this anything happen to make you feel like this ?
is there anyone you can call and talk to about this with ?
like a crisis line or emergency psychiatric team that you can call ?

keep talking to us here

Ella

[quiet1]

Something happened at work with a co-worker. I hate me. Have therapy in a few minutes. Will tell her as much as I can. Will keep you updated. Still want to die. Thank you for replies.

[Stellata]

I hope therapy helps.

Why do you hate yourself?

[88shelz]

be honest in therapy and be safe
suicide isnt the best option for you

[nowhereman]

I think you posted this because you don't really want to die and you want help. Which is such a brave thing to do by the way. I really hope therapy helped and that you're feeling a little better now. Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem, try to remember that. Nobody wants to lose you and nobody else hates you so you should try not to. Hope you're ok. *hugs*

[nowhereman]

I think sometimes you just want to escape your problems which is natural for anyone, rather than actually wanting to die.

[quiet1]

i hate myself because i am at the root of all evil. everything always comes back to me. i caused it. it is my fault.

everything that happened at work is my fault. i know everyone there hates me. i always do this. i know they will take her side. they always take someone else's side. no one ever believes me. they just assume that i should be the more responsible one and handle it better and i should ...i know. my supervisor told me to be respectful...even tho i am already.

she was being disrespectful to me. and now...?? my work is my pride. and now it is bullshit. i have nothing. i am going to lose my job, livelihood, all the hard work i put in...and then...a parent sent me an email about an incident that occurred in school. and ....now i am really the root of all evil. its just me. everywhere i go evil follows me.. it covers it. it tries to beat me down. all anyone ever sees is the evil. and that is because that is all that i am ....just evil.

so i talked to my therapist. and she is very concerned about my thinking. and wants to see me again on thursday. she wants me to just go to work tomorrow and not address this other person....just do my job and not engage in any controversy with her. she doesn't know that i do not plan on going to work tomorrow. or ever again. my life is done. my work is over. evil wins.

[nowhereman]

No please no, don't let it win. I don't think you're evil at all, bad things can happen to you but they're NOT your fault and don't listen to anyone who says otherwise. I've had that line of thinking before that everything was my fault, I still do sometimes so I understand but it's just not true. You're not evil. If things are that bad at work maybe find another job cos you deserve better than putting up with that, feeling everyone hates you and stuff. I know it's not as easy as that but there's always an answer. Please be ok, I'm here for you.

[quiet1]

i am so sad.
i feel so incredibly aware of myself. like i am being critiqued by everyone.
i cried in my therapists office. i just cried. i couldn't stop. and now i am home alone.

my bf won't be home until 8. its only 6:20.

trying to use distractions. doing sudoku at the moment. anything to keep my mind off of this crap. and yet...i am still tearing up as i do my sudoku.

[nowhereman]

*hugs* its awful when you feel so sad. That's a good idea to keep distracted though. Did you get to talk about anything with your therapist, about how you're feeling?

[quiet1]

i talked to her about how i feel it is all my fault. and i didn't tell her that i wanted to kill myself when i got home. i know she would have sent me to the hospital and i don't want to go there.

if i can stay distracted i think it will eventually pass. its hard to see past the big huge freaking sign that my mind is holding up for me to see that reads..."wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong" its like a neon traffic sign blinking it in my face. its hard to ignore.

so i am thinking numbers and maybe it will pass. and i just cry until it does?

[nowhereman]

If cring helps then yes, it can help get it out of you sometimes. Stay on here and keep distracted until your bf comes home. Can you talk to him about how you feel?

[quiet1]

i will talk to him about it when he comes home. i can call a friend or i could always (reluctantly) call emergency psych hot line. i am ok enough for now. much more ok then i was.

thank you.

[nowhereman]

You're welcome, just please be ok.

[nowhereman]

Hey how are you doing today?

[Stellata]

Sometimes curling up under a blanket and crying is the best thing you can do for a while, it can really help.

I understand why your therapist is worried about your thinking - interpersonal troubles can stir up such deep insecurities that anxiety can slip over the edge into more sinister and concerning thought patterns. I'm glad you're seeing her again tomorrow.

[quiet1]

today was a much better day for me.
last night i called my AA sponsor and talked to her about how i have been feeling. i cried on the phone with her.
then i talked to my boyfriend about what was going on and he just hugged me while i cried. he is really annoyed that someone is making me feel bad. he's protective. it was nice to be comforted.

i didn't hurt myself in any way. i am quite amazed. i feel emotionally hung over. my eyes are puffy and i have a headache. but i didn't treat my co-worker like shite even though i think she deserves it. so...good for me.

i guess i am really learning how to deal with stuff without SI. its painful. its weird. its uncomfortable. but...its real.

[nowhereman]

Wow you have no idea how happy this had made me! Well done you!